I am very new to recovery, I am still absorbing step one.
I am completely powerless over my addiction and yes, my life has become completely unmanageble.
I would say I was powerless over drugs, but I can see addiction show it's ugly head in other things and now that I am not using it seem to be a bigger monster that before.
I see the unmamagebility in every aspect of my life. I knew that it was there all along but now that my head is not fuzzy.....It's like holy shit! Who made this big mess?....Me.
Last year, I was at a bottom in my life. I lived with another addict and every day was just another day of abuse.
I remember thinking at one point that it was not possible for there to be a god. God would not allow me to live in a hell like that. My spirit was dead. There was nothing left. When you become spiritually dead, there is only one place left to go. I was ready to die.
God knew my desperation. Barely a week after that thought, my life changed dramaticly, I was away from the abuse and on my way to something better. I thought that my living situation was my only problem....and really that was his problem.... Everyday, since I left, God has showed me things that I needed to know. He is there with whispers of things that I needed. He puts people in my life that say the exact things that I need to hear at the right time.
He has been leading my down a very crooked path, it is a little longer than the nice paved one over yonder. I was coming back from a meeting yesterday and thinking about all of the shit. There is a lot of shit. A lot of hurts and a lot of things that I need to say sorry for. I know not yet.
God tells me things, yesterday he told me that the crooked path was best because all of the shit has a pourpose, when I feel it and let it go; I will exchange every hurt for love.
With love comes peace.
He told me that he always knew that I was amazing.
Now it is my time to see just how amazing I am.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Thank you for sharing, it brightens my day. Whenever i am challenged, I try to remind myself that God is testing me.
I heard a story from Bill W on the day Dr Bob passed. He said (I'll paraphrase) we should get right with ourselves, go talk to other's with the same afflection, make amends, and ask our higher power for help. Your message is a signal for me to ask how I've asked for his help in my recovery...today!
Kathleen, you inspire me! Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. Keep coming and keep growing! I heard once that "God speaks to each of us a little differently, hoping we'll tell each other." I'm glad you're here and glad to have met you. I really look forward to reading everyones posts each night when I get to work. Thank you ALL, for being a part of my recovery. Big NA Hugs ((((((room))))))
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
