Before coming to NA I handled things so different. I was a garbage head. Any problem that rised I popped a pill. Smoked my way through, or even drank anything if I couldnt get those drugs.
Over this LABORDAY WEEKEND 4 years ago my father died. I was Xanaked up through the wake and funeral! He was abusive to me and my two brothers and my sister and me. It was actually a relief when he died.
I actually do not feel guilty about being free of him and his abuse. Some of the things he did and his abusive ways are unspeakable what a FATHER would do to his 2 daughters and let me just leave that right there OK?
LIFE and DEATH before NA was a big cover up of feelings and PAIN.
Today I have the tools, My sponsor, The STEPS, the rooms to share all of my pain without picking up. I am free of the pain of my childhood and my previous life before coming to NA.
Thats all for right now....Thank you for letting me get this out!
I love it when members feel so comfortable in the rooms and in their own recovery that they can honestly share ANYTHING. I heard a speaker this week share something that I had experienced but never shared, because I never heard anyone else share it. She talked about being molested as a young teenager, and LIKING it. I swear, I almost fell out of my chair. I was so blown away by her honesty and willingness to share to help someone else. I also had this same experience and feelings, but thought there must be something WRONG with me, no one LIKES that stuff. Me, I volunteered for MORE. That shame has lasted a lifetime. But today I am trying to free myself from all that guilt and self-blame. Thank you for sharing, Honey Bear. You make it possible for me to also get honest. I'll look forward to more of your writing.
-- Edited by dan h at 01:13, 2008-09-02
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I was sexually molested from 2 family members from age 5-12 years old.
I have had 14 years of therapy, 2 Phychwards (as a result of serious depression) and was prescribed so many anti depressants and various other pills. That never even worked!
It wasnt until JUNE 05 when I was at rock bottom seriously that I wanted to kill myself because of all the shame, guilt and abondement issues.
Please Dan do not feel guilty about wanting more. Sex with the right partner feels great. It is a release..who doesnt want more. When we are little we dont yet know what is healthy or unhealthy and our brains get confused. Actually look at yourself for being normal!
What actually saved my life intially was reading DR PHIL books Life Stragies, than Self matters...and working from the inside out did I start to "recover"from my childhood.
I have been on his show 2x. The last being his 1,000-1001 in January 08.
I am in talks with his producers to possibly do a webcast from my home on various other shows.
It was NA and working my steps, getting a great sponsor....getting involved, Chairing a meeting 1 x a week, and being the GSR of my home group that continues to save my life. I am free from active addiction, I no longer "self abuse" that is pick up where my family members left off and I am now living in bliss with my husband and my new puppy!
Life is a wonderful gift, expecially through clear eyes.
God what is this "true confessions" time. Ok so I was also molested by the girl next door (11) when I was 4. I actually thought it was great. The bad news was I was way too young to be thinking about sex and got into trouble a lot over it. That's when the shame kicked in. I was fortunate that I only became somewhat of a womanizer out of that and not far worse. I suppose the girl above was probably receiving unwanted attention inside of her family.
congrats Honey Bear for overcoming all those issues.
whelp I too was molested as a child not raped but used as a tool for others and I guess some where along the way its some what messed me up I know that at one time in my teens I wondered about my sexuallity and I was keeping a secret that I finally let out just a few years ago thru step 4 with a sponsor. I believe that letting go of that brought me to where I am today, clean, sober, no secrets in dark fearful places and nothing left for my addiction to grab ahold of and take away my life.
Today i am worthy of being and staying clean I never felt that before I did it for all the wrong reasons but i knew it was what I wanted just wasn't ready until I took some steps in getting ready and then being ready.
We are all the same arent we? Thank You all for sharing and for caring!~
xox Honey Bear
Yes usually it turns out that we are much more alike then we are different. That's why the program will work for us in much the same way, if we do those things that the others did before us to recover. Thanks for the great topic Honey Bear.
At this stage of recovery for me, I'm pretty much able to find peace with the past and not feel hopeless over it.....but NOW I'm looking at how I'm gonna handle FUTURE bullshit, like my parents' deaths.....or some other catastrophy. This is an anchor for me, hanging out here. And unlike my shrink, I can come here 24/7. Just the other day I was crying so hard, and my solution was to log in and talk to you all. Thanks just for being here to "hold my hand"
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
I was taught GOD can only give you what you can handle in any 24 hour period.
All we have is this day and we should live it to the best of our ablities.
Yesterday IS GONE forever, tommorow may never come. ALL we have is TODAY!~
It kind of takes the pressure off the future and YOU MY DEAR are in complete control of today.
Before the meeting on SAT NIGHT right as the sun was slowly setting...The sky was pink, and grey and blue and I looked up and saw a whole bunch and bunches of these black birds flying in a set order....They kept coming and going and I thought WOW how beautiful...how free.....
There would be a time when the sun used to come up when I hated the chirps of the birds HOW DARE THEY didnt they know I was about to go to sleep!~
