now that i started to go meetings i feel worse than before. i stopped using sommer 2005. ive been psycologically and physically in a very bad condition that time. but there were no heavy physicyal detox or something like that. it was more like i felt the ache i dazed before. i even managed quitting with cigarettes when i stopped using and if i look back i think it was no big deal to do so. i simply decided between life and death as good as i know so far.
now ive been in some aa meetings because they are close to the place im living and im a lazy person. but thats not the point.
always when i listen to people talking about their heavy using or when i read about it here. its like it veers me away from the program. and it makes me feel different. but i dont want to be different i want to be equal to somebody.
and now i have to force myself to go to a meeting because i dont want to hear things about how fucked up people have been the time befor quitting. especially when i consider they were fucked up more than me.
one of the guys in the meeting i have been now for 3 times always tell the same story about that time. and i think if you want to get rid of me just keep on talking everytime about that...
when i hear things like im so glad and greatful to be here. i wish i could feel the same. but deep inside i feel like an unwelcome guest. and i fear i heaven't reached the bottem yet which is my ticket to redemption...
I've certainly felt like that. It's hard to hear people talking about their drug use. It make me sick to my stomach sometimes, probably more because of the guilt I still feel about it. General discussion meetings are a crap shoot as fas as what you're going to hear, that's why I prefer step meetings. I don't know what area of the country that you're in or if you have a lot of meetings to choose from but if you don't like the particular meeting then seek others till you find one that you're comfortable in. Usually meetings with more clean time will have better discussions such as dealing with issues rather than what you're describing.
HArry there are different BOTTOMS, what we have in common is a desire to stop using and to change our lives to something better.
Often people share there experiecnes to help others, once people start showing up in the rooms there usually pretty close to the bottom or in it or there court committed so it helps for those court card people to know what they may have to look foreward too and the others who are at a severe bottom have someone to relate too. You sound like you raised the bottom and for that you can be greatful for, you may feel different but find the common ground if you can, stay openminded.
I dont particularly care about the war storys either, I came to NA and AA to get out of all that mess and I dont' relish in thinking about them as good ol days, they were terrible days, can't forget them need to be reminded sometimes but I wont brag or make them sound as if they were a fun day in the park they were dark and hopeless days for me...
Glad your here with us thanks for sharing thats whats important here.
Harry, ask to talk about what would make you feel comfortable in the meetings. I was told this is a selfish program....I'm in this for me, nobody else. Find what feels right for you, seek what you want to find to be happy. If you look at crap, your whole world will be crap
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
My grandsponsor has always said, "Hitting your bottom is like riding a elevator; you don't have to go all the way down. You can get off at any point."
Another thing thing I've heard, you can hit your bottom when you stop digging the hole you're in.
Also, I know this to be true at least for me: We don't end up at the doors of Narcotics Anonymous by accident...there's usually a pretty damned good reason we wind up here.
As for being comfortable, try different meetings. Try an NA meeting once. I used to go to AA for almost two years - and I'm not in any ways bashing any program here - but I couldn't identify with the alcoholics. I'm a drug addict, I'll use whatever I can, if it'll get me out of ME than it was for me!! I also felt more loved and accepted in NA because it was my kinda people. Just a thought.
I know people that go to both, and they love it all equally, but for me, I was home when I arrived at NA's doorstep. That's why there is such a thing as NA...someone realized, hey people are still out there dying...why? They thought it was due to the lack of identification to the alcoholic. Glad they thought that cuz I wouldn't be clean had they not.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
I remember hearing that hitting bottom is what happens to an addict when their lives get worse faster than they can lower their standards. That made a lot of sense to me. LOL. Also I heard that we hit bottom when we wake up one morning and realize that we have a really great future BEHIND us. Tehehe!! Harry, it DOES get better when we just don't use, and keep coming back. Big NA Hugs to you. Dan
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
I spent 8 months dis-qualifing myself from NA. Though i could relate to a little everyone shared, i never OD'd, got arrested or put into a rehab. basically I thought I had managed my usage.
What really grapped me was the pamphlet The Triangle of self obesession. I was so resentful about the past, that I was angry about the life situation I had been delt, and was fearful of the future. this pamphlet helped me be honest, willing, and open minded, and i tried to turn things over to my higher power.
By caring and praying for others, my focus moved off of my shortcomings, and my thoughts of concern helped me stop being all about me. Bill W once said "ask god for help" and it reminds me to ask myself how have I asked for help TODAY?
Now I'm learning to surrender to my past, to accept it, to replace anger with love, and fear with faith. Faith...belief in someting that can't be independently proven...I have faith that things will work out. I don't worry like before, I don't beat myself up as often...
Give yourself a break, and remember even a few positive words of encouragement might save another addict's life!
Great share, Dave. I heard that "Some things have to be BELIEVED to be seen." I believe in miracles today because I AM one, and so are you if you are clean toay. I'm learning not to expect perfection from myself, if I were perfect, I wouldn't be human. So I DO give myself a break, and I keep coming back so I can watchthe miracle happen for others. Thanks for sharing, Dave. You inspire me!
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
first off, OUR BOTTOMS HAPPEN WHEN WE PUT THE DAMN SHOVELS DOWN AND STOP DIGGING. period. no one has the right to tell anyone else what their bottom should include, even though there are definitely people who try. :) lots of us struggle with comparing instead of identifying. it took me a while to get past that. and i felt the opposite of how you feel, i would think that everybody else didn't have it nearly as bad as i did. i had the mentality that if you didn't use as hard or as much as i did, then how can you help me? i thought "how can a pothead tell me how not to be a junkie?" but those thought only kept me sicker longer. that's the disease talking to you, our disease wants us to feel different because our disease wants us to suffer. i don't have to though, and neither do you. try to focus on what you can relate to instead of what you can't relate to. it helped me. what it comes down to is it's about the feelings. it's about how we felt while using, why we used, all those things. remember... "we are not interested in what or how much you used, who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help." good luck.
Thanks, Bree. Sometimes I just get so caught up living and ENJOYING life that I forget that recovery IS life or death for many RIGHT THIS MINUTE. But I hope you can appreciate that SOME of what we did was pretty absurd and as such, today we can laugh about it. Believe me, I do not underestimate the power of this disease. But will take every opportunity to poke some fun at it. LOL. I'm also trying to learn to not take MYSELF so seriously, to lighten up and have FUN in my recovery. I've relaxed into my recovery, but my recovery is NOT lax. Please give yourself a break and keep coming back, better yet, just STAY! Big NA Hugs!!
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
