I have a few year clean and so does my husband we used together and we got clean together but some times he can be so hurtful ,Its such old behavor it pisses me off ,I see him acting so good around the meetings and people in the program but with me its so different ,I find my self asking after 16 years is it over ,we have 5 years clean and do alot of service commintes together ,we live in a very small town and some times it's hard to ask theis questions out loud and get good feed back with out it getting back.
I have talked to my sponcer a bit but it's hard with her she thinks he;s great .
I don't know what to think we are self employed and do work together and we have been doing alot of fighting or i should say he has been telling be alot how unhappy he is and how it;s all my fault ,Its so hurtful i just don't think I can take it anymore with out getting high,or leaving.
I want to run and not look back ,I love this man with all my heart ,and he is so unhappy with me I just cant sit by and be apart of it anymore . Pray for me please to do the right thing.
Hi Deborah, I wouldn't dream of offering marital advice, but I do know that the love of this Fellowship has gotten me through some stuff I didn't think I could make it through. Reaching out is the way to get the help we need. There are many here who care and will offer support and encouragement so you never have to feel alone. NA MEANS "Never Alone, Never Again!" The Book says that it's always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn always comes. Just hold on and don't use. There is no problem we can have that using can't make worse, and it solves nothing. Just know that others have gone through Life on Life's Terms and have survived, you can too. Big NA Hugs, Dan H.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
ur sharing has touched me at my feel9ngs level,,,thanks. repeating the 3rd Step prayer has seen me go thru difficulties without feeling worse off,,bless u,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
thanks for sharing that. My first marriage didn't survive my recovery. Circumstances were different, my x didn't get sober. First off, your husband's unhappiness has nothing to do with you. Happiness is an inside job, so he's got work to do on himself yet. After I got separated (not recommending that) I started attending codependents anonymous along with NA,AA. I learned an aweful lot in coda about loving myself and setting boundaries with others. When people begin to take that tone in their voice (and display the body language) that is abusive I stop them before the words even come out of their mouth and tell them that the conversation is over until they feel better. It's very tempting to want to hear what they have to say but you don't need to hear that crap. That's negative affirmations . I also make sure that I'm not engaging in it either. You'll be surprised at how well this works. Example, ever notice at work that a "boss" treats people differently? Some people he/she will talk down to or sarcastically maybe very abusively while others they never do. That's because those other people wouldn't allow it and the boss knows that. So when your husband gets that tone in his voice, tell him him to take it somewhere else, like a meeting
I don't have any advice either - but my life currently is me grieving the end of my 11 year relationship with my husband. He's only been clean for about 9 months (prior he was locked up in prison). He was very unhappy with life, and it turns out that's because he was using for a little while before I noticed he was high...not saying your hubby is using. I've had to turn to my HP and the few people I love and trust in NA.
It's hard today, but it's a degree easier today than it was 10 days ago when the proverbial sh*t hit the fan. My experience is different from yours as well, but I can tell you if you do seperate from one another, there are people that will help you get through it.
I'm not a fan of feelings today simply because the good ones don't last long enough and the bad ones seem to last forever, but I'm told no one ever died due to feelings...not sure if I believe that, but we shall see.
Hang in there, and just don't use. Go to more meetings, and share about it...that's all that's getting me through this.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
When my husband is mad at me or says he's unhappy with our relationship, I ask him what WOULD make him happy. The rest is up to negotiation. I must decide what I'm willing to do, and so must he decide. You WILL survive the outcome. "We are called to Peace." It'll come.
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
I truly liked what nikki shared. I'd do penance to get a wife like that and I'd be that for her too.. well my prayers are being answered ,,I have a very fab lgirl in my life now,, seems like the same lady love I've been searching for all my life.. I love J with all my heart.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
My husband and I got clean 11 years ago together. Yes, everyone thinks he is perfect. He does it well. I have left 3 times over domestic violence with him and I am sitting here depressed as hell today putting all I have into the relationship, my program and behind closed doors he is just now working the 2nd step and he is not at all the man that shares from the heart at meetings. I am tired of being the bitch and him the angel outside and inside when I know I have a good program, a wonderful relationship with my higher power. What the group thinks doesn't matter. What you think does. Why does he keep telling you these things but doesn't have the guts to get out? I have so been there. I am now...not knowing if he is finally getting it or we are on our last spiral down. I just pray, cry, pray some more. Ask God for His will not mine. I listen. I know I am not in a loving relationship supposed to be made to feel bad. Yours may not be going this far but most areas have domestic violence hotlines that can help you understand a lot and it doesn't have to be hitting (and it may not be abusive....). Verbal, emotional, mental. Is he keeping you hostage emotionally??? I don't know...but I bet you have a lot more answers than you think you do. My gut says that your sponsor is to support you and help you find spirituality and answers to life's challenges, not think he is a great guy. You can only take care of yourself hun. God is the manager and you are the labor. He will gove you the answers you need. I think posting here was a bold move. Good for you!!! Take what you need and leave the rest!!!
Very well said, Carla M! Thanks for your post. It's very sad that many of us addicts will stay in unhealthy relationships long past the "expiration date." That is one of the patterns that I discovered in my 4th step, I would always stay until it became so unbearable that it was easier to face the unknown and GO. The one thing all my failed relationships had in common was...ME. An emotionally healthy, spiritually mature person is probably NOT going to stay in a relationship with another who is emotionally sick, controlling, or manipulative. Thank you for you insight and sensitivity.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
. I also make sure that I'm not engaging in it either. You'll be surprised at how well this works. Example, ever notice at work that a "boss" treats people differently? Some people he/she will talk down to or sarcastically maybe very abusively while others they never do. That's because those other people wouldn't allow it and the boss knows that. So when your husband gets that tone in his voice, tell him him to take it somewhere else, like a meeting 
