I am on step 1, and I KNOW that I am ABSOULTLY POWERLESS over my addiction. I think had I not gone to detox, that it might have taken me a bit longer to figure that out. I always rationalized in my mind things like.....well I don't do crack....im not a meth head...Im not homless.....Im not a prostitute.... I realized something last night while I was laying in bed trying to sleep....you see, my brain doesn't turn off right now...it gives me a lot of time to think.....mostly not good thoughts but sometimes, clear obvious things pop out and that is what keeps me sane right now. The thing that I realized is this....
If true addiction is just for crack heads.....then why did I feel so at home sitting with those crack heads in detox? If we were not kindred spirits....Why did we have so much to talk about? Some of the people there were there for them selves and truly wanted to stop. I could relate to them. Others were there for someone else, and were not in the place in there minds where it was enough. I could relate to them too. When I could hear my own stupid thoughts coming out of other's people's minds, it made me step down from my special little pedestal and realize that a dope fiend is a dope fiend is a dope fiend...
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
In my experience, sadness connects me to people more than when I'm in a great mood. I'm more willing to get closer to people. I've been "in the program" for years and years, finding the things I have in common with addicts of all stripes. it's all there. i've noticed that when there's a disaster in another country, out of the woodwork, complete strangers come to their aid (even here in america). this bullshit brings people together. i like that.
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
Congratulations Kathleen, Admitting I am ignorant is the first step toward wisdom. NA teaches me that a drug is a drug is a drug. One of our readings says "We're not interrested in what or how much you used..." No matter WHICH drug we used, what we have in common are the FEELINGS we experienced at the end of the road. If I go to meetings and talk about WHAT I used and HOW I put it into my body, many who used different drugs or different delivery systems might stop listening thinking I had nothing to offer them. But if I talk about how I FELT at the end of my using, most would be able to identify. If I talk about the loneliness, the self-pity, the desperation, the self-loathing, the despair, the hopelessness, and the fear, many can relate. If I talk about those places that I visited during my using, many have been to those same places. I'm not talking about the dope houses or cop spots, I'm talking about those dark places of the soul, those places of SPIRITUAL misery and death that I frequented on a regular basis. The disease will always try to get me to disqualify myself from recovery by looking at the differences between myself and other members and thinking I'm different, and that I'm unique. But if I focus on the FEELINGS, I will always see the similarities and be able to feel that healing empathy for other addicts. You have learned a lot in a very short time. Keep coming, keep learning, keep growing, and watch what happens. I'm very glad I was here to witness your miracle and to watch you grow. See you soon. Dan H.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
