Well, I went out Friday night and drank. Thought I could do that and stay away from the drugs. Told the guy I was going with that I just wanted to go out and have fun. Didn't want to feel bad the next day, etc. Sure. Well, needless to say it didn't turn out that way. As usual. Another couple came out with that I have "partied" with before. I didn't ask for it and even said again that I didn't want to do it, but soon they were gone to get it. Still saying I didn't want it. Then it was well, just few bumps in the car. Then we went to play cards. I only did 4 lines or so, but I am very disappointed in myself. Part of the reason that I am disappointed is because I really care about the people that I was with and really want to be able to hang out with them. I want to be able to let them do what they do and still be able to hang out and not use. Also, I just took a drug test for a new job this week- which I think should have been okay because I was 13 days clean and even drunk some special concotion. However, I am upset that I would risk my job, my child, my sanity for a few lines of drugs. I also hate that I feel so guilty and worthless. I hate that I feel like God is upset with me. When things happened last week like my water being turned off that I felt like God was punishing me. I hate that I feel weak. I hate that I feel like I have to let go of people I love because I cannot resist temptation. Particularly the father of my child. He is the guy I went out with. Has a long history of heavy drug use. I feel like I am not a good influence on him and he is not on me. It breaks my heart as we have been friends for 14 years. It seems silly and trite for me today to say that I am starting over. That I am not going to use again- because I said that two weeks ago. I want to ask God for forgiveness and let go of my guilt. But, it seems like I shouldn't be able to continue to mess up and continue to receive forgiveness. Thanks for letting me vent.
Welcome back. I wish that I heard you talking about the program, meetings, sponsor, working the steps, getting involved in the "fellowship", making new friends that don't use.... but all i'm hearing is "i want to continue to do business as usual with my old using friends and expect different results, and by the way I feel guilty about it".
I did the same for 2 years (when my child was 0-2 years old he's now 21) and finally caught on that I didn't stand a chance "doing it my way". You're not going to get any support or advice on how to "do it your way" here. No attitude intended, just the cold hard facts. If you want to get clean, get in the program and do what others did to get there.
If you're an addict (only you decide that)...then there's just no way to use with success. It's not possible. There's these social users that can have a glass or two at Thanksgiving or New Year's. There's those problem users that use, have problems, and stop when they realize "Hey this dope is causing problems for me."...then there's us...the addicts that don't stop until we are damn well ready and willing...and the saddest part, we don't stop for anything, or anyone, until we have had enough pain.
One thing I recently heard: When the pain outweighs the pleasure, we stop f*cking the porcupine.
Only us addicts find comfort in familiar pain. Normal people don't go through life thinking "Oh when I do such and such, it causes me a great deal of pain/regret/remorse/difficulties/problems...but perhaps if I try it again it'll be different." That's how we think.
If your God is judgemental, take mine, cuz mine loves you no matter what...no matter what you've done, thought, said, behaved, etc. It'll love you.
I've never said I'm not going to use again...because honestly I don't know. I do know I can stay clean today. Just for today is how I got clean, and how I'm remaining clean. I don't feed into any delusions that I'll never pick up another drug in my life. Because I don't know what tomorrow holds, next week, or next year. I may die in my sleep tonight and not have another tomorrow, and all that energy and time I spent worrying about tomorrow will have been completely wasted.
I hope I never say I'll never use again...I know just for today, I don't HAVE to, I've got a choice today. So far I've stayed clean, went to a meeting, talked about my feelings, prayed, cryed, smoked too many cigarettes, tried to take care of myself, been fairly responsible, and if I die tonight, I'll die clean because I did what I had to do in order to stay clean today.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
Hi there, Codependent. Man, you sound just like I used to! LOL I hope you stay around long enough to tell someone the same thing. I like what Dean said. He's right, you know. You just can't do it your way. That's not just my opinion, that's the experience of the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Funny thing is, the disease uses denial to convince me over and over that THIS time will be different. As someone else has said, only YOU can decide for yourself if you're an addict. Once you DO, help becomes possible. We each must do whatever it takes to complete the process of convincing ourselves that we can not control our using, no matter how hard we try. Once we can ACCEPT this fact, we learn to let go of old people, places, and things. One way to do this is to embrace the Fellowship- we surround ourselves with people who are going in the same direction we want to go, doing what we want to do. Even with these measures, many of us still struggle learning to stay clean. I had the DESIRE to stop using , but lacked the WILLINGNESS to do what it takes. When my willingness caught up with my desire, the miracle happened. The next thing I found was that recovey doesn't start in your head, or in your heart, it starts in your FEET!! GET BUSY!! Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work steps, do some service, make coffee, set up chairs, put up chairs...DO SOMETHING!!! All this helped me "buy in" to NA as a way of life. I tried living one foot in NA and one foot in the streets...didn't work. I found it to be an "all in or all out" proposition. I wish you all the best. I will pray for your surrender. Thank you for reminding me of where I came from. Dan H.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
The next thing I found was that recovey doesn't start in your head, or in your heart, it starts in your FEET!! GET BUSY!! Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work steps, do some service, make coffee, set up chairs, put up chairs...DO SOMETHING!!! All this helped me "buy in" to NA as a way of life. I tried living one foot in NA and one foot in the streets...didn't work. I found it to be an "all in or all out" proposition. I wish you all the best. I will pray for your surrender. Thank you for reminding me of where I came from.
couldn't agree more. Odds are that 1 in 20 will get and stay clean. Hanging out with practising addicts pushs the odds into the thousands. You're wasting your time and inviting disaster.
One of the most serious motivators for me to get clean and sober was that I wanted to be able to see my son. I had to get divorced from his mother in order to get clean as she was a daily drinker and part time user. My mother in law was waiting for any opportunity to keep me from enjoying visitation with my son. If I had gotten a DUI she probably would've petitioned the court to have me drug tested or something to interupt my visitation.
Losing custody of your child is not out the relm of possibilty for you. Let's call it a "YET". It hasn't happened yet. I also grew up with an alcoholic/addict mother (who thankfully has 32 years clean and sober now). It caused a tremendous amount of anxioty and pain for me growing up without a father and living with a fucked up mother who obviously didn't take her parenting respoinsibilities very seriously. I got kicked out of every school that I attended, and was frequently in trouble with the law. I was a teenage alcoholic and addict and should have died a 100 times and done 100 years in prison. Think about what you're doing and I hope that you'll move away from this causual approach and commit yourself to your recovery. We are here to support you 150% but you've got to finish walking in the door
