i found this board 3 weeks ago. and one week later i was going to my first aa meeting. the people have been very kind to me.
i intodruced myself but i just told them things i thought fitting to the people in that meeting...
at the moment i do a apprenticeship in a kind of residental school. breakfast, lunch and dinner are in a big canteen together with a lot of people.
this morning i gazed at some guys plate while i try to get some leftovers out of my teeth. i was really focused on my teeth. the guy said something like: what do you looking at. and his eyes said: you little asshole.
i was so suprised that i don't get the situation. and when i got it it was too late to answer quick witted.
after that i found myself in a bad condition. i thought the half day about how i beat the shit out of this guy. but if i do this i'll be pushed out of the apprenticeship. so i'm not going to do it.
when i was a young man i was imprisoned for too much streetfighting. after that i stopped to harm other people. but the feelings of hate and destrcution are still strong.
i aimed that feelings at myself instead at others. and i have destroyed myself with drugs and alcohol.
i still dont really know what to do with such feelings.
i dont want talk about these aspect of my personality at the people in the aa meeting i wrote about. because im ashamed of such thoughts and feelings of violence.
Harry I feel like kicken someones butt quite often to be honest HAH,,but its what I do with that that matters. I look at the postivie side of situations, how am I better off then the person I have the resentment against is one thing I ask myself.
Give that guy a little distance sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder, normal people aren't bothered by someone who is obviously daydreaming and they certainly dont ask in the manner that he did, you observed and felt danger and its normal to want to react and retaliate just let it go, need to start learning how to let things slide off your shoulder and not be offended, remember he's got the problem you dont need to carry him around .
A bird can fly over and poop on your head but you dont have to let it nest there too
I always remember too, resentment is like me drinking poison and expecting that other person to die.
Re - sent - me...(nt) resentments resend me to those feelings of anger. Resentments are my reaction to the past, anger is my reaction to the present, and fear is my reaction to the future. Acceptance (of the past), love (in the present) and faith (for the future) can and will replace my resentment, anger and fear if I allow it.
I'm less concerned with your resentment as I am with your fear of sharing your feelings at the meetings. Do you think these people can't relate? Do you think they'll judge you or fear you? If I couldn't come to a meeting and share my feelings honestly, I wouldn't still be here, clean.
There have been so many times where I've gotten honest about my feelings at the meeting, felt like total crap about the things I was saying while I was saying them and later someone came up to me and said, "Wow! I feel EXACTLY like you described, but was too scared to say anything." Or have a predecessor come up to me and say, "I've felt exactly like that before, and this is what I did to get through it clean."
Share, share, share...and when you get sick of hearing yourself talk about the problem you're having, keep sharing...if someone else gets tired of hearing it, hopefully they have a sponsor to talk to!
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
My sponsor used to say= when hate comes up,,practice love. When i want to say something nasty or hateful,,I can always practice saying somethin complimentary when i want to hurt someone,,i was surprised ow just touching that person dissolved the hate. and most of all,, It seems best to simly STEP AWAY form situations that ae hate driven,,,I do this by concious choice today ! God is Goodness,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
hey harry, i love hate, its been a constant companion, I've hated my family . I've hated jobs and bosses. I've hated my friends. I've even hated NA. of course i hated drugs, even while i was loving them. there have been times when i hated every single person that was around me. i hated every situation in my my life. But some funny things came with sobriety. One of the first things i discovered was I hated me most of all. While trying to get that under control ( an ongoing process ) i discovered that hate took a ton of energy, and frankly I'm to damn lazy for it. My focus today when I'm in the hateful kind of mood is like vin said..do something for someone else. Ive found there's nothing that gets me out of myself better than giving to someone else. good luck to you. anthonyg
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Humiliation, and particularly public humiliation, are real tender spots for me. I'd most likely be in a rage over that situation as well. It would eat at me.
I think it's important to do a little research into your reaction. Is it really hate? Or is it pride? Ego? Did you used to be that person? Uncovering the real cause of the powerful reaction can be a good way to get to know yourself better and to be better prepared for similar situations in the future.
I always try to remind myself that people don't really do things to me. They do things for themselves.
That person behaved that way to make himself look and feel a certain way. It really had nothing to do with you. You just so happened to be the person sitting there. It could have been anyone.
Is it too soon to try to surrender and accept? Is it too soon to try to give metta or say a little prayer for that person? To forgive and have compassion?
These are our ultimate goals in recovery. I readily admit, though, that if I were in your shoes, it would definitely take me some time to get to these spiritual goals.
I completely agree with Blithe. Forgivess is best when it comes at the end of the soul search. Even nite fore last i was in a situation= Someone apologised and said "Im sorry sir" when i told him i thought his behaviour was very in-appropriate. Then when some one i knew asked me what was happening I was trying to do so without altering it,,, when another staff of that hotel butts in and argues. I gave him a warning and told him to knock it off. He didnt. So finished wht i had to do and then tackled him head on. I spoke to his manager and insisted on an apology. Then when the offender came to do so,,I took him to my client and asked him to apologise in front of the client. He does.But I did not stop at that and gave a 5minute lecture on proper behaviour in a five star hotel. The guy was in tears when I finished,,, he had to show that kind of remorse for me to stop. Kinda extreme ?? No. My natural wisdom indicated that was the corect course of action i had pursued,,,to leave it alone as the client ahd said would have me in a very big resentment and disturbing myself. Thats why we need 'wisdom to know the differance"
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
a lot good things have already been said. Blyth brought up many good tools to gain insight on yourself. You have no control over that other person. He was simply looking for someone (anyone) to make them the object of his own disatisfaction. Think of how afraid (and uncomfortable) that guy must have been, in that apprentiship program. All negative emotions are routed in FEAR. He had no other tools available to him to dissapate his fear except turning it into anger and discharging on the first available person (you). It had absolutely nothing to do with you other than logistics. By the way, addicts and alcoholics are generally very good at this "discharging of fear/anger" to the closest people to us, which unfortunately is/are our family, friends and co-workers. This is the root of our relationship problems. John Bradshaw (author of "On the family", "healing the shame that binds you", "homecoming"...) cals this discharging "passing the shame". He says that it's a common occurance at family reunions or holiday get togethers.
Your reaction to what this guy said, "what are you looking at?" was over the top probably more so than what the guy said. I'm not talking about what you did (nothing) I'm referring to what you did to yourself afterward. That guy didn't shame you, he only stirred up the shame that you carry with you. If our self esteem/self worth is low and our shame is high, it's not going to take much to set us off. Correcting our perception of ourselves through working the steps, reading postitive affirmations daily (<---this is Hugely important) and developing a history of acting rightly in accordance with our code ("practicing these principals in all our affairs") will bring about a change in our thinking about ourselves (and others) that will shift our basis from one of shame to one of Love, and Understanding.
One last thing. Depression is anger turned inward on ourselves. When we don't "rise to the occasion" in our own eyes, we beat ourselves up, like a bad parent who never approves of anything that we do. There is no shame in looking at that guy and replying "pardon me for staring, I was not looking at anything, but rather thinking about what I had to do later today, have a nice day". Now when you recall that incident, picture yourself saying something gentlemanly like that to him and instead beating the crap out of him. And next time you're in a situation like that, you'll have something to draw on.
