***WARNING*** If anyone is looking for Experience, Strength, and/or Hope...stop reading here.
I've got today clean, backed by 2 days, 10 months, and 2 years. Not very much time really if you ask me...but no one's asked me that, so...my point of this post: I don't know why I'm still here.
I've just left my husband of 11 years because he wouldn't stop using. He's been locked up for most of the time I've been clean. He got out, moved home, stayed clean, got a sponsor, worked steps 1 thru 5, made friends, etc. Somewhere along the line something went wrong for him and he decided drugs would be a viable option and picked up again.
I found out, not too hard to tell an addict when they are using, and tried my best to be rational, which considering the circumstance, was quite amazing. I gave him two days to choose what he wanted: me and his 8 yr old daughter and recovery, or drugs with no us...he chose drugs and walked away from us in the middle of a street fair (at which out daughter was riding the carnival rides).
I know in my heart the man loves us both, but f*ck it doesn't feel like he does. I am so angry, so hurt, so sad, so everything...hateful, betrayed, confused, on and on. I can't stand this right now. I want to die, get high and cry...fortunately, for least of all my daughter's sake, all I've done has been to cry.
I honestly don't know how much sh*t I can take. My life has been good, bad, as well as indifferent ever since I've been clean. This is the last nail in coffin. I can't take it. I can't understand why in God's name sh*t like this has to perpetrate continually in my life.
Yeah. Recovery is not paying off for me...and I've yet to pick up, but I don't know what to do.
Please pray for an addict named Jason M. He needs this program, I only pray he becomes willing to want it again. As for me, we shall see...more will be revealed.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
Hi Goldie, Thanks for your post and thanks for coming here instead of doing what we used to do. It may seem like recovery is not paying off but don't believe that lie. The absolute worst of times in recovery is still better than living in the madness, slowly committing suicide, and devastating the lives of our loved ones. We DO pray for Jason and every other suffering addict each time we take that moment of silence, right now I'm more concerned about you because you're the one who is ASKING forr help. That's where it all starts. Stay here, Goldie, you're safe here. You're among friends here. We will help you through this if you'll let us. "By humbling ourselves and asking for help we can make it through the toughest of times. I can't, we can!" It always seems darkest before the dawn, but there will BE a dawn if we don't use. I must always remember that there is no problem I can have that using can't make WORSE! Just hold on, keep asking for help, pray, and keep coming here and pouring your heart out. We DO care. We want to help, and we are uniquely equipped to understand what you are going through. Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to reach out. The greatest thing you can do right now to help Jason, is to stay clean, work the steps, and every time he shows up, be an expmple of the program working. Good Luck, Goldie, I'll be praying for you. Dan H.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
God bless Jason wherever he maybe,, Bless him right into recovery,, May he come in here and find what we many addicts have found,,, complete freedom from active addiction. Bless him to be clean today,, bring him in please if hes still on his way,, but God ,,, show compassion and mercy even if he never did...
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
We have to be able to let go of whats harmful ( accept the things we cannot change, change what we can and wisdom to know the difference ), sometimes that means people, we have to let them go and let them hit there own personal bottom, we don't make other peoples bottoms for them or tell them what they should be doing we only suggest to them what might help and our own personal experiences.
Keep hope alive for Jason and yes I will pray for him and all the suffering addicts out there still using because thats a life in hell on earth, for a real addict.
You just keep your blessing today , Jasons higher power is with him as yours is with you and don't allow outside issues effect your recovery to the point of owning you, you have personal power now you have the ability to choose and take what your higher power gives to you as long as you keep a conscous contact with that power.
Hang in there....focus on what you want to expand. My sister died of an overdose, and her oldest son seems to be choosing a similar path....he hints of killing himself. All I can do is radiate love and sanity for him, but ultimately he's on his own path and has the right to choose it. I know it sucks. I get furious at "my concept of God" all the time. But I now turn to my fellow man. the reward of life is living itself.
Peace and light
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I think people are full of guile.....I enjoy that.
After trying to get clean and sober for over 2 years in the program, I finally had to put an end to my marriage and tell my wife to leave. She wanted to continue drinking and using and as hard as I tried I couldn't work my own program with that going on in my own home. I urge you now to focus on yourself and Your program and forget about his. This is about life and death and if you don't save yours then what good could you be to anyone later? as far as "recovery not paying off...", recovery is like anything else, the results reflect the effort applied into it. The saying that I most did Not want to hear, in early recovery, but rings so true is "Time takes Time".
You must continue to stay clean (and work the steps) one day at a time over time to reap the benefits of this program. Do you currently have a sponsor and are you making an effort to get to meetings daily? My divorce started right when I got clean for the last time ('89) and it was very difficult with the loneliness and all, but I got a lot of help with that by attending meetings daily. A great number of those people had been right where I was and told me to focus on myself one day at a time.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtfulness and prayers...I'm still a wreck, and I'm sure I'm going to feel sh*tty for awhile. I've got a sponsor...have had one since about two weeks clean. I'm smack in the middle of my 9th step. A lot of stuff has happened to me in the last year and half I've been clean, and somewhere I've lost my hope. Today, I have no hope, and being clean that just totally sucks.
I'm going to more meetings now that I'm a wreck simply because it's force of habit now. I'm sharing honestly with anyone that cares to ask, simply because that's what I'm used to doing now. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to go through this...but fact is, I am. I don't like it and aside from the simple basics of: don't use, go to a meeting, and be honest...that's all I'm capable of at this time.
I dusted off my God box a few days ago, and have been using it pretty much daily since this passed weekend. I know in my heart he's an addict and there's no stopping his disease until HE surrenders...but my head tells me he's made that choice - which I know is complete B.S...there's no choice in the matter of an addict using. It's just really hard to feel any empathy for him.
I had such hopes and dreams pertaining to our future, and they've just been crushed, and set on fire. I feel like I'm left with nothing but a huge jumbled mess that I don't know what to do with. I keep doing the things I need to...my sponsor told me, "You can't think yourself into good actions, but you can act yourself into good thinking..." meaning basically that next right thing mantra. So I know I'm taking steps, however meaningless they seem now, I'm still doing them.
Still sucks. Still hurts. I still want to stop and crumble, but that's not a choice apparently. Someone said one day, that we don't choose recovery, recovery chooses us...that's about how I feel right now. My heart is not in this at all, but I'm doing what I was told all along to do, basically, because I don't know what else to do.
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde~
