My name is Kathleen and I am and addict. I am an addict. I am an addict. Maybe if I write it enough times it will sink in and then, with the acknowledgement, I will then begin recovery. I am actually an alcoholic by trade, but I realized a long time ago how much it was affecting my life and stopped drinking. More or less. I did not go into a program, I just stopped and then replaced it with other things. Addicted people.....other alcoholics....drugs. Three months ago, I had come to a realizeation that I had a very serious problem with pain killers. I knew that it was an addiction, and I started to look for help. Well meaning people helped me to rationalize that my problem was not as big as they get. I was not addicted to crack after all. I was not living on the streets.... I was starting to believe that I probably did not really need a program. My problems are not that big, suck it up and get er done.......... Till this past week. I decided that after 10 months of healing from supporting the last addict in my life, that I was ready to date, to start a new chapter in my life. After all, my problems are not that big. I met a nice guy, we went out. I really liked him, lots of phone calls, it was okay to me that every night he would head to bed with a "strong drink" and a few tylenol #3's. I was even thinking yesterday how,it would be okay for me to have a few drinks here and there with him....I was also thinking that I could probably get some #3s from him. I forgot about the fact that the last time I drank I was out bowling with my three daughters, 10 and under. I got so drunk that I did not remember getting home and my daughters had to give the taxi directions. I woke up the next day to my four year old asking why I had to go and drink so many beer and get so funny in the head..... as she put it. Last night it was even okay that he called me in the middle night drunk...I was dissapointed that I did not go with him. So, today, after he stood me up to go to the bar, my first thought this evening, was to go out and get drunk. It did not matter that if i went that I would spend every single penny that I had and then would be very nice to other people to get more to drink. Then I went oh......................OH! I sent the guy a txt and told him that I did not think that we were right for eachother. I thought about how many pills I had taken this week, just over the few days that I had known him, and it had more than doubled. I did not see the slippery slope that I was on, and my feelings of unhappiness were becoming overpowering. I have not used now in 4 hours. I have been clean for 4 hours. As my date stood me up, I have childcare for tomorrow, and I am going to a meeting. I am not sure that I trust me with myself, so I threw out all of my pills, and gave away my ATM card...To someone I know of course LOL... and I have arranged for a friend in recovery to come and pick me up. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to replace my habbits for people who's habbits I envy. I want to be free.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Follow through Kitizy we're in your corner, been right where you are at hope it's a turning pointand towards recovery.
When they say the drugs and booze stop working it means you start having a lot if not all days like yours, theres not much enjoyment left and each time leaves you feeling guilty and like something just isn't right and when you look back and see it for what it is, it isn't right.
Recovery will leave you each and every day with a feeling that what your doing is the right thing even when it doesn't quite feel comfortable, it takes awhile getting used to it but theres a whole lot less guilt and pain .
Today I chose to live pain free mostly , you have a few hours pain free and you haven't brought on any more other then facing some facts and facing the reality. It's gonna get better just stay clean and sober, give yourself a break and everyone else in your life.
Wishing you the very best.
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. " Theodore Roosevelt
