I know...I know...for me, day 50 after a relapse.  And the questions you're asking have come to me as well.  I know that in my case, I didn't quite GET the fact that I was, is, and will ALWAYS be an addict. I told myself, I'm a good person, I have a job, a mortgage, drive an SUV, blah blah blah...but what I forgot to add was..."who is also an ADDICT".  I know you must be sitting there, feeling like you're trapped in your body, wanting to get out cuz you can't seem to stop.  Ask for help. Demand it if you have to! Cuz in the world of rehab there's always some sorry-ass reason why there's no beds. I know you don't feel lovable enough to do this, but I know you know that in that body, YOU are waiting. Don't wait any longer. The pain CAN end. There is a day when you ACTUALLY wake up and don't have to use to "feel well". REMEMBER? (I know you do) You just can't do it alone. Drop everything, cuz if you don't, sooner or later....jail or death. There's another door, please walk through it, the rest of us (all of us here) are waiting on the other side. We're here...walk through.

"we are granted a daily reprieve based upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition". This means going to meetings, working the steps, using a sponsor, and getting involved with the fellowship. I relapsed a dozen times in the first two years of trying to get clean because I wasn't "IN" the program, I was "around" the program. When I finally surrendered and did ALL the things that were suggested to me, I haven't felt the need to use in quite some time. I went to meetings every day for nearly 4 years. A lot were AA meetings because there just weren't enough NA meetings in the late '80's but I never missed a day and many days I went to 2 or 3 meetings. One of greatest things that I did for my recovery was share houses with recovering people. I was very fortunate that my father allowed me to rent a house from him that had 3 stories and four bedrooms. I posted notices at the local AA club for rooms to rent and only selected people with 2 or more years of recovery , most had more than 5 (when I had like 6 months). My point is that we need to surround ourselves with people that are "IN" the program and get away from our old people, places, and things that we used around. One of those people is us (in our head) in our issolation

Dean

Hey there, Wendell,
Man, you started a great new thread. Thanks for your post. I came to NA a little late in life, at age 48, and thought I knew some stuff. What I knew almost killed me!! I went to meetings almost daily, had a sponsor that I called regularly, read the literature and learned to quote it in my sharing, I had a home group, did service, and, oh yeah... I continued to use. I seemed to have skipped that part about surrender. I remember I used to come off a run for a weekend and ask myself if I had really surrendered this time. "I think I've surrendered, I feel like I've surrendered, Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've surrendered." Then I would go use again. Every time I used I would go back to meetings and act as if nothing had happened. In almost 2 years I only asked for 2 start over keytags. I would sit in meetings and others would share and be getting honest and vulnerable, and then that spirit or atmosphere of recovery would begin to move and get so thick you could almost touch it, and then EVERY ONE would be getting honest and vulnerable....everyone but ME. I would sit there miserable, and sick in my spirit, hurting and scared and couldn't tell anyone that I couldn't stop using, believing that if I got honest that everyone else would feel the same way about me that I felt about myself- they would also hate me. Then my life became more and more unmanageable, others began to notice that something wasn't quite right, and soon EVERYBODY knew, I was exposed for the fraud that I was. I didn't know it at the time, but it was the best thing that could happen to and arrogant, prideful addict like me. I was humiliated and embarassed, but I became willing to ask for help. I REALLY surrendered. I realized after some time that something was different- I no longer asked myself if I had surrendered. I just knew. The literature says surrender is a very personal experience, only WE know when we've done it. Today people sometimes ask me how to know if they've surrendered. I tell them trying to explain surrender to someone who has never done it is like trying to explain "orange" to a person born blind- there is just no basis for communication. Be encouraged, my friend, because one of the things my experience has taught me is that THIS Program is so powerful that the only way to NOT get it is to stop coming. If we just keep coming back, this Program will eventually penetrate all those barriers we have built up and the walls of dishonesty, denial, and self-deception will come tumbling down and free us to recover. A relapse can be the "...jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program." Good luck, Wendell, and I hope to see you regularly right here letting us know how you're doing. Big, BIG, Love, Dan H