I've not really posted on here before, but post often on the Alanon site. I have an A BF who I struggle to maintain boundaries with. However, it has also come to my attention that perhaps I also have a problem with drugs. I have started a pattern where every couple of weeks I go out and "party" at friends houses, We drink and do coke. I don't ever pay or anything and we don't hurt anyone, but ALWAYS the next day I feel horrible guilt that I did it, that I stayed up late, that I may have influenced by A BF, that I might at some point threaten my child- though I would never do drugs at home- but what if I got arrested or lost my job through a drug test? These feelings of guilt seem to overwhelm me and my depression often lingers for a couple of days- I've even cried hysterically the morning after a "binge". Yet, I seem to repeat this pattern consistently though the next day I often "blame" ,in my mind, the people I was partying with. When I feel guilty I can't even seem to stop the negative talk in mind that gets me stuck. I guess i am just looking for some feedback here...thanks for letting me post.
Sounds like it's something you have thought deeply about and it doesn't fit into your life so get rid of it before it become habitual. You decide if your an addict some people are addicted to just using now and then believe it or not, it still comes with the compulsion and obsession to do what they do these are qualitys of addiction that make it difficult to stop doing something.
Your familiar with the 12 step programs, work the steps on this just like you would your codependency .
I'd echo with what BigV said and include that you're seriously playing with fire, coke addiction is a horrible thing. Using through association gets most of us, casually at first, then before you know it's every weekend then daily.
as a practicing addict i enjoyed using around weekend warriors, they help boost my feeling that " everyone was using " so that i felt better about myself . these warriors would come around every couple of weekends, then every weekend. then one day in the mid week. soon i would let them hang out only if they had enough money for both of us. i saw that cycle hundreds if not thousands of times. it will never end. the newbie user is an important part in helping the veteran keep using. it helps make us feel like one big super cool family. in the end the big lie became apparent and painfully obvious. also after i choose to quit using it was amazing how quickly my cool family faded away , it seems i could no longer help them feel normal about themselves. in fact just the opposite. today i enjoy a new super cool family , and life has never been easier for me. good luck.
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Hello Friend, Thanks for your post and welcome. I'm just a "Newbie" here but I do have a little recovery experience to offer. One thing no one has mentioned as a factor in your situation is the "progressive" nature of addiction. The longer we use, the worse it becomes. This can happen slowly or quickly and it doesn't necessarily depend on how much or how often we use. Personal tolerance plays a role. What is important is that it is all down hill. Whether in days, months, or years, the disease will continue to progress until we treat it with abstinence and the 12 steps of recovery or until we die. Our disease even continues to progress during times of abstinence, according to our literature. My experience is that the disease involves more than just the use of drugs and that abstinence is what makes the other stages of recovery possible. Without a program of recovery I risk the disease becoming active in another area or areas of my life, ie. food, sex, shopping, gambling, etc. By applying the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous I can begin to grow spiritually, thus beginning to slowly move away from the self-obsession that is the core of the disease, toward God centeredness and service to others. It is only through this spiritual growth that the disease is arrested in all areas, and even then it requires constant vigilance to maintain my recovery. This has been my experience, I hope it helps. Good luck and I'll keep coming back.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Hello Friend, Thanks for your post and welcome. I'm just a "Newbie" here but I do have a little recovery experience to offer. One thing no one has mentioned as a factor in your situation is the "progressive" nature of addiction. The longer we use, the worse it becomes. This can happen slowly or quickly and it doesn't necessarily depend on how much or how often we use. Personal tolerance plays a role. What is important is that it is all down hill. Whether in days, months, or years, the disease will continue to progress until we treat it with abstinence and the 12 steps of recovery or until we die. Our disease even continues to progress during times of abstinence, according to our literature. My experience is that the disease involves more than just the use of drugs and that abstinence is what makes the other stages of recovery possible. Without a program of recovery I risk the disease becoming active in another area or areas of my life, ie. food, sex, shopping, gambling, etc. By applying the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous I can begin to grow spiritually, thus beginning to slowly move away from the self-obsession that is the core of the disease, toward God centeredness and service to others. It is only through this spiritual growth that the disease is arrested in all areas, and even then it requires constant vigilance to maintain my recovery. This has been my experience, I hope it helps. Good luck and I'll keep coming back.
Sounds like it's something you have thought deeply about and it doesn't fit into your life so get rid of it before it become habitual.
Dan I didn't miss it this disease is defintely progressive in most cases, some people can sail along whistling in the dark but at some point a tidal wave will hit in there lives and it will bring them to full blown addiction. Sometimes all it takes is retirement I have heard the storys of people dying shortly after retireing because they'll go on the binge they've been waiting for for years, it was just sitting there waiting for the opportunity to surface it's ugly head.
a good example for me was when i relapsed with over 5 years clean, the night i finally went out relapsed on my DOC I was right back to the place I had left off 5 years earlier and I knew at that point it was going to be even worse then before so I stopped there not wanting what was coming .
As addicts, we are people whose use of any mind-altering, mood-changing substance causes a problem in any area of life.
Thanks for your post Vini, Man you hit me right where I am. 5 years clean and a few months, beginning to think I KNOW some stuff about recovery and really just beginning to scratch the surface! I truly do need to stay as open and willing as a newcomer. Every time I hear myself say "One thing I know..." or "If there's one thing I've learned...." I know that's the sound of my mind slamming shut, for when I KNOW something, I don't need to learn any more about THAT subject. I'm grateful for the example that others have set for me to follow. "We look to the Fellowship for the kind of life we want for ourselves." Thanks for being here. Big Hugs, Dan
__________________
"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Hello Friend, Thanks for your post and welcome. I'm just a "Newbie" here but I do have a little recovery experience to offer. One thing no one has mentioned as a factor in your situation is the "progressive" nature of addiction. The longer we use, the worse it becomes. This can happen slowly or quickly and it doesn't necessarily depend on how much or how often we use. Personal tolerance plays a role. What is important is that it is all down hill. Whether in days, months, or years, the disease will continue to progress until we treat it with abstinence and the 12 steps of recovery or until we die. Our disease even continues to progress during times of abstinence, according to our literature. My experience is that the disease involves more than just the use of drugs and that abstinence is what makes the other stages of recovery possible. Without a program of recovery I risk the disease becoming active in another area or areas of my life, ie. food, sex, shopping, gambling, etc. By applying the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous I can begin to grow spiritually, thus beginning to slowly move away from the self-obsession that is the core of the disease, toward God centeredness and service to others. It is only through this spiritual growth that the disease is arrested in all areas, and even then it requires constant vigilance to maintain my recovery. This has been my experience, I hope it helps. Good luck and I'll keep coming back.
Thank you very, VERY much for the wonderful reminder of WHY I need to work my program on a regular basis.
this disease is defintely progressive in most cases, some people can sail along whistling in the dark but at some point a tidal wave will hit in there lives and it will bring them to full blown addiction. Sometimes all it takes is retirement I have heard the storys of people dying shortly after retireing because they'll go on the binge they've been waiting for for years, it was just sitting there waiting for the opportunity to surface it's ugly head.
