Yesterday, my fiancee admitted that he had an addiction to Percocet. He has been swallowing and snorting 10+ pills per day. This information came to light because I was planning on leaving him. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive. He has a snap temper. I gave birth five months ago to our beautiful daughter and I couldn't stand for her to hear him call me names anymore.
So, he fessed up to a pill addiction of 100-150 dollars per day. He's broke, he has ten dollars in his bank account. He doesn't have the money to pay the rent for August. I have been paying all the utility and phone bills. I have bought all the groceries and EVERYTHING our daughter has needed since birth. I pay for daycare and can't depend on him to care for her, so in all reality, I have been a single parent.
He said he had set aside money for baby Chloe. She had a savings account. I am a waitress and I would throw all my change into her piggy bank. A few weeks ago, the big jar was full and Jerry said he's cashed it in and deposited it into her account. He admitted he has spend our daughters money on his pills. Our own daugher.
He is trying to get into a rehab but since he's broke he doesn't know how to do it. He took his last pill last night and has been sleeping all day. I am bitter, angry, devastated. I do not know if I have enough forgiveness in my heart. I feel like he is the most selfish person on earth. How nice it is for him to take off to rehab and leave us without money to pay the rent. Now, I have to find a way to take care of Chloe and feel humilated to ask friends and family for money so I can pay all the bills so my credit isn't destroyed.
I also don't know if I can trust him again. He says it was the drugs that made him call me bad names but I don't even believe that. I guess I am looking to other's to share their experiences with addiction.
Were you heartless and would you call someone you loved a dumbass biatch?
Were you selfish enough to steal from you own baby?
I feel bad that I am not feeling more sympathy. After the hell he's put me through the last 6 months, I feel nothing. The greatest moment of my life, giving birth to my daughter has been tarnished. Even in the delivery room, I wasn't having the baby fast enough for him. He stormed out saying, "you can have this f*cking baby by yourself."
I am still planning on leaving, I cannot afford this house on my income only. He keeps asking if I still love him. I honestly don't know. I can only tell him that he needs to work on himself before he tries to repair the relationship with me.
hi michelle, my names anthony and im an addict. i completely understand your pain. your feelings of abandonment and selfishness on your fiancees part are real and totally with merit. your anger and feelings of of betrayal are also coming through loud and clear. theres good news and bad news. first the bad, you already know your in a tough spot. its going to take what it takes to get yourself and your baby out of it. no shame in relying on friends and family. your in a time of need and they are there to help you. ask for that help. now the good news. there is hope. for you ,your fiancee and your baby. your the one thats here so ill talk to you. number one priority is you and the baby. contact narconon in your area. the numbers can be found in your phone book, your daily paper or this web site. it is not your addiction but you suffer because of it. that in itself makes you a sick person. the degree of sickness is entirely up to you. treat yourself first. the folks at narconon can get you in touch with whats going on with your fiancee , and that info will in turn help you make good decisions on your future..in the meantime keep us posted..very best of luck to you and your family. hugs.
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Don't be shocked because much worse can and will happen. When an addict is using they can't be trusted. They may say or do anything in order to get more of what they're addicted to. Worse news is that only about 1 in 20 addicts (that try) are able to get clean. And it's much harder for them to get clean while they are trying to have a relationship (ala "I'm ok because I have her"...) vs. being alone and having no one to focus on but themselves to solve their problems. I'm not going to give advice here you may want to consider the above when making decisions that concern the future of your and your baby's lives. I wish I had something more hopeful or positive to say, but I personally, outside of meetings, don't have any dealings with addicts with less than a year of continuous clean time and a strong program. It's a gamble at best. Good luck.
During the night on Wednesday, Jerry took his last pill. On Thursday, he was pretty much like a statue. He didn't move much, didn't eat, didn't smoke. He just laid around moving his legs a lot. I didn't have any sympathy and I felt mean. Because it's not really who I am. I am a compassionate, loving being but I felt like I had nothing left to give him. I actually asked him to go lay in the other room. Honestly, I couldn't stand the sight of him. When he finally got up to eat the frozen pizza I bought along with Chloe's formula(the last cash I had until work today), I wanted to rip it out of his mouth and yell, "You don't deserve to eat this food since you spent our money on pills!"
I had a voicemail on my cell phone after work. Driving to the babysitter's to pick up Chloe, I listened to Jerry cry into the phone. "I'm going to the regional hospital for detox for a few days. Then, I will living in a rehab. I am so sorry Michelle, I hate the person I have become. I want to get better for you and Chloe. I can understand if you don't love me anymore. I still want to get better and help take care of Chloe even if you chose not stay with me. Please give Chloe a kiss for me. I love you."
I had nothing to say, I kind of felt nothing too. Maybe if anything, I feel a sense of relief. Probably because he's gone away and I don't have to deal with his insanity. His crying apology didn't phase me. Sorry for what? For treating me like crap? For almost financially destroying me? For missing out on our daughter's first five months of life?
He will not break my spirit though. I will show Chloe the type of person I hope she will become.
I texted him the only positive feeling I have,
"I am proud of you."
And this will be true, even if I don't chose to live with him again.
beautiful baby michelle, hang in there . certainly like dean said things can get worse. but to say they WILL get worse is just bad intel. try to stay in the positive. your baby is healthy , as are you. your fiance is seeking help . its very true that many relapse on the first try, but it plants a seed . its a good thing. follow your heart . is it possible your fiance has used the entire time you have known him ? if so , there may be a very special person lying beneath that addict. ive seen that many times. recovering addicts of 30 days or 30 years are among the greatest people ive ever met. good luck to you and yours. anthonyg
-- Edited by mrwinkie at 07:17, 2008-07-26
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Yes, Anthony, he admitted to using drugs since 18 when he confessed to me about his Perocet addiction. He's 31 now. I think he finally admitted all truths on Wednesday morning. It was a hard pill for me to swallow and maybe why that's why I'm so bitter.
He called him Mom from the hospital this morning because he's allowed to make local calls. My cell phone is long distance. He told his mom he wanted to talk with me. He called his Mom back when I was there to pick the baby up after I worked a 10 hour shift. I asked her not to answer her phone. I really don't have the time to listen to his crying and apologizing when I have to be at work at 5:30am tomorrow morning too. I have plants to water, bottles and nursing pump parts to sterilize, a baby to care for, a house to clean, my uniforms to wash and maybe somewhere in this busy day, I remember to eat myself. He left a phone number. I don't have a desire to talk to him and didn't take down the number.
Like yesterday, I still don't have anything nice to really say, so I'd rather say nothing at all. I keep feeling like being a smartass and saying,"Enjoy your vacation while I pull extra shifts to care for our daughter." My anger won't help the situation any right now. I told his Mom to repeat, "We are proud of him" if he continues calling wondering why he hasn't heard from me. That is the only truth I know at this moment.
A big hug to you and your beautiful daughter. I'm sorry you're going through this awful experience with your fiancé. Most using addicts are selfish, lying, stealing, heartless shits while using. And then we can be the nicest, most sensitive people when clean. It's all very confusing and hurtful, I know. I don't blame you for your anger.
I have to say that I feel very qualified to help another addict since I share the same experience. Unfortunately, I am not as qualified to help friends and family. I can most certainly sympathize, empathize, and offer lots of support, but since I don't really share your experience, I am unable to offer concrete solutions, which is what you need right now.
The good news is that there are some groups out there that do share your experience and can offer solutions based on that experience. Would you be willing to look in to that?
If so, here is some info you might find helpful:
One support group for friends and family of addicts is Naranon. You can find a meeting here: http://nar-anon.org/naranongroups.htm
Another is Alanon. You can get information at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Michelle, all the best to you and your family. You are always welcome to post here and we are happy to offer our support. However, please keep in mind that we don't necessarily share your experience. We share your fiancé's experience.
I took Jerry his clothing, tolietries and cigarettes on Monday. When I saw him, I was in shock. His eyes didn't look empty, he didn't have dark circles around them, he didn't look so yellow in color, I think he gained about 8 pounds since going through detox. When he spoke, I realized how much he'd changed. He had emotion, he had manners, it was almost like I didn't know this person. Or maybe I had forgot him. We he asked if he could give me a hug before I left, I didn't know what to say. It was the longest, hardest hug he ever gave me. I stood there with my arms at my sides afraid to hug him back.
He asked if he could hold Chloe for a few minutes. So, we sat outside and he cried while he kissed his daughter's bald head. He's so emotional right now. He explained to me that the pills made him numb, not just physically but mentally too. When the addiction started to consume him, he started to withdraw into a dark, depressed place. He used to hide out in the spare room, playing xbox most days after work. He'd even fall asleep in there at night. I was upset and hurt that he didn't care about spending time with us. Then, before he hit rock bottom, he'd hardly ever be at home. I thought he was having an affair.
He told me his addiction made him feel unworthy. He started spending time in the spare bedroom because he didn't think he deserved to play with Chloe or sleep in bed with me. As it progressed, he felt like he didn't even deserve to be in our presence. He didn't deserved to be loved or even eat. He said as punishment, he starting making his living space smaller and smaller. He said he spend a lot of time in his car, just driving around or sitting in a parking lot. He said he felt too messed up to even go into a store. His said his mind felt like a bowl of shredded lettuce. It helped me to hear this because I thought that he chose not to be with us because he didn't care or love us anymore. In reality, he really didn't care about anything but his next high but that was the drug addict Jerry.
He's gone back to work and he says everyone tells him he must have really needed a "vacation" because he even looks different. He agreed to stay in rehab for at least 90 days. He'll get more freedom after 30 days. He told me I could sell his xbox and all his games to pay the bills. He's even going to sign the title to the truck over to me so I can sell that too.
I'm still having a hard time understanding how a little pill could completely take over one's life and change them so drastically. I'm also confused about this sudden change in the person I had grown to hate. I'm still in shock but not so angry anymore. I feel better because I have a sense of hope now. I'm taking it one day at a time though.
Thank you for listening and sharing. Without this board, I doubt I would have handled things so well because you helped me feel "understood". I will keep you updated.
It's amazing how much we change when we stop using and we start becoming who we really are, but then we are faced with more demons to deal with, getting clean is just the begining.
After these few years of being clean sometimes a ghost in my past will appear and I do get emotional over these ghosts and memorys, but as time goes by they effect me less and less.
But there are days when I go into real funks and I know its the junk down inside and I try to look deep down to see what it is and I think what that is emotional scar tissue.
Lately some things have come up things I have to take responsibility for things I have some power over and others I have none.
Many of us have a hard time dealing with life on it's terms we never learned the proper way to handle these day to day issues and the feelings that go along with them, we spent our lives numbing everything out and simply not dealing with them. I know I ran from all sorts of things so I didn't have to feel the feelings that went with them or the responsibility that goes along with life stuff.
I couldn't even take care of myself and ended up getting nearly completely institutionalized, the only place I was safe against myself was to be locked up some where, either in prison or some treatment facility and then the day they let me out I would be off again, running.......this went on for many years.
So that said I hope this treatment is the right timing for Jerry this thing is all about timing, I hope he's had enough I hope he's able to appreciate who and what he has in his life because addiction will blur all of it and make it not quite as important then getting high thats the nature of the beast IT COME FIRST and it seems so selfish but that is the nature of addiction, and yes thats sick it is an illness, spiritual, mental, physical illness.
Now that he's getting clean he has choice back in his life but he will be faced with decisions, and he will be faced with compulsions to use and he will have to decide how to handle this thing and he will have tools set in his lap to choose from, he will have to decide each day each time that compulosion comes up "Do I want to be clean"? or "do I want what I had back" ? he will have to think about what the program tells us we can do to get threw these trying times and there are many things we can choose from other then getting high, but it takes determination and he has to be sick and tired of what he had before, and we addicts are extremely bull headed when it comes to that.
Keep us updated and I wish the very best for you and your baby and for Jerry.
Thats why we say "We came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" Yes underline the word COULD. NA dosent force anything on anyone,,an addict,,any addict, can get and stay clean and find a new way of life within his/her own culture,, the choice is entirely upto the indiviadul addict and this Program dosent work by default !! Those understandings restored me to sanity,, and tho at times I am clean but crazy,,it dosent matter because I choose not to stay that way. I cannot afford to hold onto negative emotions like hate,greed,etc. They make me mad !! Im quickly restored to sanity because i use the 12 Steps as a Program of recovery. And over the years the restoration has gotten quicker. All said and done I live to love and love to live the NA Way fo life,, in the 12 Step Tradition of Narcotics Anonymous Worldwide !! And im certain as are most others that It will work for any addict with the desire to stay clean !
-- Edited by Raman at 06:54, 2008-08-01
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Unfortunately, the situation got worse. He told me he wanted to come home Monday. When I told him I didn't think he was ready, his true colors came through once again. He started cursing at me, telling me I was a quitter and a dumbass. I told him I didn't need to hear his abuse and I was hanging up. He said, "If you hang up on me, I'll kill you." I laughed, "Kill me?" and hung up.
About ten minutes later, I heard his car pull into the driveway. I was on the phone with his mom, he had called her earlier in the day full of rage. He blamed her for his drug addiction because she wasn't a good enough mother. I told his Mom, "Oh my God, he's here, he's here!" and hung up the phone. I couldn't get to the door fast enough to lock it.
He came in and held me down, trying to force me to hug him. My upper body wasn't strong enough to get him off of me, I could only fight with my legs. I asked him to leave, that this relationship was done. I have had enough of this roller coaster ride. I'm ready to get off. I said, "You blamed your meanness and craziness on drugs but you have been sober for a week, what can you blame now?"
He then threatened to kill himself in front of me. I am so sick of his destruction, I told him to get in his car and drive into a tree if he was going to commit suicide, I was tired of cleaning up after his messes.
The police finally arrived, his Mom called because she was worried about me and Chloe. He's such a good liar and con artist he told the cop, "Oh officer, we are just talking, my baby daughter is inside asleep." The cop didn't believe him and asked me if everything was okay. I told him it wasn't and Jerry needed to leave. The cop waited until he was gone and came back to check on us later.
He got kicked out of rehab. He was not supposed to leave for thirty days without a partner. He dropped the other fellow off at a store and abandonned him. I honestly don't know where he is right now or if he's using again.
He keeps calling and texting me. Most of the time, I don't answer or pick up. He blames me for getting kicked out of rehab, he calls me a quitter. He has no idea or takes no responsibilty for hurting me. I am living in fear now, I had the locks changed. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder or out the window, afraid he's going to hurt me or Chloe more than just mentally. I can honestly say, I think he's psychotic, he's crazed now right. Today, I disconnected his cell phone even though I'll have to pay $200.00 next month for breaking the contract. I will have a reprieve from his harassment because he has no money right now and no credit to get a new one. He already has called from another number though and left a voicemail, "Good riddance, b*tch!" I'm not answering any calls with a number I don't reconize.
When I first read Dean's reply to my post, the picture of Forrest Gump, that said "Run". I thought it was cruel. It was good advice though. Right now, I do feel like I'm running for my life. I cannot believe I am living this nightmare. I want nothing more than to have peace in my life. I realize I'll never have any peace as long he's in it. I'm done trying. If he wants to call me a quitter, so be it. I may be a quitter but right now, the safety of my daughter and I is the only thing I can focus on..
I'm praying for you and your baby. Please don't think me cruel. I just have seen this played out too many times. Take whatever measures that you can to insure your safety. Ask the police about a restraining order. and perhaps a dog and a stun gun
