I'm struggling today alot more than normal. I'm not in the wanting to use mode. In March my house was raided, I was evicted from my home, I lost my job oh and I was out of money. That was truely my bottom! I know that I want to never go back to that place again. And I know that I won't as long as I have my HP in my life.
The reason I'm struggling today is because I'm diligently searching for a job. And though I haven't been convicted of a felony YET, I am having a hard time getting a job. Now if I was asked in 45 days if I had ever been convicted of a Felony, I would have to answer yes, but so far I'm only being charged at the present time. I'm healthy now. I have a clear mind. I am ready to work. But so far, no luck. I'm tired of borrowing money from my mother. That is what I did when I was using. And yes she has told me that she understands and she is willing to help me and I can pay her back when I get a job.
But like most addicts I want it NOW!!! I guess I'm just venting. And it did really help to write this out and see it and I am also looking for some words of wisdom from you all.
I have 102 days clean and sober. So I'm a pretty newbie. And I'm quite ok with that. I enjoy reading the responses here and I go to meeting daily in my area. And occasionally, I go to two-a-day. And I can tell today will be one of those times.
With this forum and my HP I never feel alone. There are so many of us addicts out there and we truely do need each other to stay clean! I am a Meth addict!
I don't really miss the drug. But there are other factors that I miss. Such as the pipe in my hand, blowing out a billow of smoke, just the feeling of knowing I had it in my pocket was a high for me.
Anyway, I'm glad to be clean and sober and glad to be here. Because I was planning on dying the day after my birthday. Here is a much better place to be than where I was planning on going.
I'm new in recovery, so i don't have anything wise or profound to tell you, but yeah sharing about our struggles helps and knowing others care, it was nice to see that it went from struggling to hopeful in your post.. from what i hear it only gets better, keep it up
I really appreciate the responses. It's really funny, well ok maybe not funny. But we as addicts have a sick sense of humor, right? As you mentioned either going kicking and screaming or going peacefully. I did the first option. I am also facing two assaults on two peace officers. Which I do know the outcome of that, 5 days in the county jail. Kicking and screaming was the old using me. I have many character defects and temper just happens to be one of them. HAHA. But at least I see some of my defects and I have people in the program that points out many more. Which I take as constructive criticism.
And as I have shared on many occasions at different meeting, I am trying to be patient really I am. But there are further steps that I will take to move myself along.
I hear ole timers say that they have gotten down on their knees to pray and as I sat there listening to them speak. I have thought to myself, I wonder if they actually get down on their knees, which would be very humbling. And the last time one shared that experience, as if he was reading my mind. He said, "Yes, I actually got down on my knees beside the bed and put my hands in the praying formation and prayed to God."
I know that my thinking didn't get me the answers I was needing. So I'm willing to go to any lengths to get the answers I'm needing now. And SURRENDING TO EVERYTHING is the only thing I can come up with. And that's my decision.
I'm feeling alot better today than I was yesterday. And I went to 3 meeting yesterday when the day was said and done. I'm a very open minded person. I always have been unless I was using. Then I was open minded to only certain things and those things centered around drugs and I might as well include SEX too. Being a meth addict sex kinda goes hand in hand with it. And if you don't think it does your sorely mistaken. But thats my experience.
Thanks for listening and thanks for caring enough to respond. You guys have truely made my day. :)
The vision of myself going to jail that day kicking and screaming is enough to keep my clean today! And I will continue to visualize that event when I need the reminder.
Congratulations on 102 days! Do you have a record other than this bust? I sold to an undercover going on 2 years ago and because i did not have any priors i was able to get a "discharge and dismissal" So basically i have been charged but not convicted; i have 15 years of probation but i should be off in 5 if everything goes as planned. Meth was my drug of choice too, i totally understand how you feel, i really miss rollin my bini, but i can't go back to that person i was. There are way to many downs than ups. Are you from a small town that everybody knows about your bust?
To answer your question. I have a paraphernalia charge in "92" six months after my husband was killed on a motorcycle. But I received a deferred sentence considering the circumstances in my life at the time. And to the second question, Yes I did live in a very small town where everyone knew of the charges instantly. But I did the geographic change one becuz I needed too. It was too toxic for me, I don't blame the town, mind you but everything else was for me. And two, becuz I hated living there. I was born there and only lived 9 months in another location all of my 44 years. I was planning on dying there also. So while I was in jail after assualting two police officers, my kids and my ex husband and my immediate family moved me into my exhusband's apartment.
In my own mind, I believe it was so he could watch me to ensure I wouldn't carry out my plans to kill myself. And I'm truely grateful to him for helping out. He stills loves me and I love him to death we just don't work well together. As he once told me it is very difficult to compete with a dead man.
And I don't blame him one bit. He helped me through the most difficult times of my life and I will be forever indebted to him. And he has always been my rock to break myself upon. And with this event in my life, it just goes to show he will be there for me always. And I'm thankful he hasn't turned his back on me. Though I have given him many a times to use against me. HaHa. He is a good man. Just don't let him know that! Haha.
hi im a recovering addict 9months clean it hasnt been easey I was also caught up in a house rade in the drug capital of the us Baltimore maryland It was my fist offence it got thrown out. My second arrest was for possesion and conspiracy to shoplift over :4500 which is a fellony even then i still got probation if youcan show the judge you suffer from addictiuon but are activly trying tp get better that goes a long way with them, They understand its a disease whats important is how you prosent how you are now, That doesnt mean your guaranteed to not be convicted but those are the things a judge and the prosecution wants to see that you are tryinh to change
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These things I have spoken unto you, that ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world. John16:33
