Well, 5-6 months ago I was a 16 year old kid going to parties hanging out with friends drinking the 5-8 bottles a beer and maybe a packing a bowl. Then I discovered what Hydromorphone/Oxycodone and Codeine can make you feel like. I still liked to smoke weed a bit too though. I was getting worse. One time in January I tried Oxycodone (2x5mgoxy/325mgacet tablets) and got a very nice buzz with a friend. Then I found out there was hydromorphone in the house and snorted 3mg of that with a friend (about a week or two later). It started out every week or two. Then once a week after a while it was anywhere between zero (yes there were some weeks where I wouldn't use) but I'd still blaze a bit and sometimes I'd do some Perks or Hydros (again anywhere from 0-4 times a week).
Currently I am on my fourth sober day (My last time getting high was Sunday) I have been clean Mon until now (and am currently sober with beet red eyes from crying so much).
I never considered the problem too big I figured it'd be a one man job (Which that is what it comes down to is willpower and strength) but when I saw my little sister (8 years old) sitting on the couch in tears in pain because she only had one 15mg dosage of Codeine cough syrup left I sat there feeling like the worse person on the face of the earth. This for me was rock bottom and anytime I think about her I break down into tears, because I love her and I know she loves me and looks up to me as her big brother. Right now is my third time today where my face is scrunched up, I am sobbing tears dripping down my face feeling pain because of what I did. I am a horrible person. Not only that I stole the Oxycodone/Hydromorphone from my mother who also was seriously injured and this situation has been discovered by my parents. I saw the family doctor today and am going to addiction services tomorrow to review a plan.
My mom is taking herself off of hydromorphone and will be going through withdrawls soon and I'll probably feel even worse then now when she does because she genuinely needs the medication for the severe pain she is in.
I know people have done worse things and compared to some my story was just there beginning but luckily my parents found out and helped me realize what I was doing otherwise I would be sitting here right now messed up on Tylenol 3/Hydro/Oxy or even just baked out of my mind. I am sitting here sober sniffling and each time I type or think about my mom's future withdrawls or sisters current pain I start to cry.
I don't know how I will ever find the strength to tell her that I took the medicine from her. And sitting here now looking back on that situation in my current mindset I would have never taken it. But that's the thing I didn't think about the future, about getting caught or abuot the pain anyone would go through.
I honestly don't know how to end this... Other than mercy please for the horrible deeds that I have done...
Day 1: First day surprisingly didn't get high (Although probably would have I had 150mg of Codeine [T3] sitting in my bag) my mom found a concerta in my pocket I got from a kid at school i was gonna try and she confronted me knowing that the missing medicines was all me.
Day 2: Still big urge to get high... Only remorse for all the bad I have done but still taking the situation lightly
Day 3: Hit Rock Bottom... haven't been high in 3 days still no urge to get high but (it is now day 4 technically since its 2AM so I have 22 hours left of strength before I can consider myself having finished day 4) I saw my sister today in pain almost crying and I broke down on the couch and started balling my eyes out and she didn't want to walk so I offered to carry her, still feeling horrible regardless of the 1 tiny iota of a good deed i did it still will never make up for what I did.
Day 4: No urges to get high sitting at Hour 2 of Day 4 still sobbing because of Day 3... Feeling Horrible...
The liquor cabinet has been locked all medicines remotely resembling any possibility of intoxication have been locked in a coded safe. My debit card has been taking away all my money is being monitored. No walking home or to work Cab rides or rides from trusted people only. All Aerosol cans have been thrown out (even white out).
My mom can't trust me anymore and I'm out to gain that back and not ruin it again.
This was a very long post but whatever anyone thinks of it, it feels good to get it out.
Wow. Thanks for sharing. And welcome to MIP (Miracles in Progress).
Congratulations on your four days clean. You're already a miracle in progress.
I can so relate to how you're feeling. I was very ashamed of some things I had done using. It was hard to explain - and to understand - that's not really who I am. Using makes me a completely different person who would steal from my own mom, which I did, too. When I'm not using, I would never do that! Crazy.
Have you considered going to an Narcotics Anonymous meeting? This board is great, but a meeting can also get you some in-person support from people who have been exactly where you are.
If you want, you can look for a meeting close to at this website: http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/
Please keep sharing. It helps to get it out and to know that you have support.
yea bud,,, keep sharing !! Ive found here that pain shared is pain lessened and joy shared is joy multiplied !! Congrats on clean 4 days now,, but do remember this is a just for today Program,,where we recovering addicts keep foucs on this 24 hours and live life on a daily basis !! It works buddy,, you are the proof,,I am a proof too,, and we are proof enough that no addict need ever die without having a chance to recover !! I know that just for today I never have to use again,,, no matter what !! Keep Coming back,,Id love to hear more from you and also as is the Tradition here,, hugs accross cyberspace and take care,, just for today !! Raman an addict !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
hey sam, you show remarkable growth for a kid your age, your heads in a good place , and you seem to have caught on early whats it takes some of us much longer to get , i admire that. no shame there buddy. best of luck to you.take your assesment seriously and do what they tell you..oh yeah , one more thing .KEEP COMING BACK ..thanks for sharing anthony
-- Edited by mrwinkie at 08:24, 2008-06-26
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" If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . "
Thanks for the support guys I should be at the online meeting tonight and Sunday as well (Fri/Sat I work nights) and I'm planning on getting to a local NA meeting soon as well. In about one hour im going to the addiction services to take that assessment...
wow, that took me back to when i first started out, i know the shame of stealing pills from family members and friends, it's good that you are working to get control of this now, i wish i had.. pills sent me to heroin.. and heroin sent me to hell, hang in there, time heals all.. don't focus on all the negative stuff, just work on staying clean and sober and there will be time to sort through the rest later.. i'll pray for you, happy you're here
anthony
