Just for today talks about self deception and rationalization. Wow. It seems that i am better at fooling myself that I am at fooling anyone else. I have been working on a reduction plan (or at least I thought that I was) for about 3 weeks now. I am trying to taper off the drug that has been in my system for more years that it wasn't. It was working well at the begining, I have been keeping a journal to track my progress.... I looked today and realized that I have not tracked anything in over a week! I was kind of shocked If you asked me yesterday, I would have told you that things were going really well and I would have truly believed that. I had a tooth pulled last Monday. I had given myself permission to use and felt that I had good reason. My mouth hurt. I did not look at the part that I had used a script that was enough for 5 days in less than 1. So I start again. I am not going to give myself unlimited chances. I have till the end of June to show that I really am making progress. If I am not I am going to detox. Just for today I am going to be completely honest with myself.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Yeah I just read the JFT honesty comes slow to some of us it has to me, one of my Aunts who knew me well as mnothing more then a loser junky told me once that everything that came out of my mouth was a lie, I went home and cried she was right.
I still struggle with simple honesty guess i'm a BS artist and the big lie is that I tell myself i cant be honest, I can if I want to bad enough it just that fantasy is much more interesting LOL
last relapse was all about self deception to myself took me a bit to see it but admitting my life was unmaneagable and admitting I couldn;t accept the things I could not change was tough it cost me 5 years clean time but something good comes from everything just have to look.
I know your serious about this kitzzy we all find excuses there aren't any really good ones considering our condition there aren't any good reasons to use considering our condition, always consider the condition we're in that may change how you think about using.
thanks that is so true. i am coming to realize that i was lying to myself all the way along. i went to the addiction councilor becauxe i knew that i had a problem. i took the reduction option because that sneaky voice in my head knew that it would not work. im an addict. tapering myself off is the same as trying myself that i am going to use when i really need it. i am going to use brcause i cant stop using. realistically, i think that i am going to check myself into detox. i am here because i can't do it right by myself and at this time, there is no way that i can have my best interests in mind when i am fighting something that is much more powerful than i am.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Smart gal Kitzzy, you'll go a Long Long ways clean I can tell.
Recgnizing the CON ( addiction ) and getting past it, knowing your limitations and having true honesty to self, To thyn own self be true takes awhile to get for some of us we lived so long under the blanket of lies, I know, I had such a hard time just simply being honest with others, then I had to start working on me second.
I am here for the same reason I need support and guideance, I need to know others are going threw stuff just like me and staying clean I dont need to be alone which I often am I isolate and love my solitude because its a lot less stressful for me just to deal with ME. Lately I feel like MOST of my real life new friends are for whatever reason abandoning me, guys i've met while i've taken up this new hobbie of gold prospecting everyone is acting WEIRD lol but I have to realize gold prospectors are sorta a strange crowd, very secretive and selective and its probably something I'm doing isolating myself from them, thats the honesty.
So you hang in there and do whatevers necesary to get and stay clean I'm glad your posting and sharing thats very important with us keep no secrets,secrets keep us sick......
Thanks for sharing, now i am picturing some guy all covered in dust wandering through a desert somewhere with a canteen on his back
LOL
I can really relate to the "perception" that everyone around is acting strange. I have a very bad habbit of isolating. I always used to blame them. I rationalized it as they were not really worth being around anyway. I am in active recovery from co dependancy. I have been relationship free for about six months. the farther away I am from it the more I can see. I realized that I had sent everyone away. I still do if I can get away with it. Thankfully, I have one friend who is in active recovery from addiction and codependancy, so she won't let me do it.....We live across the hall from each other and I STILL try to make myself scarce from her. She picks up on it though and after a few days of being off of the radar she always pushes herself back in. Always with an "I" statement. LOL I tend to be a quiet person anyways but that feeling of being alone no matter how full the room is really drves me at times. As they say you create what you believe. Well since I have learned to kick my addiction to relationships ( I have not been single in 17 years and I have been in 5 relationships in that time) I am feeling pretty good about the drug side of my problem.
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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
