Hi my name is Kathleen. I am writing to you because I have lived in your shoes. I cannot offer you advise because I know when I lived in the middle of hell I was the only person who could get me out of it.
The father of my youngest daughter is an addict. We were together for 6 years. I endured physical and emotional abuse at the whim of his mood swings and believed for a lot of the time that I was with him that I could do domething to make everything better.
I believe that my ex is also suffering with mental illness. After a really bad fight he would be sorry and offer to go and see a docctor to get help only to be back to his old self in less than weeks.
The first time that he harmed me physically, I called the police who came. He was waiting outside very camly and explained to the cops what he had done to me and why. I was afraid to press charges and the cops suggested that he go for a walk and cool off. He came back hours later and kicked the crap out of me and told me that he had gone downtown and paid a crack head $50 to kill me. Unfortunately, in my city that is a real threat. It kept me from calling the police again for over three years.
When he would go into his marathon rages I would call his brother who would come and get him and take him away for the night.
I really thought that it was his mental unbalances combined with his using that caused him to behave the way that he did. It did not matter ot him where we were, at hime, at friends, or in public, if he was mad then he would make me pay.
After awhile I really felt stupid. I was in a trap and to proud to look for any help. If i had seen someone like me 10 years ago I would have thought that she deserved everything that she got if she was stupid enough to stay.
I don't think like that now. I know different.
Finally in december, he went off for the last time. it was building up for awhile and there had not been 1 day in over three months that he had said even good morning to me. every day was full of threats of harm or death and the emotional abuse was making me crazy. I was starting to believe that it was going to be him or me. I was either going to kill him or I was going to kill myself but i was not going to let him have the satisfaction of doing it.
by this time he had stopped using drugs. he quit last june. It actually made him worse. he was never happy and always angry which meant that Ia;ways had something to pay for.
So in december, at around midnight, he snapped. he thought that i was messaging guys from my cell phone. i wasn't. that didn't matter the only things that were real is what he believed.
he strangled me to the point of black out and threw me across the room like a rag doll. i managed to get to my daughter's bedroom to call the police. i had done this enough.
my ex took off and the police came. i told them what happened and a bit of our history and they convinced me that it was not safe to stay in my house. the escorted me to a womens emergency shelter and issued qa warrent for my ex's arrest.
i had never been to a shelter before and did not know what to expect. they were very nice and knew a lot about domestic violence.
They did a danger assessment on me, and high was 18, i scored a 28. they told me that if i went back that it was almosst garunteed that he would assult me again and that it was very likly that he would kill me.
i opted to apply for a spot in a domestic violence program that offers safe housing and councilling for a year.
This is where I learned about boundries. the line where i end and he begins. I also learned about responsiblity. who is responsible for what.
We all have our parts to play in a relationship but it seems that the person being abused takes on or accepts most of the blame for what has gone on.
It has been six months now. a hard thing for me to let go of. i have learned that I CANNOT FIX HIM and that the only person that can take responsibility for his actions is him. he has gone downhill since all of this and he is using more drugs that before and seems to be sliding downhill first.
The worst thing that i am dealing with now is that my daughter either witnessed or heard almost all of the abuse. although she is smart and resillient, these are things that will stay with her forever. I put myself in her shoes now and imagine what it was like to be so small and powerless to stand by and watch her mother getting hurt. it is hard to live with and a big focus of my councilling right now.
I my self am an addict on the road to recovery and have been reading a lot of literature on recover.
One thing I learned about my ex though is when he was in active addiction, he was not capable of loving anyone. the only thing that mattered to him were his drugs. there is no way that i could ever change that but if he is ever going to change he is going to have to hit bottom and have nothing left. Change is hard and the only person that you can really do it for is yourself.
The only thing that I would suggest is getting in touch with a womens center and look into domestic violence councilling for you and your daughter. you have both been through a lot and need to be near people who have been there.
Here is your consolation,
it is not your fault that he continues to binge. it is NOT your fault that he cannot control his anger. It will probably be shitty when he realizes you are filing for divorce.
First they are really sorry and then if that does not work they get very angry. I am scared for you and feel that it is important that you contact a shelter. He has already shown how sneaky he can be when he got you to open the door so he could break your eye socket.
There is real danger there and you need to get help building a saftey plan. for you and your daughter.
my email is kathleen_israel@hotmail.com if you want to chat a little more.
I have been where you are and will pray for you.

Hi Jaysbaby,

I breaks my heart to hear stuff like this, but after being in recovery 21 years,  yours is text book story.  I've also sat in Aca meetings and heard women talking about watching their father shoot their mother (at age 6,8,10).  Of course he is making you the focus of his problems.  That's why most addicts will NOT get clean while they are in a relationship, and of those that are clean for a while and relapse, relationships are usally the cause.  If he has a 1 in 20 chance of getting clean on his own, the odds are probably 10 times as great for getting clean in a relationship.  It's too easy for him to say,  "I ok because I've got her...".  So I think that you've done the right thing by moving on.  Now somehow I hope that you'll send some kind of strong message to him that his well being and freedom will be in jepordy, if he comes near you and your daughter.   If it were me, I'd get a dog and shot gun.

take care of yourself,

Dean

hi jay , im anthony and im a drug addict..first off your h isnt lying to you.i can relate to being high and swearing its the last time..these honest open appraisals of my drug use were all to common but only while i was high. it went something like this. it was very easy..i would be hours clean , slightly drug sick,and looking to score.at this point i was short tempered. impatiant.moody and in a rush to get my fix. never once during this time did i think , i have people that depend on me , i need to be clean.i need to do the right thing..BUT as soon as i got high my first though was , i need to quit using.im not doing the things i need to..thats where im coming from when i say he isnt lying.your h without me judging him is an addict like me. for better or worse.as you know its usually worse..as an addict i look for people that will help me use. i look for friends that use with me.jobs that can work around my addiction.and wifes that will take care of my personal life bs.like earning the money and paying the bills..sound familier ? there is no excuse for your Hs behavior.as an addict i have to accept resposibility for the turmoil i create..you might want to check into ALanon or Narconon. to learn more about your own sickness..you have that baby to protect and that starts with you. your h should be on his own.he has to make his own decisions.take care of his own recovery.and fix the hurricaine he created.through recovery maybe you two can patch it up and start anew. but you can NEVER fix him..the good news is you have a chance to fix you. thanks for sharing with us so openly..best of luck to you . anthonyg