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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> i am an addict
Post Info TOPIC: i am an addict
kitizzy


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Date:
i am an addict
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My name is Kathleen and I am an addict. This is the first time, ever, that I have said that.
I am addicted to perscription pain killers and have been for over 19 years. I'm 34. Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you look at it, I have been a very high functioning addict. I have never lost a job, or been to jail, and I always make sure to surround myself with people who have "more problems" than me.
I had to flee domestic violence in December, and I left my life with my daughter and the clothes on my back. My ex is an addict and I spent our entire relationship thinking about HIS addiction and how i was going to get HIS drugs and how much drugs HE had left that it was very easy to not even think of my painkillers. after all. i'm in pain. i take them because i hurt. i moved in to a domestic violence shelter that is full of addicts. i felt sorry for them. it must be hard to have such a fucked up life. be addicted to crack. being a prostitute. glad that i am not like that. i thought.
i became friends with a girl who is in active recovery. she invited me to go to a NA conference in May. i dont get out much. im in hiding and have a young daughter. a night out would be great and then i can be a good friend and support my friend while she shares in the rooms.
i went and listened to stories. thought about how it sucks to be them. sat through the count down and watched everybody as they stood up when it got to their time clean. i saw something in all of them that isnt in me. they all looked alive and happy.
although i breathe, i am not alive. and happiness is a myth.
the main speaker came out. she started using when she was in her teens. she became clean in her teens and had been for over 17 years.
when the band started playing. i started to think about my teens. the doctor had given me tylenol #3s because i had been in a car accident and had severe whiplash. i was fourteen. it was not very long before i realized that if i took a whole bunch of them things at once, a whole day could go by and i could just float through it. i was going through sometmes 200 a week. the doctor had been kind enough to perscribe 100 at a time, and i was an irresponsible teenager. i was always "loosing my meds" so it was not hard to get more.
after a nasty overdose where i almost died. it was on pourpose, i stopped taking the pills and moved on to drinking. i drank a lot.
when i was 21 i had a baby that died. i started using the pain killers again, and i just never stopped.
over the past few years i must have noticed that my using might be a problem because i started hiding it.
at that conference, the reality of my addiction slapped me in the face.
i have thought about stopping over the years, as soon as i have the thought i seem to use more.
i bought a copy of the introductory guide to NA while i was there and when i went home and read the first page and answered the wuestions i truly realized who much of a problem i have.
I knew that i would not be able to stop on my own as in the past it is a fight that i have had with myself that i have always lost.
i went to our government run addicion councilling office and my councillor agreed with me that i do have a problem.
we have decided on a slow reduction plan. i have been working on it for about a week.i am taking 1 less pill every day.
now i am grieving. i am loosing the one constant thing that is always there for me. i have worked very hard to feel nothing for a very long time. i am terrified because there is already physical pain and emotional pain. i am no where near half-way to stopping yet.
i want so badly to go to meetings. i am not able to at this time because of my lack of childcare. my daughter is only 4 and would be very disruptive if i took her with me to a meeting.
then i found this site and so i am here



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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
mrwinkie


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wow , great share kathleen , thanks much for sharing it with us. Welcome home, im glad you made it. keep coming back.im looking forward to your posts . anthonyg greatful addict. sun.gif

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" If  you have  built  castles  in  the  air , your  work  need  not  be  lost ; that  is  where  they  should  be . Now put  the  foundations  under  them . "

         Henry David  Thoreau
creason63


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Hi Kathleen.  I'm an addict named Theresa and I'm so glad you're here!  I have been to meetings where there are some really disruptive children, but for me, I'd rather put up with some disruption and know that another addict is getting the help he or she needs!  You can always take her out if she gets too bad.  I'm a member also of a really awesome online womens group.  All of the ladies have alot to offer.  Feel free to join us.  It's at NAsistersinrecovery2@yahoogroups.com We'll all welcome you.  Hang in there and thanks for sharing!!   Theresa

-- Edited by creason63 at 09:58, 2008-06-19

-- Edited by creason63 at 11:19, 2008-06-19

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Theresa Creason
wantneeda


Senior Member

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Posts: 258
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A great big MIP welcome Kathleen!!
so glad you found your way here.
My name is Wendy, a grateful addict in recovery

Please keep coming back, life gets better,

hugs

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kitizzy


Senior Member

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Posts: 131
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Thank you everyone. It has been a difficult week for me. to see addiction...the voice that lives n my head....for the liar that it is. so, i am here to find new voices.

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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
creason63


Member

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Posts: 12
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You have definetly found some new voices here! I know how hard the first week can be!  Keep posting.  Keep hanging in there, and do your best to get to a meeting.  I know for me, the friendhip and welcome in those rooms made all the difference to me.  Plus, the NA basic text really helps later on too.  Keep sharing Kathleen!!  Theresa

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Theresa Creason
BigV


Senior Member

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Posts: 3718
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Hi WELCOME kathleen glad to have you among us.

Addiction is a con game its going to play every trick it can on your mind, work the principles, honesty open minded and willing, stay close to the program start reading and working on the steps and applying them.

Keep that book open its life saving, all that pain will eventually pass but you have to stay vigilant and tenacious about staying clean, every day just stay clean it will get better but you have to put some time in and hard work, just stay willing and when your not grab ahold of the program and a higher power try to believe that there is a power greater then your addiction if there wasn't I would NOT be clean today, thats my word.

-- Edited by BigV at 02:10, 2008-06-20

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It's all about spirituality...
kitizzy


Senior Member

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Posts: 131
Date:
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Thanks BigV,

I truly agree with you that it is only through my higher power that I am here today. Nothing happens by accident and everyone we meet touches our lives...or in my case saves them.
I read from the basic text every day and I have a couple other twelve step books that I am working on too....Plus there is the web. I am hoping to be able to go to my first real meeting on Sunday.
I have been reading the message boards and have learned so much. I see myself in posts and even the post about the struggles reminds that I am not alone. Then of course I read posts from people that have been working recovery for a LONG time (some not so long) and I see peace and happiness that I will see in my life someday.

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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
Blithe Spirit


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Posts: 391
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Hi Kathleen and welcome to MIP! It's great to have you here and to see your honesty. I encourage you to take your daughter to a meeting here and there to see how it goes. Maybe you can take some little activities for her to do there. She'll learn with practice the appropriate way to behave in a meeting.

I'm all in favor of children in meetings. Many of us are single moms when we come into recovery and what else will we do if we don't take the kids with us? I got clean with two young sons and took the with me. Sometimes I didn't (couldn't) stay for the whole meeting and sometimes I did. I'm really glad I went, though.

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Character is what we do when no one is looking.
kitizzy


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 131
Date:
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Thank you Blithe Spirit I do plan to take her eventually. I want to get a couple under my belt and make sure that I feel comfortable there before i start taking her with me. So yes there is some procrastination there. I am going to a meeting tomorrow afternoon for the first time. i had wanted to be clean first but I have a feeling that for myself if I wait to be clean I will never get there. I want something different than what I have in my life right now and I am willing to take the steps needed to get there.


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Yes, I bought a ticket on the crazy train.....Good thing it was a return ticket.
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