I have only 29 days clean after completing the year from H#$l.
My 16 y/o daughter died March 3, 2007. Her name was Amber. She was my best friend. I loved her dearly.
The day Amber passed, I had been taking pain medication. After almost three years clean, I allowed myself to be given vicodin for fibromyalgia and ostheoarthritis pain. I had been taking Advil. However, because I had gastric bypass surgery, the doctor felt we needed to look at if the benefits outweigh the problems associated with taking ibuprofen (ulcer, etc.) In fact, I did develop an ulcer as a result of using these meds.
Having been "chemically dependent" previously, I was afraid of losing control again. The last time, I found myself on three different opiates at once including the Phentyl patch, soma, and Klonipan. I no longer could urinate on my own; and even I wonder how I functioned. Toward the end, I nearly died. Trying to quit on my own, I threw myself into acute opiate withdrawal syndrome. However, I didn't consider myself to be an addict.
At the time of my daughter's death, I had been taking the drugs for almost 6 months. I have a difficult time not blaming myself for her demise. I took a dose of Vicodin before we left the house; and all I was concerned about was my inability to drive. I asked my husband to drive. While he told me that he didn't feel safe behind the wheel himself, I insisted. I pulled are second car out of the driveway and my husband was to follow in our Dakota. However, he backed into me. I should have known then that we were heading for trouble; but I was so out of it, I didn't notice.
We were just outside of Baker, California, heading toward Las Vegas when a guy jumped in front of us. Just prior to this, I popped another pill. It had been less than 4 hours. This guy proceeded to play a game of cat and mouse with my husband. My husband, who has his own problems, engaged. He was yelling at us all as we tried to get him to stop. The next thing I knew was we were going off the road. Both vehicles rode side by side for awhile. I swear the other guy was trying to run us completely off the road. He succeeded... my husband lost control; and we rolled. I recall only rolling three times but was told we rolled 7. My daughter had removed her seatbelt somewhere along the way and was thrown from the vehicle, out the rear window.
When we finally landed, all I could think about was the laptop I had been working on. It belonged to my company; and I had no way to pay for it if broken. My husband yelled at me for my lack of concern for my children. I climbed over the seat to find my daughter gone. I crawled out of the back door to find my daughter lying on the ground in front of the truck. She was unconscious and bleeding from her mouth. I tried to get to her; but I stumbled and caught by witnesses of the accident. They carried me back to the truck where they had me lay down on my back.
I remember as they carried me to the helicopter, saying to the paramedics how lucky I had been for being on pain pills. I then remember screaming in agony after being informed of my daughter's death.
I was in so much pain after this event that my doctor increased my dosage of Hydrocodone and putting me on Norco. I developed a headache that never went away. It wasn't until I had 5 days clean that I was alleviated from this pain. I have been headache free eversince.
Last summer I had been approached by the management of my company regarding my drug use. They were concerned about my declining work quality. I had begun to "crash" when I came home from work. All I could think of was the pain and how I could get rid of it. All I was truly concerned about was where my next prescription was going to come from. I found myself in a psych unit, overwhelmed and in pain. A couple of months later, I lost my job. My life had truly become unmanagible.
Now, I really do believe I am an addict. I am working an honest program today; although I have yet to find a sponsor. I'll celebrate 30 days tomorrow and attend meetings daily. However, I can't help but wonder if my daughter would still be alive if I had not used that day and chose instead to drive.
I know I shouldn't be thinking about this yet; but how does one make amends to someone who is dead?
Lisa
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"The past is history... the future, a mystery... today is a gift... that is why they call it the present."
Welcome to MIP Lisa, many hugs to you, i am so happy you found your way here and a huge congrats on 30 days clean!!!
I am so sorry to hear about you Amber, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
When i was looking for a sponsor i was told to pray for the ability to recognize her . Listen. She will come.
i have had a couple runs at recovery, today i know in hindsight that when i live in my guilt and shame i use. I CANNOT CHANGE ONE SINGLE THING THAT I OR ANYONE ELSE HAS DONE. I can change my attitude today. Narcotics Anonymous is a one day at a time program. When i have one foot in the past, one in the future, i piss on today. I pissed many days away believe me. And the best part of NA is that i learned i don't have to do it alone, in fact i can't do it alone.
When i was in treatment i remember asking a staff member HOW i do something.. her reply was.. Honest Openminded Willing
to which i replied with a sigh.. :) no way around it for me today, can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it... gotta go through it.
i also believe that everything happens for a reason, that my life path was written for me. My soul has lessons to learn in this life, as does everyone elses.
i believe that the minute i chose recovery, that was the beginning of my amends. A-Mend, i choose to mend my life, my thinking, my health, firstly by staying clean and sober. my amends begins with me, period. Everything else in my life benefits, its a rollercoaster effect.
May i ask if you have thought about grief councilling?? Forgiveness is a process, and the how of it applys, honesty, openmindedness and willingness are keys.
Please Lisa, keep coming back, you are very important and worth it!!
My prayers are with you and your family. God's will is sometimes very hard to understand and accept.
I have a situation where I also have to make an amends to a family member who has passed on. I am no where close to that step (thankfully, because I am not ready), but this topic came up in a meeting the other night. Some of the comments helped me immensely, maybe some of my fellow addicts' experience, strength, and hope can help you.
Since making an amends is not just saying your sorry, but changing the attitudes and thoughts that prompted the behavior in the first place, it is difficult to show someone who has passed on how you have changed. While I personally believe that they watch over us, I know that I need to feel that I am doing something to make up for the pain I caused. In this meeting, the basic message that I heard was that we have to work the program to the best of our ability - honesty, openminded, and willing. That the program - staying clean, going to meetings, talking to our sponsor and support group and working the steps- will restore us to sanity and therefore, enable us to change our attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors that led us to the cause the pain in the first place. Healing ourselves means healing our relationships with others, even those who have passed.
This is what I heard that night and it helped me a lot. It gave me hope that I can make amends to those who are gone in some way. In my heart, I believe that they would want this for me and that this is the way to heal the pain in their hearts as well as mine.
Be strong and stay clean. You will be in my prayers.
Thank you all for your wise comments. I am just beginning my first step (honestly) for the first time in my life. I have gone through the 1-2-3 shuffle numerous times in numerous programs, ie. NA, Alanon, OA, Emotions Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, etc.
However, I've always used the 'self-help' approach. This time, I am using a different approach. I need the fellowship of NA and my sisters in recovery to help me through.
Wantneeda, I am currently in a grief group. I'm still in outpatient; and this is a part of the treatment plan, in addition to my 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm kept quite busy.
I seem to be reminded at every meeting about my need for a sponsor. I thought I found her; but I haven't seen her since.
Lisa
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"The past is history... the future, a mystery... today is a gift... that is why they call it the present."
