I've never done any thing like this, I'm not a go getter type of person, but the feeling for getting high is so much stronger today than most days. I've been clean for a year now, I had a pretty bad addiction to pills, heroin and I've been working hard not to relapse, hell, I even moved three thousand miles across the country to get myself out of those situations and the area where drugs knew how to find me.
But here I am on a Friday night, miserable and wanting nothing more than to have a shot, smoke something, sniff something, or just ingest something. I don't want to do it believe me I really don't, but I just wanted to be medicated. My wife, and brother in laws don't understand, they can't understand addiction and how after a year clean I can still feel the urge to go do this shit again, after all the sickness I went through with it, how after numerous times I ended up dying and defeating science somehow by coming back to life.
You know I used to laugh at people who said "if you do it once you'll get addicted" I thought it was bullshit, that it wasn't the case and they were talking out of their ass, but now I see the truth, I see that it can happen so easily. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, that I don't desire it. I know what it did to me, it damaged my body, and my teeth, my mind and my soul, it took my soul. But still for some reason I want to go back.
I'm sorry for rambling you guys I know I'm knew I just don't know where else to turn, I feel kind of pathetic for airing this out on an internet forum I found off of Google, but I just don't know where else to turn. What do you guys/girls do when the cravings hit you?
Call a member.. call your sponser.. (get a sponsor) Read or come right here right now.. and ditto V.. we are here so not pathetic.. .. In recovery .. !
I have had serious cravings of late myself. I am grateful to know a particular wonderful addict who had some advice that helped me significantly:
If you think about using, then think about something else. It is just a thought, we can't control our thoughts. But, we don't have to act on them.
I have found that I need to absorb myself into something else to think about - listening to music and getting lost in the lyrics and/or beat; reading; figuring out and planning home improvements, etc. Sometimes, I will just sit outside and enjoy all of the sights and sounds that I missed when I was using. I am finding that gratitude is one of the best weapons I have against those thoughts.
Fight with everything in you because it could be your last! Tie a knot at the end of that rope and hang on. I am told it does get better....it is for me - just for today.
Welcome to MIP. I've also had times of powerful cravings. I'm happy to tell you that I've not used over them and that you don't have to either.
Here's what's worked for me: Step 1: Be Powerless Step 2: Let a power greater than me restore me to sanity.
How does that work?
Step 1: I accept that I have no control over my thoughts, my feelings, my disease of addiction. They're all there whether I like it or not. However, (and it's a big however), I have a choice about my actions. When my uncontrollable thoughts may lead me to harm myself, I chose to act in ways that keep me safe: I go to meetings and spend time with the winners in recovery, I call my sponsor and talk about what I'm thinking/feeling, I do NOT spend time with my old people, places, or things, I read NA literature, etc.
Step 2: I allow something greater than me into my life. For me, this power is NA - the people and the program (meetings, literature, service). Once I allow this power into my life, I open my mind and listen for direction, solution, how to find a new way to live.
You guys are right, its just sometimes its hard to remember all of these things, I've researched a meeting here where I live and will be going to it this Tuesday night, my very first one. It took a year, and so many close brushes with relapse, that I'm terrified I will cave into my demons, so I decided to give it a shot. Thanks to every one who replied it really is helpful, just knowing that I'm not alone.
You are NOT alone, and recovery is possible. If you want to stop using drugs then that's a HUGE beginning.
I try to share at most every meeting i attend. It really helps me get through issues in my life, and has a way of helping me take the focus off of myself!
