It has been suggested that I start a thread and introduce myself. My name is Dawn and I am aan addict. I am 36 years old and live in the New Haven, CT region of Narcotics Anonymous. I have 12+ years clean. I am married to Ed who has almost 12 years. We have 3 children Brenden (previous marriage, 15 years old), Amber 4 years old and Cailey who just turned 3. I am very busy and I do lots of thing for the community and for recovery except for one important factor. I do not attend meetings on a regular baisis and will go months without one.
A series of unfortunate events and life on life term happenings have put us in a bad position and struggling financially and emotionally. Up until a few days ago I was handling it well. Then the other other night out of the blue I wanted to go to a bar and drink.
I am a recovering herion addict, well garbage can addict really, and I have been rationalizing the disease and going to feel numb just once by a drink a little too much lately. The stinking thinking is bad and I know it. I am acting out on character defects and I simply need a break. I dont want to be responsisble anymore. I dont want to be nice and take care of the world anymore. I need to let loose. After all I am an addict its in my nature to be wild not be Martha Steward, Suzy Homemaker, dance mom, moms club member, karate toter, teen taxi, PTA mom, charity organizer, event leader, and a Sunday School Teacher to boot!
Part of me knows I am in danger and has been doing the so called "right thing" the other part of me is saying "who cares about one" it will be fun, go do it, its exciting riding the edge of disaster after all these years.
So why havent I? it simple, NA taught me it will pass and not to be compulsive, pick up the phone and share. I also I dont want my two little ones to suffer the way my oldest did from my disease. I dont want to chance that again. However, I feel I can handle it too and it wont get that bad, it cant, I am responsible now remember!
After all many people I have known over the years will significant time have relapsed and well most dont make it back, but that doesnt mean I wont right? I think I am different and cured to some degree I guess but never thought it outloud.
I just know I do not like my life right now, now matter how hard I try to do the right thing ba dthigns happen over and over. I dont like how I feel and I dont like that I went from being a patient loving attentive motherr to being an impatient, intolerant, screeming and mean mom and wife.
Anyone experience this with significant time. I might add that at 23 I had 4 years clean, my son was 2 and I went through the same stinking thinking. Relapsed and ended up fullfilling many yets in a short time one of which an IV herion addict. I lost my son for a very short time, and it still affects him today.
I've got a few days and am working my 5th step, so I can't say I've got a lot of experience. In our meetings we read "Why are we here?", which says something like we will ALWAYS be addicts, but we do recover.
If you do go "have one", will you feel better in the morning, or worse? I felt that after 38 years of using, and then stopping, that I was never really getting relief out of drugs. Whenever I hear eric clapton's cocaine, I sing she done lied she done lied...... cocaine ( ie or any substance)
I have 23 years clean and live in Massachusetts. We're neighbors. I can totally and completely relate to what your post.
Although much of my recovery life has been beyond my wildest dreams and I've had some amazing experiences, I've also had some very dark times. Most recently was about two years when my best idea was to hang myself. I couldn't imagine I was ever going to get out of that funk.
I didn't want to go to meetings. I couldn't find work. I hated where I was living. Money was tight. I was crying every day. I would even wake up in the middle of the night crying - bawling, sobbing. I started to think that recovery wasn't working for me. I mean, I had 21 years and wanted to die.
I was without a sponsor at that time, but somehow I read the new book on Sponsorship and felt that was my solution. I called an old friend and asked him to help me find a sponsor. Well, it didn't take me long to realize that I should be asking him to sponsor me. (Yes, I am female, and yes, I have a male sponsor.)
I would cry on the phone to him about my misery. (We were in different states although I had known him throughout my entire recovery.) He would tell me to go to a meeting and talk to a newcomer. I would cry and he would tell me to go to a meeting and be of service. I would cry and he would tell me to read some literature.
I followed all his suggestions and although they didn't make me feel better instantly, they kept me connected to recovery until I came out of the darkness. Primarily, I made some changes in my life that helped. Before I knew what to change, though, I needed to know what was upsetting me, so I needed to do some inventory work and get real honest about some stuff.
Perhaps you might consider returning to meetings and getting reconnected. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have any willingness to try something different? Have you done any step work?
Thank you for the reply. Yes I would definitly feel worse in the morning, which will give me incentive to drink again or worse. I keep telling ymself that those few moments tnat I am drinking it I will feel a temporary relieve that will be well worth it. What a lie!
Blithe, Thank you for sharing your reply. I do have a sponser that lakc s ina program herself and is going through many of the same thigs I am with anexception of wanting to use. I put down my step work about 3 months ago as I am busy with my Masters Degree program and kids. I stopped working the steps god knows how long ago I was taking a daily inventory and praying twice aday until about a month ago. I did go to a physical meeting tongiht. Cant say I feel much better though. I guess it will pass soon enough I hope.
i can relate! been in the program for 21 years, did have a brief (one day) relapse 5 years ago, life threw a ton of crap my way and have been suffering big time, disease type thinking back with a vengance. had a talk with my 14 year old son telling him i needed to go back to meetings like i did before i had him, at this point lost faith that this would even help. been 3 weeks of going and feel more lost and scared than when i first came in. took awhile to get this crazy so it will take time to get better, i have willingness and i guess thats all i need right now, please dont give up!
So glad to see you Dawn and the rest of you for sharing your ESH just hang in there everyone this too shall pass.
One thing I didn't do before my last relapse, and I swear by this my high power told me to get my Butt to NA I had been doing AA and some church counseling and groups but refused to come to NA all the other things i was doing wasn't getting it or RATHER i wasn't getting it.
After relapsing I listened and came immediately to NA and began readiing the literature and coming to this board, its now 21 months later I really relate to the NA's comprehensive program and the literature for some reason just slams me every time I read it, it speaks to me so to speak :).
I always say start back at step one when trouble starts and work my way forward threw the steps soon enough I will identify whats going on inside of me.
Glad to see old timers here and still humble, this is really GREAT!!!
Thank you for sharing, Dawn. Welcome to Miracles In Progress family. Keep coming back, we need you.
While reading your share, I was relating to a part of it and yes, I agree, I don't have to be anything else in my recovery than just be "me", do exactly what I really want to do in my recovery.
That's where the program helps me. First, in letting me know who is the "real me" and then what is it that I "really want to do", not what I thought I am and what I wanted to do all these years since my childhood before I worked the program of NA.
My desires are often I found sprang from my addictive self when I put them under the scanner of the steps, and doing so leads me to unearth what I desire truly in the deepest recesses of my heart's purity beneath these superficial desires that I attribute to be 'mine'.
What a blessing it is to be empowered with this power of discrimination with the help of the steps, I'm grateful for this blessing of the program that rewards me with the wisdom to know the difference when I seek it
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
the discernment comes from knowing that the false character is pushy,aggressive,loud and controlling. Also dishonest. When Im serene,wise and loving Im operating fro the True Self. Each time Im resentful,angry and fear filled,, training with my sponsor of that that time gets me to practice some certain acts that will restore me to the True self and recovery. Gosh have I had a hard time in recovery= 21 years ago there was no NA .I went to AA and suffered there. I had a bad marriage in recovery. I never felf comfortable with the pushy,aggressive,gambling and whoring types that abounded in early NA here. So I was still a loner staying clean in isolation. Very difficult family situation. My pa suddenly gets sick and dies. My ambitions in music that almost came true,, had to be toned down cause of family commitments. Gall bladder surgery and removal,, which makes me very susceptible to fatty stuff,sweets and has me in difficulty each day cause i usually have to eat outside. But I want to state here that I have a lot of gratitude for what ive got in recovery because of recovery the NA Way ... Each time I begin to complain about the bad day,bad deal,bad people,bad situation etc,, I usually replace that with the thought "So what if it is a bad time now ?This too shall pass and out of 365 days a year God certainly has given me 95% good times,, so thanks."
This affirmation came when i read a beautiful story= Three sanyasis,, asetics who undertake a life of poverty go out for their daily begging for fodd and on this particular day they get none. This goes on for three days. Each day however the three of em give thanks and move on. On the third they however run into more difficulty,,they are denied a place to sleep in the village they are in. That nite as they sit to give thanks the two younger ones refuse to take part and say "oh no,, we arent praying to any God that keeps us hungry,abused and shelterless for three days now." To which the older asetic says "oh come on now,,of the 300 days in this year till now we hev had difficulty for only 3 days and nites. How about the rest of the 297 days and nites,, Im certainly going to thank God for that !!" The proverb in Tamil( the oldest spoken Indian language) says "he/she who is in joy because they had something to be thankful and happy for,,,luck will follow them everywhere !!"
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I must remain humble in times of trouble else I become errogant and thats the work of the devil in me, humility is spiritual and good , much less troublesome :)
Onward On The Journey "The progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey" Basic Text, page 79
The longer we stay clean, the steeper and narrower our path seems to become. But God doesn't give us more than we can handle. No matter how difficult the road becomes, no matter how narrow, how winding the turns, there is hope. That hope lies in our spiritual progression.
If we keep showing up at meetings and staying clean, life gets... well, different. The continual search for answers to life's ups and downs can lead us to question all aspects of our lives. Life isn't always pleasant. This is when we must turn to our Higher Power with even more faith. Sometimes all we can do is hold on tight, believing that things will get better.
In time, our faith will produce understanding. We will begin to see the "bigger picture" of our lives. As our relationship with our Higher Power unfolds and deepens, acceptance becomes almost second nature. No matter what happens as we walk through recovery, we rely on our faith in a loving Higher Power and continue onward.
Just for today: I accept that I don't have all the answers to life's questions. Nonetheless, I will have faith in the God of my understanding and continue on the journey of recovery. Page 139
I am behaving but keep myself busy lately I lack stamina which sucks put a damper on things but I try to pace myself
Thank for asking Raman I am thinking about going to a NA blues festival out of town on Saturdayit will be nearly 100 degrees that day so I may head for the water, defiently be in the water on Sunday dredging for gold in Kern River
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hi, Thank you for asking. I am doing better. I still need to pick up my meeting sbut I am no longer feeling overwhelmed to use. I am back playing recovery softball and trying to get in contact with my sponser more. Thanks for checking on me!
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
but keep myself busy lately I lack stamina which sucks put a damper on things but I try to pace myself
