Last Thursday I decided to leave the program I'm in.. the relapse I had and some other things tha I was dealing with built up and took over me and I decided I didn't want to be clean anymore.. so I pawned some of my things and bought a bus ticket to Denver and left the program really angry and cussing at the staff people here because they were witholding a lot of my stuff unless i agreed to call my parents and tell them why I was leaving.. (which I'm not even sure is legal? Bastards! hah) so I got on the bus and the guy sitting next to me had all his NA tags on his belt loop and I showed him mine and we talked a little bit..
Then there was a 2 hour layover in this town called Medford and I bummed a cigarette from this kid and he was telling me how he was on his way to California to turn himself in and do 4 years in jail.. and he turned out to be a heroin addict also.. and that is what caused all the problems that were the reason he was going to jail.. and I talked to him about NA and he said he had never been to a meeting before, and he told me he hand't used in 30 days so I gave him my 30 day orange tag and told him he should check out some meeting if he ever gets the chance.. and i gave him the address of the program i was at and told him we could trade stories if he needs someone to write to in jail.. and he was so greatful and really happy and you guys i felt so like filled with love for this complete stranger (yeah i know that sounds stupid.. whatever).. that's the only way i can think of putting it.. cuz i really felt for him and his problems ahead.. and i just felt apart of the universe and lost that feeling of thinking everyone is an asshole and out to get me
These two coincidences (spelling?) really put things in perspective.. i was just like damn this guy is one of the nicest people I've met and he has to go to jail for that long.. and i realized that I need to just let go and be greatful for what I have and I called up my dad and talked to him for a while... and then I decided to go back to the program (even though I felt like there was more shame going back to the program at the time)..
I left out a lot of the story and a few more crazy coincidences but I don't want to type anymore because my fingers hurt.. and I'm sure you don't want to read anymore anyway hah
anyway i'm glad i'm still here in the program and even though some days.. a lot of days.. most days.. everyday.. sucks and i feel like using all the time.. but i know that if i just keep at it.. things will fall into place and i'll be actually happy.. maybe..
You know what man imagine digging a hole, each shovel a bit deeper like me out looking for gold what we gold prospectors look for is BEDROCK, under the sediments and gravels theres a hard spot where the earths crust is solid nothing gets past that and that is where the gold lies.
And this is what happens to some of us we go on and on until one day we hit bedrock, this is our road pushing and trudging our way along fighting and crying lots of crying.
Your communicating to me Scott in your actions, I did the same things I fought the same battle, on one hand I JUST WANTED TO BE CLEAN and on the other I loved oblivion..you can't have both you have to choose one, but your not ready ot make that choice yet your not done yet, your not ready to surrender it up to God.
We admitted we we powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable
We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him
While your on this path try really hard to understand GOD, Scott theres a power greater then all of this, this whole Universe was created by a spirit I call him Father my Father your Father he's there for all of us who stretch out our arms and call upon him humbly, sometimes begging, for me it was a lot of begging then one day he spoke to me and said "My son you have had enough, glad to have you with me" I'm like yeah right dude playin me like a fool, but the compulsion to use was gone and most of the time the desire is gone but at least now I have a choice. I was like you felt like I had no choice at times but it took all of this stuff that happened to get me to a place where the only choices left was to not use or die an addicts death, and I didn't want to die like that man.
You think your story and life are hard, some of use went threw so much more and much worse, but its all the same its all pain any way you look at it.
I pray for you Scott know that and others here pray for you and I have often said it's others prayers that saved me, but I had to save me I had to want it BAD no one was going to do it for me.
So whats the use its hopeless right? NOT I'm doing it Scott right here right now, your clean today right there right now, One Day at a time, one step, sometimes we crawl and drag our nails threw life ripping and tearing with nashing teeth fighting EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that is who we are we're fighters, you just need to get on the right side of the fence and fight there right war, you'll get there buddy just dont choose to die today, or tomorrow.......its your choice and you made a good one going back now get threw this crap and move on.
Thank you Vini, i got a lot out of that.. the only thing though is i don't think i portrayed where my head is at correctly.. like the whole thing i learned from the experience is that there is much worse to be had going forward in active addictions and that there are a lot of people out there that have gone through so much worse than i have before they even entertained the idea of recovery.. and that was the whole thing it put my life in perspective and i realized i don't want what i know happens and what i hear from others the really awful shit that always follows if you keep at it a lot.. thats the whole point of wanting to get clean and recovery now before its harder to make that choice
One of my spiritual guides once told me, "the outer is a reflection of the inner."
When everything and everyone around me seems crazy to me, mostly it has been so that I've been feeling crazy within. I merely had been projecting what's going on within outwardly...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thankyou so much for sharing that story, Scott. I am recently coming back from a relapse and I totally appreciate it when I hear about people fighting their immediate impulses and helping the next addict/alcoholic. Obviously I have a hard time fighting those impulses. My life was finally getting back to "normal" when I relapsed. I was on that "pink cloud". I woke up happy everyday. I got a job and after them first month I still loved it. At about 115 days I was too comfortable with where I was and I didn't even try to fight the impulse. I just went for it. Afterwards I regretted it, but that didn't stop my from going on a week long binge. After that binge, I still find myself using every once in a while, and that has to stop. I am obsessing over that feeling. That opiate high that I love so much. That obsession never left me. It stopped being an obsession and started just being a thought. But all it took was that one moment to bring that obsession right back. Meeting are the key to this thing. The steps are the miracle but meetings are the keys to the miracle. I am now actively looking for a sponser and I am ready to start those steps, and my daily "clean count" again.
Sorry, I just start rambling and I don't know when to stop, so I will stop there. But, seriously, thankyou for sharing about how you fought that obsession. It takes a really strong person to do that and you obviously are, whether you think so or not. One more thought, the amount of people you have probibly helped with sharing that story is probibly through the roof and I think that you should know that. I know that I am one of them. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
