last night a girl in the program who got her wisdom teeth out had vicodin prescribed to her and she gave me some last night, i was so caught off guard.. i felt sick and i kept going back in forth in my mind about using it.. and i held onto it for about 3 hours before i decided to fuck up, and i did fuck up and i feel so empty.. i'm going to let down so many people.. i'm sure my friends who were all happy i got 60 days are going to be like yeah i knew it was too good to be true.. and worst part about all of it is i fucking pulled my own name out of the cup that has all the names for the random drug testing..! what a slap in the face.. only one person gets tested today and it's fucking me! i was stuck, i couldn't talk to anyone about how i was struggling with this because then they would have known that girl gave it to me and she would have gotten in trouble, and i probably shouldn't care about that but at the time i didn't want her to get in trouble so i kept my mouth shut and went to my own mind to solve the problem and now i'm fucked, sorry for profanity
Scott please read in the NA book page 83 the last 3 paragraphs.
I encourage you to be honest at any cost. I was in a program once and I was actually the medical coordinator LOL, I handed out peoples pills to them well there was a blind girl and she was on some sort of pain pill, I gave her an aspirin instead, after she took the pill within an hour she was screaming I gave her a fake pill which I had and i swore up and down I had given her her pill and that she was just trying to get another one. MAN that ate at me for months screwed my head all up, it just doesn't pay to be dishonest.
Facing addiction is tough, it's humiliating at times but we are people who have to be humbled and thru that humility we find strength believe it or not, because we end up surrendering and grabbing hold of what can save our lives.
Honesty is just one of many spiritual principles that we have to work on and live in order to have recovery, its a demon its one the the most difficult changes I have had to do in recovery that thats 100% honesty, with myself especially then others.
I can not live my life based on what other people think of me, today it is not the fact that i may disappoint others, it matters if i disappoint myself.
The nature of addiction is too catch us off gaurd, it is my addiction that tells me its ok to use. My spirit says it is not.
i have learned to tell on my dis-ease. pick up the phone
take this as a lesson, and learn from it. Our addiction is powerful when we live in the problem, come on back to the solution. One day at a time
just for today, i will not use, my thoughts will be on my recovery.
