I relapsed feb 13 my pride is standing in the way of going back and the lack of support in the area concerns me as well I have been in the rooms for a solid 3 years and I reach out and still stand alone called 8 different ppl BEFORE I picked up I am not sure what to do
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. " Theodore Roosevelt
JUST FOR TODAY I'll have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
This has been so true in my own struggle that was similar to what you have shared Rayne, I relapsed in the fellowship so many times over more than 5 years of coming to NA that I felt alone after my last relapse. It seemed to me as if no one cared, no one bothered whether I was alive or not. But how wrong I was. When I felt that I needed someone, at least 2 or 3 members in the fellowship who would still accept me for what I was, and continue to support me in my attempt to stay clean, I surely found these few members. I just needed to seek. As long as I was in a frame of mind where I had concluded that no one cared or understands, it looked so. Only when I became willing to open my mind, and opened myself up to a few members allowing myself to be vulnerable, despite my reluctance to do so did I find that help was always available. Only my thoughts kept me away from finding it all. I started questioning my thoughts. Whatever entered my mind, I telling myself - don't listen to these thoughts, these are my dis-ease that affects me mentally. It helped me a lot to overcome these controlling thoughts and still set out to do what I felt in my gut that I have to do, that I really really want to do. Nothing else mattered.
I also used an online NA support group almost 24/7 on my last relapse. I stayed at the forum, at the chatroom, shared with others, drew as much nourishment, support and hope I could from others at this online group. It didn't matter to me if I knew these members or not, whether I was attracted to them or not, whether I liked them or disliked them. All I needed is strength and hope for my own recovery, and that's all that mattered to me.
Taking a Sponsor, trusting the Sponsor enough to follow directions and working the program under a Sponsor's guidance apart from regular meetings and spending time with other members either in person or online or on phone helped me a lot. Prayer kept me from losing hope and from giving up. Reading NA literature kept my obsessive thought patterns at bay. Writing down how I feel in my daily journal helped too. There are so many tools available. We are so fortunate to have found this fellowship in this age. Today, I strongly believe that an addict, any addict, anywhere in the world, can stop using and find a new way to live with the help of the NA program. All that is needed is an honest desire. I kept knockin' until the doors opened up.
The greatest obstacle to my recovery has always been the prison of my own mind. Nothing else was actually stopping me. WE DO RECOVER, come hell or high water! I'm grateful to have come to realize this truth.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Tahir my brother you have managed tp put tears in my eyes Iam so afraid to be a part of anything due to rejection and insecurities and then the unavailable ones are who I seem to attract I can't keep my mind from racing unless I am stoned it is actually quiet and it has not been for several years I feel somewhat normal but guilty because those books are all I know shit I keep saying I won't buy more when it is gone yea right as soon as I get near half out time to make sure I have tomorrows stash fuck okay I get it one is to many a thousands never enough now I just need to push me aside and get to a mtg but I don't wanna let go of the silence either but MIP is where I found home maybe if I come around you'll rub off on me
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
I have also had struggles with meeting attendance. These days, I go whether I like it or not, whether anyone else likes it or not. I go because I believe meetings have the power to save lives. Maybe the saved life is mine. Maybe I can help save someone else's life. I figure it's worth showing up for either one. That's the bottom line.
Ditto what Tahir shared about sponsorship. It took me about 20 years to find a sponsor who I totally love, respect, and trust. Or maybe it took me that long to be ready! Whatever the case, I'm glad I kept trying. I encourage you to keep trying as well. You never know when that one meeting might click for you or that one sponsor magically appear.
that 8 calls really got my attention....i had an emotional relapse on sunday. my addict was in full gear and i was scared. i been in recovery for a long time but got away from meetings cause of personaliy conflicts with people in the program. seemed like when i was down there was people who enjoyed kicking the shit out of me, along the lines of "you been here a long time, i shouldnt be so upset" ect. so on the very bad day, i called 8 people and got 8 answering machines. by monday i knew i was fucked. i felt just like i did the first time i came into the doors. and yes i have relapsed a few times, people judged me and it sucked. i dont have the perfect record of clean time, but i am really clear that i am not alone on that, got a couple of years in a row now and i am grateful for the relapses in the sense that when someone announces they are coming back i now so get how that feels having been there and you can communicate that with just a look often. i see it as a gift now. so since sunday i knew something had to change and i knew it was me. meetings every night for me until i see something like sanity in head and god knows how long that would be! i now dont give a rats ass about the people who are unkind to me. i need those meetings and i have earned my bloody chair, i matter and i dont want die the thousands of ugly ways addcits die. maybe i got humility about how powerless i am over my disease, i dont know, all i know is it feels great to be at the meetings again, i feel like i was in hell for a long time and now i found my way home and totally by the grace of my higher power. i need to get more numbers and introduce my self, i dont ever want to feel that alone again, i will reach out....i am cindy and i am an addict.
Right on Cindy you just keep on trucking you too Manon sorry I missed your call the other day.
There are times when people won't be there for us so we rely on another power greater then our addiction thats up to each of us to find, for me it's Gods Grace sometimes its humility and other times it's wisdom.
I know this much I have a lot more in my life now that i don't have a need to use, no matter what.
So glad to hear from you again Galeon, thank you for sharing that... NA Hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Manon, I don't know what to say, but I am glad that you are here talking with us. I feel the same as Galeon, some times people let us down, but I sure feel good everytime I go to a meeting.
kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
