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Raman


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will you please read my story ?
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   The guy who lives music !!          

 
My name is Raman and I am an addict, I came into NA as a coincidence,
which being me reading the "Basic Text" while I was in a treatment center.
I had a long run with all sort of drugs and was really sick and tired of it all.
I had many good times with drugs but as I graduated from one drug to
another, I was going insane!!! I remember the first bad scene I had, I was
drinking and hashing away to glory in Goa. This was December and I was
playing music, getting good money and blowing it up and having a very good
time. The world seemed perfect with all the drugs, girls, music and money
around!!! When the contract got over my band went back but I decided to
stay and had a blown out time until all my money ran out. Then the ugly side
of my addiction became apparent. I made friends with a much elder woman
from abroad and had lot of good time and drugs with her. I kept demanding
she spend more and when she wouldnt I left in a huff and began selling some
drugs. That carried me along for some more time!!
 
Then one night the cops questioned me, I was afraid. When they did not get
any proper answers they took me to the cop station and trashed the hell
out of me. They wanted to know who my boss was, why they did not get
their share etc. I had no answer to that, imagine a sort of innocent 19 year
old musician getting into that. I was too artistic to know all that!! When I
got desperate and screamed "Kill me, lets see", suddenly they let me go. This
incident hurt as hell for a long time and was a wonderful excuse to keep
using; it helped me to cope with the shame. 
When things got worse at home they decided I need to seek help and I went into a detoxification center in
a major hospitals psychiatric ward. It was a lot of pain and confusion; later
I was discharged. Sometime later at home I relapsed & was back to the drug
of my choice. My legs began to get infected with sores that kept increasing
and finally covered both my legs from knee to ankle. Life had become one
hell of a mess. All these time I use to think, how nice it was when I first
began using and how good the trips were and how great the music and
friends were. I had done great tour of India and was on the verge of going
to New York to study music, but when addiction gets you it does so
completely. I was totally into getting and using and finding ways and means
to get more and use more. 
The police raids on dens as well as my increasing
usage made me study chemistry books in order to learn how to make drugs
and I was in fact ready to go to Afghanistan or Sri Lanka and spend time
with terrorists to learn it!!! By this time I was 26 with no ambitions left,
having been in hospital two times already without the slightest clue about
how to manage my life. I wanted to do something, by that time naturally all
friends disappeared, and I was a complete loner. I wanted some way out!

And the irony of it all; a using woman gave me a rehabs number.
My decision to really do something about quitting came after my uncle died
of overdose and me having a near death experience one night when I was
high. There I was, nodding on a chair and listening to jazz on the radio and
suddenly my soul left my body. went to the ceiling. looked down at me
and said in a silent voice "'You are going to die'" 
I believe now, thats when
I got the message first, later I got the NA message when I was reading the
Basic Text in the rehab. I loved the way my behavior was explained, what I
needed to do to recover and then as I began reading the personal stories
of recovering members I got a distinct feeling of belonging. I remember I
thought "Hey thats just like me, where did I meet these guys before?" Isnt
that what we call empathy, the wordless language of recognition and belonging?

So when I came out of the rehab, there was no NA but I went to meetings
of another 12 Step Fellowship, where I found many people recovering from
their other addictions. As I heard these people share and care for each other,
I would think "'How nice it would be to be in a roomful of recovering addicts
talk of Narcotics Anonymous?" At that time I was really willing to make the
effort to get what they had. I had stopped playing music for some time to
get away from old playgrounds, I had stopped meeting old playmates, and my
house was clean of any paraphernalia. I wanted to make contact with others,
so I wrote to NA WSO and they sent me literature and a wonderful
publication called "Meeting By Mail". You can imagine my joy and relief when
I read the sharings in the "Meeting By Mail", thats when I decided I wanted
to be a member of MBM and Loner Group. Many years later Im still a
member of Loner Group, and still do Meetings By Mail. In those days of snail
mail, way back in the 80s, it became the high point of my day to get a mail
from others in Loner group, thats my first real encounter of one to one
with another addict recovering the NA WAY. I still remember with gratitude,
my many exchanges with another loner and his insights. I still remember him
encouraging more contact with Loner Groupers as well as
a parallel effort to start meetings in Bangalore. 
I remember the day when
the post office said to come collect a parcel, "Big Parcel" they said, which
turned out to be a big bundle of NA Literature. I also remember the
accompanying letter of encouragement from them when I was reading it I
thought "Oh for Gods sake, these guys believe in me" Thereon it was
working by myself at first and then with others to carry the NA Message.
We stared meetings here with few others I met in the other fellowship. We
all felt that more addicts will find recovery only if we had regularly scheduled
meetings of Narcotics Anonymous. So we got one going, at first informally,
then we had recovering addicts passing through our town, passing on a
message to us and then we finally began the Reality Group. Though the
distinction of being the first NA Group in Bangalore city goes to the
International Hope Group, the Reality Group is now the oldest amongst six
other groups. I was elected to serve in various positions as GSR, ASR, and
Chairperson as well as in other Subcommittees, which I do till this day. I also
got married and was well settled in an antiques trade. I had a nice family life
going and was very gratified by the birth of our daughter, an NA Baby; I was
at peace with my parents and society at large when I suddenly decided I
wanted to go back to music. For ten years in my recovery, I had looked
member of Loner Group, and still do Meetings By Mail. In those days of snail
mail, way back in the 80s, it became the high point of my day to get a mail
from others in Loner group, thats my first real encounter of one to one
with another addict recovering the NA WAY. I still remember with gratitude,
my many exchanges with another loner and his insights. I still remember him
encouraging more contact with Loner Groupers as well as
a parallel effort to start meetings in Bangalore. I remember the day when
the post office said to come collect a parcel, "Big Parcel" they said, which
turned out to be a big bundle of NA Literature. I also remember the
accompanying letter of encouragement from them when I was reading it I
thought "Oh for Gods sake, these guys believe in me" Thereon it was
working by myself at first and then with others to carry the NA Message.
We stared meetings here with few others I met in the other fellowship. We
all felt that more addicts will find recovery only if we had regularly scheduled
meetings of Narcotics Anonymous. So we got one going, at first informally,
then we had recovering addicts passing through our town, passing on a
message to us and then we finally began the Reality Group. Though the
distinction of being the first NA Group in Bangalore city goes to the
International Hope Group, the Reality Group is now the oldest amongst six
other groups. I was elected to serve in various positions as GSR, ASR, and
Chairperson as well as in other Subcommittees, which I do till this day. I also
got married and was well settled in an antiques trade. I had a nice family life
going and was very gratified by the birth of our daughter, an NA Baby; I was
at peace with my parents and society at large when I suddenly decided I
wanted to go back to music. For ten years in my recovery, I had looked
towards working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, doing NA service work and
being the best recovering addict I can be.
It was all there but the music was still missing in my life, and thats when my
sponsor of that time encouraged me to get back into music, with the Principles
of Recovery being the primary focus, no matter what. You see I had done
an extensive Fourth Step, done a complete Fifth and did all the amends I
could. One way of making amends to my mother was to help her by being
a partner in her child day care center, wherein I was successful. Amends to
my father primarily came when I stopped shouting at him and abusing him
like I did in the past. My father and I then shared many serene moments and
I could sense my fathers happiness and gratitude at the way I was doing.
There have been a few setbacks in recovery, but God has always been greater
than any problem I have and the Power of NA has been saving me from all
sorts of situations. Today Im back to my profession of music and events and
am really enjoying performance as never before. I am a loving parent to my
darling daughter who I bring up as a single parent. My father is dead; I am a
loving and caring son to my mother. The last time I went to a treatment
center I remember my mother saying "I want nothing but for you to be
restored to humanness", I think that has happened.
My service in NA is looking up at an unofficial level and I have a new habit,
driving newer members to NA Conventions, the one to Nepal was way out.
Imagine me and another member driving to Nepal and back, man thats going
to be in my mind for the rest of my life!!! My sponsor is still guiding me; my
sponsees are a great lot too!!
My music scene is looking better than ever. I'm in demand at parties, weddings,
functions, corporate events, concerts and recordings. At parties invariably
there's liquor served and they also offer me but I politely refuse, I simply
remember that I'm there for sharing my music. Sometimes when fellow NA
Members and I play together there's a great feeling too, especially when I
play at NA events !! Recently along with a few other NA members, I went
to Mangalore to help them start NA Meetings there. I was elected to
responsible positions in NA Service and have done it honestly!!! Cant imagine
an addict like me not only being clean this long but also being a responsible
and productive member of society!!!
Im very proud to have been a member of Miracles In Progress for nearly 4 years now.
Im also a home group member of Jyothi here in Bangalore City !
It is said "Dreams Do Come True In NA" and in my case it is so !!All in all,
I live to love and love to live the NA Way, Just for Today and for always

 


-- Edited by Raman at 05:20, 2008-04-04

-- Edited by Raman at 05:24, 2008-04-04

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
BigV


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WHOA Raman thats quite story, the miles it took to get here were so painful and hopeless, I really choked reading the part where your soul left your body I had a similiar thing happen myself, first from a Doctor then a realization and omen hit me so I can really relate, thanks for that Raman glad your are clean.

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It's all about spirituality...
Raman


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thanks Vini,, buddy !!
theres a lot of samness in our stories !
God Bless ya for being there !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
wantneeda


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(((Raman)))

thankyou for sharing your experience, strength and hope

love in recovery
Wendy

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Raman


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thanks Wendy,, I havent seen your posts in sometime now,, how d y do ?

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
2ala2


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Your story is amazing. I can relate to a great deal Raman. What an inspiration. I haven't been to this site in maybe 9 months. I miss it. I have been active in NA and I am proud to say that i have 2 sponsees. Who would believe that a junky like me is clean and helping others. Thank you God..It's good to be back here. Hi Vini and all!
Magellan

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Raman


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Hi Magellan,,nice to read your post again,, hugs !!
and know alls well with you.
Keep coming back,,I need you in my recovery !

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Kenh


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Hi Raman, I read your story, it's a good one. Going to Afghanistan to learn more about drug chemistry? That probably was a good choice not to go.

kenh

-- Edited by Kenh at 17:12, 2008-04-08

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Raman


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ha,ha yes Kenh,,


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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Been travelling quite a lot,,,
road runner blues !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Kenh


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Hey Raman (Guru), where is the picture from?

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Raman


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ha, ha,, well,, raman the recovering addict replying=
Kenh,,, thats a place called Visakapatnam,,, about mid point on Indias east coast.
I went there for a show and then went for the photos of the old Dutch settlement there and then one day later at another Dutch settlement down the coast.
Ive traced English(of course),,, French,Portugese,Dutch and lately a Danish settlement for photos.
Ive got many pics will and send it zipped to anyone that wants Kenh,,,

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Im in pain this day,, my 47th year in life,,
mydear Sara has ditched me after accusing me of infidelity.
I would have been glad if it was true,,, im suffering because it isnt !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Yes iwas in pain last nite and day,, my natural birthday !
However my love at least sent me an sms,, Im greatful for that.
Im also greatful that Ive been given admission to study masters,,
im also greatful to have the support of my darling daughter and mother.
Im also greatful that I have the money to pay for it,,,,,

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Tahir


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(((((Hugs & Prayers Raman))))) love you bro and miss you at our meetings smile.gif Thank you for sharing your pain, and yes, also for your recovery story, great stuff of E, S & H...

Magellan, so glad to hear from you again and to know that 2 more have chosen to walk this miraculous journey of recovery with you, NA hugs to you.


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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Raman


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My dear Bro Tahir,,
thanks for your kind words,,,I really need to attend home group.
All im doing is informal meetings with NAs,,, phone calls to and from NAs here and all over,, and internet !!
I got your sms ,, but had a show in a hotel and couldnt make it to the business meeting.
Hope to meet you i the sunday morning meeting,,, im trying to get a sponsee to celebrate his 2nd year anniversary .
Tho he seems shy he has agreed.

""Fighting with fear is like trying to deliver a knock-out punch to a scary shadow."""
ha, ha, ha,, thats funny and changed my sad, melancholy mood !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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your prayers answered Bro,,
J. and I seem to have made up,, the process is still on,,
hugs !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Tahir


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That's great news, thanks for sharing smile.gif hope to catch up with you on Sunday bro, Hugs and love.

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Raman


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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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A dialogue with myself=
Raman,,
have you lately stopped and asked yourself why you try and convince those who wont believe you ?
why do you bargain for love with those who cant or wont love you ?
why is it you will go out of the way to try and please those who can never be pleased ?
why is it when everythings going well youll suddely pick on something that isnt and then go beserk on that ?
well,,, iof yu dont know the answers yet its ok,, but are you willing to Meditate and experience the Miracle of listening ?????


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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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updating yall=
im doing well,,, emnotionally,socially,in family and friends and also financially,,,,,, thank God as I understand !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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its maddening and sickening to have people at this forum at times do "cross sharing" or not respond at all.
The first thing I learnt in recovery is be courteous,,,,
when my name is menmtioned in any post I at least respond !!
Not just ignore the person who wrote that !

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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continuing my blogging,,something I had to share=
when I play these hotel shows im very confused and upset at times.
Confused like what am i,, a recovering addict doing here seeing people drink all sorts of wine and liquers ?
upset because there are times when i feel that my music isnt appreciated or thatif only i kew nwhat sort of music these people would like id play that for them.
the difference between them and us is that we have become caring and sharing people whereas "they" are ( i judge) greedy selfish people who perhaps wont even tell time of day without motive !!
So i just have to steel myself and play my music,,endure a "bad nite when noone seems to care" !!!
Then take my cheque,,e at a great meal and go home to love !!!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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anyone reading this,,,please also read and share in y other topic thats recenet=
Just For Today !!
Touch time and feel space long lost to many of us !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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they call me SAXMAN,,,hmmmm,,,

-- Edited by Raman at 15:54, 2008-06-26

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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mst times i feel greatful for the saxophone talent,,,,

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Well now,,, this day Im gald a certain sponsee of mine isnt playing with me this evening at the party,,,,
Ive been in heavy tension with him around,,I think my ideas and his are totally different and moreover he has to focus more on his trade and I on mine !!!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Sometimes when Im plkaying at the hotel Im actually seeing if theres anyone just eating and not doing the wine,,,,
last nite there was tow of em,, they seemed to be doing soft drinks,,, but at that distance i couldnt be sure.
Seems like a subconcious wish to have more and more recovering people in my life,,,,,sigh !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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and yes,, I hope to develop more compassion for those that are really nuts with the drugs and drink !! Hoping that God as I understand will lead em our way !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Tough times never last,,, tough people do !!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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hi all,, if you do read this I thank you for the same.
Here I am doing quite well and knowing that things are getting better.
However there have been times last week when I felt real crazy,,
I believe its anxiety and nothing else that bring forth greed and hate to run my life again,,which again makes me a ward of this disease called addiction.
I am an addict ,, no matter how long I stay clean I will release my addiction all over again if i use drugs in any form or substitute one for another.
Then again I also believe that addiction involves much more than just the drugs,, i need to change attitudes of impatience,greed,hate, resentment.
The only way Ive known it to work is the 12 Step solution.
Im in the 10th Step Process,,, which means this is an eveyday process of looking at my daily actions,thoughts and feeling.
The 10th Step prayer reads
GOD SHOW ME WHAT I HAVE DONE RIGHT AND WRONG TODAY
SHOW ME HOW I CAN BETTER LIVE AND SERVE THY WILL TOMMOROW.
Sometimes in the last week confusiona and contradiction were great.
At those times saying te Serenity Prayer and doing things like writing,walking and breathing excercises have put me back in recovery.
Just for today my thougts will be on my recovery,, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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this day Im obssessed with trying to prove my innocence,,
I hope the voice of reason and Power of Truth wil prevail.

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Im now really beggining to realize how painful a relationship addiction can be.
Especially so in recovery when i need to feel these feelings of elation,joy amd then pain,fear,.rejection and the sort,,,,
scope for the 12 Steps again..

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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Relationship addiction =
I feel great when I am accepted and acceptable,,
i feel pained when rejected cause I think im rejectable !!!

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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman


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my new apartment wil look like this,,,,

-- Edited by Raman at 15:04, 2008-08-09

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