lately i've been thinking of all the people that i've met and become friends with in NA and like how they've gone back out and used and sort of dropped off the face of the earth. and i know that we've all got different paths, and some of them might even be getting clean elsewhere, but most i know are still out there. and like, it sort of zaps some of my hope. or at least makes me feel like i could've done more for them. which isn't really anywhere near true but i still sometimes think it. but anyways, what do you guys do when you think these sort of things?
The important thing is that you are sharing whats going on inside Maddock thats your process and your recovery speaking out and saying " I WANT TO STAY CLEAN NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AND AROUND ME".
Thats what I get from your share, well thats part of it and another part is your compassion and empathy for others which shows a side of you that is SO good, you care about not just yourself but your caring about others, who would have thunk that a selfish addict could care about anyone but hisself.
But we do and maybe that is a bit selfish also in a way? we want what we want we hate discomfort somehow losing these people back to active addiction takes them out of your life, these are some good people throwing themselves back out there, but there back out because they want to be, they give up and lose focus or simply are not ready yet.
Threw all of these things that come up in our lives each one no matter how small effects our recovery in some way.
Every little things blings us, bangs us like a tong RING,RING,RING, how many of these can we take . I sometimes had to ask myself " Do I have to go threw these feelings over and over again and again?" well yes we do and thats the part of this that can CAN get difficult unless we pick up this programs principles and use them in every aspect of our lives, every single little thing, every single big thing.
Everythings a big deal now where as before I didn't care did'nt face what was going on around me now I see and feel everything and I have to deal with it.
Strength , courage, wisdom, hope, patience and tolerance, LOVE, openminded and willing, to accept the things we can not change, we cannot change others.
YOU hang in there you have a place you've earned and deserve here, you have the desire forget what others lack you cannot help those who don't want help and aren't willing, they simply are not ready, BUT be there for them when thewy come back because THAT will give them HOPE.
Yes, being an observer of the revolving door can be tedious and lonely. I haven't really blamed myself for others choosing to use, though. Their willingness and commitment to recovery are up to them. I'm not responsible for keeping someone else clean, just as no one else is responsible for my recovery.
For me, watching those who relapse is an opportunity to learn. (Sorry if that sounds cruel.) I think about their recovery and what I can do differently to prevent myself from following the same path. I still feel sad for them, but I know I can't do anything. I'm powerless.
