Probally totally taboo subject here but my sister will not ask within the program and I have very grave concerns over this, so please forgive this "normie" for nosing in on a in program issue!
My sister is within the program and I do whatever I can to support her sobriety, I provide nothing co-dependant on either end lets get this straight right off, I provide a safe place to hang out and mutually enjoy our kids and have dinner and a movie together as a family. Alot of issues come up and given our extremely open relationship everything comes up eventually, lately and more often her Sponsor has become an issue. Her sponsor is MIA for months at a time only dropping a 3 min call once every couple of months along these lines, Sponsor:"Doing good?" Sister:"Yah, been busy lately but going to meeting when I can, you?" Sponsor:"Oh good was just callin to check in, well talk to ya later!", thats about the long and short of it and my sister is very uncomfortable with the whole situation. She is unsure how to proceed having the idea that she should just be grateful she has a sponsor and any complaints or unhappiness on her end would earn major bad sneers from other people in the program who would label her an ingate! I am pissed on her behalf because my sister makes a real effort everyday and this "sponsor" seems to not only not care or be interested in helping her with the sobriety process but she is making some of the issues my sister needs help with from someone within the program become real problems. This person is someone my sister cannot talk to because they end the conversation before it begins, they go out of thier way to say uncomfortable things to her before meeting and walk away and later pretend to be long lost friends (the perfect sponsor) with her in front of her own sponsor and other meeting attendees. My sister trys to put a good face on it and doggedly attends the rare meetings with her sponsor but she is really begining to resent the whole situation and the fact she is "stuck" with the lady. I have grave doubts as to the legitamacy of this current sponsor, apparently my sister worked through ALL 12 steps in under a month. I know who am I to critize?, but it makes me nervous to know my sister's sober life hangs on the thread of this seemlingly insincere person, that in my opinion is a very slim thread indeed! I am scared to death my sister will come to resent the whole program as insincere as her sponsor and go back to her old ways. Paranoid of me? Yes, but I stuck it out for over 10 very long heartbreaking yrs of her addiction so I could be there for these sober peaceful times together sipping coffee watching our kids playing together. Any threat to that makes me just a tad irrational!
So what is the protocol for A) Breaking with a sponsor, is this even an option? and B) Finding a new sponsor in the local area without rubbing the ex-sponsors nose in it.
Her bringing sobriety issues to me frankly leaves me slack jawed and flatfooted, I am entirely inappropriate and I would just like a direction to point her in! If anyone can help please post back I want her going to meetings and feeling good about it and not dreading a run in with her sponsor!
My personal understanding of having a Sponsor is to have a single point of guidance and support regularly, primarily, someone who can guide me in working my steps (working the recovery program as suggested by the 12 Steps). In early recovery, I did need my Sponsor more often and almost on a daily basis, for all issues that I encountered in my recovery, like using thoughts, staying clean, problems at home, addressing my material needs, relationship issues with other members, a flat tyre, having no shoes to wear for meetings, feeling sad or hopeless, anything that made me at dis-ease. But my Sponsor always guided me how to apply a particular Step on these situations by sharing his/her own experiences on similar situations. It's then my initiative to pick up this tool for myself and start applying it in my situations in daily life. I was always told by my first Sponsor that it's not the Sponsor who changes my life, but the program that the Sponsor has and that is being shared with me, passed on to me from my Sponsor that will make the vital difference to my recovery.
Whenever I feel I don't need to reach out to my Sponsor immediately, that it can wait, it usually tells me that I'm not willing to work the suggestions of the program at that moment, that I feel that I can handle things on my own (that typical symptom of my addiction which kept me using for a decade and a half).
Also, I've seen a few newcomers who just take a Sponsor because they HAVE to when they first start coming to meetings, then they tend to put their Sponsor on a pedestal, look at them like they would a teacher or a parent, and thus get scared of sharing anything that they have done in their daily life to their Sponsor fearing ridicule or scolding, not wanting to face the wrath and the anger of their Sponsor that they imagine a Sponsor is supposed to do. I have observed a few newcomers are able to share their mistakes and their problems to all the other members in the fellowship but not with their Sponsor. That renders the whole benefit of Sponsorship an exercise in waste and futility.
For me, a Sponsor is one person in NA with whom I can freely share anything without fear of being judged or ridiculed. I might not be able to share something at a meeting or with another member, and that's alright, because I have my Sponsor to do that freely with.
If my Sponsor is not available for me on a regular basis, perhaps I look for another who could be willing and available. That's a normal process in NA. I've done the same in picking up my current Sponsor, even though, due to another reason. Many of my ex-sponsees have done the same too, for various reasons. There's nothing wrong in it. I'm sure your sister's Sponsor would be glad if your sister could find another Sponsor. Once having identified a new Sponsor, she could always inform her current Sponsor and thank her for the support. There are many in our fellowship who find their ideal Sponsor only after being in the process of asking one and changing to another and so on...
Hope this helps, thank you for reaching out and asking... Best wishes...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Also, more than changing Sponsors, opening my own mind and becoming willing to work the program with my Sponsor on a daily basis is the key. I believe I might change one Sponsor after another, but it's of no use if I'm not making use of one as the NA program suggests me to make use of.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It is my opinion that a sponsor should be able to be gotten ahold of at certain times. Not all of the time and that is why we have a support group. However, if there is no relationship between the sponsor and sponsee then going over steps with that person is a little more on the difficult side.
It is my opinion, that your sister needs to get a new sponsor. One that she connects with and is able to have a real relationship with rather than a Hi/Bye relationship.
If your sister decides to get a new sponsor then she needs to "break up" with her old one.
A sponsor is a small portion of one's recovery. We cannot afford to rely on one person for everything. We also get direction and support from meetings, our network of recovering friends, literature, being involved in NA service, etc.
Although I understand your concerns about your sister and her relationship with her sponsor, it's up to your sister to decide if and when she wants something different. Apparently she is getting something from this relationship or she wouldn't be in it.
As for changing sponsors, it happens all the time and is no big deal as your sister probably knows from meetings and her support group.
