I don't know what is wrong with me. Everything is going good with my family, my work. I don't have any money problems, other than I always want more. I have been clean for 4+ months since my last relapse. I am planning to relapse again soon. What is my problem? I don't want to relapse, I don't want to be a mess.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
Ken, even though you might be thinking about and planning a relapse, you don't really have to act on it. I think about stupid stuff all the time, too, but I don't do any of it. It's kind of like being on diet: I think about chocolate all the time, but I don't buy it, I don't go near it, I don't bring it home, and I don't eat it.
Self-destructive thinking is part of being an addict. We are our worst enemies. There is something inside me that wants to destroy me. It's very twisted. Once I enter recovery, though, I become aware and that awareness allows me to have a choice. You also have a choice. You can chose not to use and to do something else instead. What can you do instead? Make a meeting every day. Make two meetings every day. Share about what you're thinking. Hang out with clean people. Call other recovering addicts. Don't buy it, don't go near it, don't bring it home, and don't pick up no matter what.
I can't add much more then what Blithe said. you just don't use no matter what, no matter what you feel or want .Addiction is insideous, harmful and enticing . Theres one thing I do that helps and that is because I see this thing as a spiritual war among spirits , I rebuke that thought of using and I do it in the name of Jesus Christ who is my personal ultimate higher power, you rebuke it to whom ever yours is and turn it over to that source of power Ken its worth trying.
This maybe something your just hanging onto its an obsession and compulsion just keep putting it off it will eventually pass. go do something keep yourself busy don't sit and rub at the thought it will fester.
ken ,, ill take a liberty with you=( and give you some Program Jive !!!) recovery as experienced thru our 12 Steps is our goal and not mere physicla abstinence !! Basic Text
sometimes clean time may not equeal recovery,,, thats why i need personality change. theres lots of crazy stuff going on in my life like driving too fast on highways,,obssessing on eventas and objects and all but thank God and my sponsor of the time I got to work the Steps !!! I dont have to let the disease run my life today,, remember that anything that feels at odds with your self,, anything thats obssessed anything thats anger or fear filed is the disease making another attempt to control your life !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
You know you are thinking about these things and the best thing is.....you are not keeping it a secret!!! Wow :) You have learned a lot in recovery, Ken, and we are all one day at a time miracles!
I have crazy thoughts too....all the time.....but as long as I do not take action and talk to someone about my crazy head....all is well. Our addict inside does not like us sharing those "secret" thoughts so keep coming back and sharing away my friend.
Perhaps planning on taking that next step and working it will help the disease to subside a bit :)
NA Love and Hugs Ken :)
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
The Steps, Ken H, the Steps! Do you have a Sponsor, Ken H? Reservations rob us from experiencing RECOVERY. A reservation can be to just smoke marijuana or drink alcohol occasionally, or just stay clean with an idea that there's no need to have a Sponsor or work the steps... it's the same, a reservation reserves a place for relapse any time in my recovery no matter what it is - whether to try out a new drug in town once or an idea that I don't need to make meetings or work the steps...
I might or can relapse. I am an addict and as such am subject to relapse as my disease of addiction is progressive and incurable even when I'm not using. The only way I can stay away from relapsing is by working the Steps in all areas of my life on a daily basis and keep doing the basics of NA program Just For Today. Working the NA program is the best insurance against a possible relapse.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks for all the help, it really pulled me through a tough time. I am still going through alot of mixed up emotions and decisions. I am finding out that I am not different from everyone else. I do have to attend meetings and go through the steps in a meaningful way. I was at BFC rehab last July for over a month and skimmed over all 12 steps in about 2 weeks, never retained anything. So I am now actually working on step one. I bought a step book last night after the meeting. That was the first meeting I have attended in over a year. It was really good and it was nice to hear people share. I think that I will try to share at the meeting tonight. Thanks for your patience and persistance with me. Without your help and the help of NA there would have been one more relapse and one more person out there using.
Still in recovery Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
Way to go, Ken, congrats on beginning your stepwork again. Glad you have a step study meeting in your locality that you can be part of. My first attempt at stepwork was at such a stepworking group where I took the group and each individual member who shared their experience, strength and hope at these meetings as my Sponsor. I worked my first 3 steps succesfully through this group over 3 months. IT WORKS!
NA HUGS & FELLOWSHIP LOVE, Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
