I have this really self-centered thing goin' on where i see myself as the only person with problems while walking down the street.. like i look at people and i think they are probably happy and have no problems.. and that's just how naive i am.. but today on break at work i saw another co-worker of mine who i'm really friendly with at work but don't know that well.. and she seemed down so i asked her if she wanted to walk with me to the food court.. and she didn't say much, so i did a lot of talking about everything and nothing cuz i'm socially awkward and stooopid like that.. and she was just like i got some really bad health news.. and she told me she got diagnosed with cancer yesterday.. which shut me up quick.. but i couldn't believe it cuz she is only a few years older than me.. and the nicest person you'll ever meet.. and she said she wasn't looking forward to calling her mom after she got off work to tell her.. and i said how sorry i was and stuff.. but really didn't know what to say and i felt really bad.. so we just sat down and did some people watching for the rest of our break..
her telling me that made me sorta wake up and realize that everyone has problems.. yeah they differ on levels of seriousness.. but everbody has em.. and in a weird way it made me feel not so lonely, like i was connected to everyone..
.. so right now i'm desperately trying to find a way to connect this to a recovery topic because i don't wanna get yelled at for posting off topic.. but i can't think of anything.. just wanted to share
Thank you for sharing Scott. This is exactly what is recovery-related topics all about. These incidents and experiences are those turning points that have the power to alter our perceptions and transform our attitude and approach to life and recovery.
I have come upon a meeting quote early in my recovery that goes...
"I once had the blues because I had no shoes, then when walking down the street I met a man with no feet!" I came upon this saying when I was actually complaining about my frustration of not having a decent pair of shoes in my early recovery. After this powerful message hit me hard, I looked around in the NA classrooms and saw what pain the other members are going through for a change rather than focus on my own pain all the time...
There was this member who ended up killing his own two sons because of his negligence while using... another was not even able to walk a few steps to the meeting door due to a big abscess in his leg and was facing the prospect of amputation, yet another was proudly sharing that he was clean for a few months inspite of knowing the fact that he is going to die shortly due to a terminal illness, yet another member had lost his whole family to divorce and disowning by his parents... and many more with problems and pain that was just unimaginable for me...
And here I was sad, frustrated, angry and depressed because I did not have a proper pair of shoes, complaining how I don't have a bike or car to make my meetings more easily, how I'm not able to smoke my brand of cigarettes everyday as I did not have money, feeling sad and miserable because my parents still see me with suspicious eyes. To be frank, I liked dwelling in self-pity and loneliness. I was not able to enjoy happiness, peace or success back then. Pain was one thing that I was well familiar with for most of my life, and a familiar foe seemed more appealing than an uncertain recovery. Later on, I realized while working the Steps that it was my addiction at play. Somehow my addiction kept giving me messages that recovery sucks, that I must be depressed all the time, I must feel miserable, filling me with a constant stream of thoughts telling me that staying clean is not worth it on a subconscious level, thus keeping me away from help - NA meetings, Sponsor, working the program, contact with my Higher Power etc. I realized that my sickness ensured that I'm away from these recovery tools so that I continue to be the addict that my sickness wants me to be. Whenever I felt that I needed help, my sick mind reassured me that I can do it on my own, that it's impossible for me to stay clean, to recover, that I'm destined to use for the rest of my life. All these obsessive thoughts that my addiction gripped me with seemed so romatically melancholic that I was hooked, compelled to dwell on these thoughts, leading me to apathy and procrastination from taking recovery-oriented action through NA. What a prison it was, self-imposed!
Until, moments of clarity hit me, like the incident you shared about Scott, and liberated me to do what I really want to do, deep inside my heart, to open my mind to the program, and to become willing to really really trying the program out finally... to change and transform my being from the inside, not merely trying to be abstinent from drugs...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
THe longer you stay clean the more gratitude messages you will recieve. We all take things for granted, we underestimate the value of just what we have , and for some of us just taking a breathe is more then we should have after what we put ourselves threw.
The whole world has troubles Scott every last person has something going on in there life thats messy , somewhere somehow it will find you noone escapes that cause thats LIFE!
Be greatful and be humble take little for granted as you can, it takes work I know I struggle with it myself but sometimes I pray and thank my higher power for what I have and don't have and sometimes I am just greatful to be greatful , and i often cry for that.
A ver valuable line from the Text which I try to remember each and every day "are we judging pur insides by the outside appearances of others ?" one of the most firghtening things in my addiction was to walk down the street and think everyone knew what I was thinking,,,,,, crazy as heck !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
and hey buddy scot, isee you playing the guitar,,, keep trhat up,, in my own experience in recovery music playing has healed and released amny suconcious things that other things like just talking or thinking about em couldnt resolve,, i see it as te Right Brain to the Rescue !! when logic and reson fail to give me understanding,,intution and esp will !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
when logic and reson fail to give me understanding,,intution and esp will !!
Well put, Raman. That's why they say in 12-step fellowships that recovery doesn't happen through an intellectual awakening, but through an awakening of a spirit
I read the IP Recovery & Relapse this morning, and one thing that struck me while reading it is where it says that the healing therapy that takes place in NA between one addict and another is not at the apparent symptoms, but at a deeper level of our emotions and our feelings.
So true. For me, even at meetings, when I tried to share on a mental level, I have sensed a lack of healing as a result. When I just poured out from within my heart, bare all my feelings and emotions, the magic happens
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
When I was in a FOG for 28 years I didn't feel or care about anyone else. I didn't have to share in others pain. I only SAT in ME ME ME ME.
In Sobriety since I married we have gone through my disabilities of 20 plus years, my husbands lost 4 jobs the last one he was out of work 4 months in 13 years, we spent all our savings, 401k, and so on, he has diabetes 2, had cancer with a finger amputated
my Son got in trouble at 15 he is now 22. Our home has been shot at, he's been to juvy, jail, rehabs, streets, jail, rehab, private schools. We spent a ton on Attorneys to no avail.
My sponsor died from brain cancer at 49. Then I got hurt in my 10 year home Church and had to leave.
My Dad has had cancer, Mom has had a stroke, my sisters gone through a divorce.
My brothers in Prison for the millionth time and my older sister is still drinking at almost 60.
I can't walk for any period of time without severe pain. I'm not a baby but that's a fact! And GOD help me I don't want to be like this anymore either. But if it be GOD's devine will so be it. We deal with the cards we are dealt and count our Blessings.
This is "LIFE," it isn't easy and it isn't supposed to be easy. But God promises to be with us every step of the way. That is Comforting to me. In my life I have had more pain and suffering thrown at me drinking and using than I ever have Sober.
Sobriety, honesty, trustworthyness are all honerable things for a youngman or woman to strive for. Go learn from the winners and watch from the ones that you would most like to be like. "A ROLE MODEL".
It is a good share Scott and good to hear from you. Looks like all is going pretty good for you. I am really glad that you have stayed clean. You have been in alot of close call situations. Good for you.
kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
