Well I won't say I am sorry because it happened for a reason Manon.

You say you struggle with it means there is something unsettling inside of you and sometimes hate to say a relapse shows us what that is, it's eye opening.
I do suggest that you find it quickly though, what that thing is inside because the grip of addiction will take hold of you again and this time you may not escape as you did before, ALIVE.


But bless your heart I know you want to be clean and sober, sober minded we aren't LOL even at our best theres that little quirky insanity that lies in some of us, that alone is unsettling we learn to deal with it we learn not to put what others think of us so high,it's more about what we think about ourselves Manon.


HOW does this work? honesty is on top of the list you have what it takes Manon you blazed a trail in your recovery this is only a step back in order to move forward and one you need to look deeeply and honestly at you are asking the questions to yourself out loud I hear you, I relate and the bottom line is you don't want what you had you just want something more something different then you did have, peace and calm, serenity.

When  relapsed on my drugs of choice cocaine and alcohol that night I drank a whole botte, fifth of Tangeri gin by morning I went and got another fifth I smoked $400 dollars worth of crack, I was able to talk to my spiritual sponsor and she talke me down and got me to dump out what was left and get my ass back to working on recovery I am so thankful that I stopped then, 19 months later, you can do it Manon I know you have the desire grab your boots pull yourself up and try again.


This is one thing I found the next day after relapsing that I hung onto,

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. "
Theodore  Roosevelt

If you relapsed, sh!t happens, don't beat yourself up. If you are like me, you done enough of that for a lifetime.

As for your feeling unwelcome at NA, I look at those feelings as my higher power testing me. Have I given myself over to not being in control? Did the chairperson not call on me on purpose? Are those people not talking to me, but to themselves, cause they don't like me? Can anyone here even relate to a 51 year old male dumped by his wife?

Bad feelings are like events they are going to happen, no one said recovery is easy. But your acceptance must from/ and come from within.

(((((NA Hugs to Rayne)))))

For me, it was never a relapse that took my recovery away, it was my giving up on NA and the fellowship that pulled me away many a times from experiencing recovery.

Relapsing, or stumbling and falling down, is not the point. That we all do from time to time. But it's my getting up and start walking again along with others in NA that empowers me. I realized that there is a great strength, a virtue, that comes into play even in the midst of a relapse. Everytime I relapse, I can't help but share it with other people in my life. Doing this demanded great courage, honesty and willingness, but I did it. And so did you Rayne

Doing so allows us to get back to recovery, we give ourselves a permission to not continue using just because we slipped once. A relapse is not a sign of complete failure and long periods of physical abstinence is not success as most of us tend to perceive. My Counselor told me after one such relapse, "Never feel guilty because you relapsed because these feelings of guilt and shame are what will enable you to continue using and to shut away your desire to stay clean."

She also told me to look at it in a positive way. A relapse can expose all that has been wrong in one's life if an inventory is taken. I identified to the point everything, including all areas of my life - my thought life, my emotional life, my social life, my physical and spiritual being, my attitude, my behavior - everything that could have led me to a relapse. What a blessing it was. My last relapse gave me something that I never wanted to have before - A Sponsor and the Steps

Recovery, as experienced through the Twelve Steps, is our goal, not just physical abstinence.

I was also told by my Counselor that I would make it eventually. When I asked why she thought so, she said that I kept coming back no matter how many times I relapsed, and that that's a sign of a winner

Dear Justme,

Hi my names "Blessed" ( Pam) and I am a Recovering Alcoholic, Addict. I read what you said about the program. I myself go to A.A. for meetings. However, I felt comfortable in both programs because they both work if you work the program like they are written. For me I had to stay focused on just one thing "MY RECOVERY." I couldn't even speak to my family for a year I was too sick and so are they.

I still go through highs and lows. But I don't pick up a drink not for today. Don't beat yourself up it's over. So now you start again!

We have to fall sometimes to grow into what GOd has planned for us. He wants us to be like him. HE LOVES YOU! Please remember that! It says in another book of importance that I read that each of us were formed in our Mother's Womb before the Foundation of the Earth.

So I can't help but think that he is going to get you through this and build you into an even bigger, stronger, healthier human being than before. You know?

My prayers are with you and your family. I truly hope that you will see what a valuable person you are. To your online friends and everyone else in your life that has met you and never said anything to you. May you here and feel how much your loved.

Love Blessed ( Pam)

Justme, you relapsed. Same for me, relapsed several times. I think it takes some of us a while to understand how bad we look from the main part of society. When I was using, I thought I was kind of normal, but when I really look back on what I have done it is bad. I can't think of one really good thing I did when I was using. Keep coming back Justme, it gets hard sometimes but NA is good and the people are fantastic. We really do care about what happens to you.

kenh.

-- Edited by justme at 01:35, 2008-02-14

Don't get to confused Manon " To thy OWN SELF BE TRUE " it's not that hardand it's ok what you find and your going to go a lot further in that acceptance then if you deny it.

Love You Girl, like a brother ;)

there is no confusion today is day one I stayed drunk most of the day yesterday today is my first day clean I have been trying to get a hold of my sponsor unsuccessfully of course was needing her help but I am defenitly in need of being loved

Did you make some meetings this weekend?

It took me a few relapses also to get myself together and focusing on what is important. I hope that I had my last ever replapse. I like you am feeling stronger than ever about staying clean.

kenh

4 i think

How you doing Manon I hope all is well and your clean ?