My father is well known where I come from, let's say that he's the 'mayor'... so when I was in my cups I would sometimes end up on the front page of the newspaper. I wasn't always in the right, but I wasn't always in the wrong either. One time I simply went to my local, drank myself silly because a good mate of mine had died suddenly of cardiac arrest,  I made an ass of myself in front of my younger sisters friends. She tried to get me into the car, I told her l where to go. I ended up sitting in the dirt while her friends calmed me down . Someone took a picture with their cell phone cam and sold it to the papers.

On a visit home one weekend after completion of Primary and secondary treatment and was living in a Halfway house in Johannesburg with other recovering addicts (was about 4 plus months clean), I was asked to talk to someone who hangs in the same circle of people I used to hang with. I explained to my friends that I was in no position to be 'preaching' to anyone else. I returned to Johannesburg; and at the regular AA Big Book meeting I attended on Sundays, the topic was helping other addicts. We'd read Chapter 7 of the Big Book and then went around the room discussing it. This was some weeks after, I'd been asked to talk to Nolene. Person after person, said how they weren't ready to help another addict. However, the Chapter was clear; it is not my play to preach or criticise. To the addict who still suffers, you bring your own unique experience. If that person, doesn't want to stop drinking, don't waste your time trying to persuade him. And don't deal with that person when he or she is drunk. So when it came my turn to talk. I related my tail about my friend and how I'd refused to help, but now having gone through this chapter, I now felt that, - if I was to keep what I have, I'd have to give back.

When I went back to Botswana for good a month later I didn't seek her out. I felt that the opportunity would present itself. When I saw her, she was bombed or passed out. We talked about her drinking once. She said, she needed to talk to me, and I said "You have my number and you know where to find me". She never did call. She has a six month old car that looks 16 years old, because she'd drive drunk and had accidents all the time. Two weeks ago she sideswiped another car and ended up in a ditch. She was unhurt. The driver of the other  car didn't involve the police.  Another friend who has been to rehab went and talked to her, but he talked to her at a party and she was drunk. He was upset, because bets were being made as to how long it would be, before she passed out. It was agreed between her female friends that I would talk to her the following Tuesday. All I asked was that she Not be drunk. Claire said to me, "I'll tell her to come to my house after work. You drop by at quarter past 5". I was there. I waited half an hour and neither of them showed up. i phoned Claire repeatedly and she didn't pick up her phone. At half past eight I went to buy cigarettes at the pub owned by Claire's husband and they were sitting at the bar drinking, Claire signalled to me to come over. I didn't think there was any point. I asked her how much she'd had to drink. She admitted to being an alcoholic, but said she could give up on her own, I talked about my own experience. It was the first time I've done this so I know I did it badly but she became defensive in a short amount of time. She's also had a lot of people coming at her. I kept reminding her that hey, I'm an alcoholic. Then she said, actually I lied, I'm drunk and I don't want to effefing talk about this anymore. And went to sit with Claire and keep drinking.

They next day, I called our friend Charl, the one whose also been to hab, because I was furious with Claire. He feels the same way. There are all these people around Nolene, who bitch and moan about what a drunk she is. What an irresponsible mother. Bet on when she's going to pass out. But don't hesitate to order her another drink. Let her drive drunk. So we agreed between us that enough was enough and if we didn't do something she was going to end up dead and we were willing to put up the money ourselves but we'd have to involve her family. I called her former fiance, who she still lives with and asked for her brother's number... and told him I thought the behaviour of our 'friends was 'appalling'. It embarrassed him, he called her sister himself and told her how bad it was, and she went to a detox centre last week. She called and said, she now realises she has to give up for good.

I have a cousin, who is in trouble. I promised my family I would start taking him to AA meetings (that's all that's available here). When I go down to Johannesburg I mostly do NA. They want him to commit to that before they'll pay for rehab in South Africa. There's a lot of family politics around that issue. But I owe my uncle and my aunt. They have been more than good to me.

I have another friend who is losing his way. is coke habit is taking over his life. Do I pretend i don't see it. Or do I say babe. Don't do this to yourself? Life after substances holds so much promise. Because I do love him and it kills me to watch him do this too himself.

I'm in court this week. A DUI (Driving under the influence charge) from 2006 - the case dragged a) because I was in rehab (no that was not mandated by the court) and b) in Botswana, successfully having completed rehab doesn't stand you in any sort of stead and c) the prosecutor asked for a postponement due to a family emergency. what's the worst that could happen. My drivers license could be suspended for two years. I've dealt with it on an emotional level which is the most important thing. If it happens, so be it.

I've also been admitted to study mandarin and  do my MA in Political Science and the three universities of my choice in Shanghai and am supposed to be working on my thesis outline/studyplan. Only due end April, but with all this other stuff on my plate I haven't started yet.

After having written you that long long long and bring story. I suppose, what I'm getting at it's one thing to do a Chapter 7 and give back, you know. But relapse, well, it's a tricky dicky isn't it. You take your eye off the ball. You stop watching yourself or thinking you know it all or have all the answers, then you're as good as gone. Dead in the water. Do I come across that way to you. Have I lost focus on my own recovery? Have I forgotten to be grateful? I used to be scared all the time, and all of a sudden the fear is gone. It's replaced by nervousness, mild anxiety, but I'm not holding myself in as tightly as I used to. Don't get me wrong. I don't go pub crawling. But I don't want to get arrogant. Has my self will run riot and if so what do I do about it. In terms, of other addicts, I'm aware I cannot help them alone, they need professional help, But please remind me not to make a career of seeking out the 'addict in need'.