nites are lonely,,

Raman · Guru

nites are lonely,,

Tahir · Member

((((((((((NA Hugs to Raman))))))))))

Blithe Spirit · Senior Member

and hugs

BigV · Senior Member

Raman I can so relate I was in a 2-1/2 year long distance relationship with a gal who was 1,800 miles away, in that time I saw her 5 times, I hung in there to the biter end and yes it turned biter in the end.

But It gave me and opportunity to see many many of my character weekeness's especially dealing with powerlessness.

I am now once again in a long distance relationship, it didn't start this way but just after meeting her she moved out of town and this is back again, WHY?

My only thought has to be God gives me what i can handle , period, I may not like the idea or reason but there is a purpose for this, I know and have to accept.

I got really upset last week when she told me she would be interviewing for a job that may end up keeping her where she's at, so upset I broke off the relationship, WHy because once again powerlesness creeped its way back into my life and the big baby Vini wasn't getting what he wanted and expected, I relapsed partly over this defect last time after over 5 years abstinant and I wasn't about to repeat that part of my life.

So calming down I came to the conclusion the only thing I have power over is myself not others or certain situations and maybe some good will come out of this that I haven't seen yet, I asked her forgiveness and please take me back LOL.

She's now going to interview for a job next week that pays 5 times what i make a year painting so maybe I will end up with a sugar momma LOL, I can quit my job move there with her I can gold prospect full time, i have the feeling I could find more gold then she makes in a year working only a few months out of the year, thats my dream now HEH HEH...

Raman · Guru

yeah Vini,, great share buddy,,,
thanks for the identification.
sometimes ,in moments of Quietness,, in my heart of hearts I know what i deserve, and thats what i get !!!
but acceptance of that takes some doing !hugs back to Tahir and Blithe !!!

justme · Veteran Member

I understand being lonely they say this too shall pass so know in your heart you are not alone there are always at least one other that is in your shoes with you
love me

Raman · Guru

thanks Rayne;;God knows I hope this too shall pass soon,,,

BigV · Senior Member

I got really upset about my girl staying where she is that was not what was discussed when she moved away she said she'd be back, Now I have great doubts but I have to accept that and not try to see my way into the future.

For some reason I get really bent when I look ahead and see what Idon't want to see but then I am so blinded that I don't look at other possibilitys, like maybe me moving isn't such a bad thing where she really wants to live is rural and honestly gorgeous country.

I get afraid I won't have the good job I have and packing all my stuff up and starting over some place unknown but here I am in this little apartment with no yard for my animals to run and play in my job kinda sucks anyhow in more then a few ways and its holding me down from moving forward with my own business.

Theres more to see but it just takes time and patience , God will reveal more later to the whole purpose of things I suppose its always worked that way for me in the past!!!

Raman · Guru

great share Vini,,
thanks, you put words to many feelings i had but wasnt able to decipher yet ,,,
Now i hope you wont mind me saying this buddy,, but let me say this anyway=
id jump at half a chance like that,,
my understanding is we dont get younger and all,,
and when love comes knocking we dont want to say
:hey im busy,, come back later,,, better still Ill call you when its convenient:

I for one have been very complacent in love,,,ive lost many chances and those times of loves appearances are getting longer apart !!!
now i got a love going,,not knowing where it goes,,
but still filled with hope for the future,,
God has Blessed you in your recovery,,,GO FOR IT,,, id say,,,id do if i were you !!
Eternal Love and Light ,,in the 12 Step Tradition !!!
one very profound thing i read yesterday
*were never sure if what we are doing is a subconcious wish to return to using or is a part of recovery*
so i suppose thats what we need to really figure !!!

BigV · Senior Member

I hear you Raman have it better then I know but i may have already lost something I had with her, not that it's too late to repair the damage just going to have to work on it and turn it over too.

Thanks Brother always good words from you.

Raman · Guru

am i too late ?
to make amends ?
werent we supposed to more than just friends ?
together again, when we disagree
acceptable to what degree ?
so we arent in fear,
but healthy and free
no guilt no self doubt
cast the apprehensions and resentments out
theres a time to love and a time to leave,
what will you do my dear ?
when i again start my pet peeve ?
emotions cleaned
like going thru a sieve
then we come out the other side
and heave a sigh of relief !!
either near or far
ill always love you with all my heart
and remember the good things we had
and not the "bad "things that drove me mad,
in our parting of ways i will be sad,
i could have kept this good tyhing going
if i had not acted like a cad .
Please forgive me !!!

Raman · Guru

Vini,,
that above verse is whats in my own heart now,, in relation to my babe !!
God Knows Whats Next !!!!
My fondest hope is that what follows is recovery,,
either which way things go,
I know my prayer and meditations for Guidance will take me further along recovery !!
So help me God
Take my will and my life
guide me in my recovery
show me how to live !!
clen and serene for the rest of my life,,
just for today on a daily basis !!!

Blessed · Veteran Member

Dear Raman,

Your poems are different than the other gentlemans. But they are just as good and you are just as "GIFTED."

I hope that it is Alright to share a Story from the Word. I have a reason.

One of my favorite books is in the Bible and taken from the Psalms. David ( King David) He spoke from the HEART in all of his songs and prayers. Like you are doing in yours. Do you know the story of David and Bathsheba. When he commited adultry with her and sinned against God. God loved David, he was known as a Man after God's own Heart.

In Psalm 51 David had commited adultry with Bathsheba so he wrote this to GOD. Psalm 51:10-11 Create in me a pure Heart O' GOD and renew a right Spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

David not only commits adultry but he has Bathshebas husband sent out on the front lines to be killed. That way he can have the gorgeous Bathsheba. He had 300 wives and I don't know how many concubines but that still wasn't enough for David. He takes Bathsheba as his wife but God is HOLY and can't be around Sin. There first born died. There is more to the story and I Thank you for letting me share it.

Poetry, Music, Art are GIFTS that GOD gives us plus there are many many other types of GIFTS. We all have them.

I see the picture of you and a horn of some sort. I am not a musician myself so I apologize for not knowing what type of horn it is. You have been given another blessing to use.

You are in my prayers.

Blessed

Tahir · Member

Well said Raman when you shared above about going for love all the way, about following the heart...

I have read in a scripture where God says, "Choose me, only me, above everything else, and the rest shall be given unto you..."

It took me many years to understand what that meant, and when I felt and experienced love for another in my life and had to take a decision, having to choose between all the reasons that my mind gave me not to go ahead and what's undeniably gushing out of my heart as if it was a life-force of it's own and a pure one at that - at that moment these words that God said became crystal clear to me. When I chose love, only love, above everything else, surely, the rest IS being given unto me as HE sees fit

And yes, all those rationalizations and the reasons that my mind projected in this context trying to instil fear, none of them came true till this day, purely by my Higher Power's grace, and the wisdom to know the difference that my HP blessed me with, through each of the 12 Steps...

There's nothing as powerful a divine energy through which the Higher Power flows as LOVE! When I feel love, love another, and allow myself to be loved, that's when I feel one with the Spirit as a whole...

Raman · Guru

Thanks Blessed,, theres wisdom !!
Thanks Tahir,,
yes it is my hope that the mutual atraction we have been in isnt going to fade away due to situations,,
Im so willing to travel now and then and visit ther with her,, so is my beloved after all.
But this horrendous attitude of the First World(no offence to y all in US ,UK recovering addicts,, just my agony)
towards us like we want to do mischief ther or we want to emigrate ther,,, etc..
have they all any idea how wonderfull developed Inida actually is,, its a billion people consumer base,,, the First world has taken us for granted..
they also say we Indians amy carry disease to their lands,,
but pray form where did aids,hepatitis,gonherrea etc. come into India ??
also take many of the addictive stuff like alcohol etc,,
take even the latest craze drugs,,, where do they come from ??
The white world has a ridiculous attitude to India,,
and please dear brothers and sisters of our Wonderful Forum,,,
I MEAN NO OFFENCE,,IM IN SOUND MIND AND IM ONLY TRYING TO SHARE FEELINGS OF HURT,FRUSTRATION AND RESENTMENT AND DISHONOUR ,,, MY ONLY SIN MAYBE THE COLOUR OF MY SKIN.
YOU ALL HERE HAVE BEEN MY LIGHTHOUSE IN RECOVERY,,BUT IF I DID NOT SHARE THESE NEGATIVES WITH YOU,,, I MAY DOING INJUSTICE TO THE HONESTY PRINCIPLE.
IM CERTAIN YOU WILL NOT JUDGE OR CONDEMN ME,
PLEASE DONT,,
BUT PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT WE IN INDIA HAVE A VERY DIFFICULT TIME EVEN IN RECOVER
WE HAVE NO SOCIAL SECURITY TO HELP US THE FIRST YEAR CLEAN AND SO ON,
WE CANNOT TRAVEL FREELY OVER THE WORLD SO AS TO VISIT OTHER NA COMMUNITIES,,
WE CALL IT A PILGRIMAGE HERE, TO VISIT A HOLY LAND OR THE PLACE WHERE THE PRINCIPLES WE FOLLOW IN OUR DAILY LIVES COME FROM. I CANNOT IMAGINE BEING A FREE TRAVELLER IN THE US,, EVEN THO IM A MILLIONARE BY US STANDARDS,
IMAGINE MY HEARTS DESIRE TO VISIT THE LAND OF BIRTH OF THE 12 STEP TRADITION,,
BUT FOR THAT I HAVE TO FACE MANY HUMILIATING MOMENTS LIKE ASKING FOR A SPONSOR TO SHOW THEIR BANK DETAILS,,,, AND MOST HUMILIATING IS TO PROVE MY BONAFIDES,,
I HAVE A FAMILY,FORTUNE,FAME,AND PROPERTY TO COME BACK TO,,, BUT WILL STILL BE DENIED A VISA,, ESPECIALLY IF I HAD TO SAY IM A RECOVERING ADDICT...
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THIS OUTBURST,, HOWEVER I HOPE IT WILL AWAKEN YOU LOVELY FOLKS TO THE REALITY I LIVE IN.
AND MOST OF ALL,,,PLEASE,PLEASE AND PLEASE,,, I EVEN BEG YOU,, DONT HATE ME FOR WHAT I SHARED,, THAT HATE MAY WELL KILL YOU !!
I REALLY WISH SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO TRAVEL TO THE HOLY LAND OF THE RECOVERING ADDICT NA MEMBER,, THE US,,AND VISIT VARIOUS NA COMMUNITIES THERE,
AND HOPEFULLY ALSO VISIT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IF YOU WANT ME TO COME YOUR WAY AND GIVE YOU ALL A GREAT BIG HUG AND THANK YOU PERSONALLY.
I ALSO HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART TOO BE ABLE TO VISIT MY SWEETHEAR IN HER LAND,,,MEET HER AND LOVE HER ALL THE WAY !!
HOPE TOSE DREAMS DO COME TRUE IN MY RECOVERY !!
GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US IN OUR RECOVERY,,, THE NA WAY !!!

Raman · Guru

IM SORRY FOR THE MANY TYPING AND SPELLING MISTAKES,,
I TYPE TOO FAST ,DONT USE SPELL CHECK ETC,,

Raman · Guru

MY DEAR BROTHERS AND SISITERS OF THIS WONDERFUL FORUM,,,,,
PLEASE KNOW WELL YE ALL THAT I,,,
S.RAMAN IYER,,,
RECOVERING ADDICT IN 12 STEPS OF NA WORLDWIDE
DO HEREBY STATE THAT MY LOVE IS COLOUR BLIND !!
I BELIEVE THAT TRU THE 12 STEP TRADITION OF OUR INCREDIBLE FELLOWSHIP OF NA WORLDWIDE,,
IVE BEEN WASHED CLEAN OF ANY PREJUDICES AND RACIST FEELINGS I MAY HAVE HAD PREVIOUSLY,,,,
AS THE YEARS GO BY AND IM WITNESS TO MORE AD MORE MIRACLES IN MINE AND OTHERS LIVES AROUNG ME,,
IVE COME TO COMPLETELY BELIEVE THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME,,,
ADDICTION MAKES US ONE OF A KIND,,
TOTAL LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU ALL !!!

-- Edited by Raman at 04:46, 2008-02-12

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