Outside the days are short and often dark. The land is wet and most of the old leaves and fruit have fallen and are rotting back into the Earth. I know that the Earth is preparing for rebirth, but slowly, there's no hurry, there's time to rest a while before the busy cycle begins again. I feel that I too have time to rest and I shift my focus from outer achievements to the world within. I look back and I reflect.
At this time I prepare my inner soil so that I create the best possible conditions for the seeds of my future growth. This means clearing out the weeds, clearing out the old beliefs, old patterns and old fears. I no longer want them! I dig them up and visualize them piled into a hot steamy comp0st heap. I throw them all on - all the beliefs I have carried for so long that say I am not good enough, not heard, not understood, not valued, all those that say I am in the wrong. I no longer need them! I laugh with the joy of it! All the old unwanted parts of myself are breaking up and breaking down and forming nutritious new soil for my new seeds! I forgive myself for all the missed opportunities of the past, all the moments I could have handled better, the times I could have been more thoughtful, more loving, more centered. I accept my past, I accept myself as I am, right now, doing my best, in this moment. And I move on with gratitude in my heart.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"It was the night of my weekly recovery group," a woman said to me. "I had to make myself attend the meeting. We had a guest speaker from out of town, and everyone had been buzzing about this speaker for weeks.
"Oh, Corky's coming. Have you heard about Corky? Don't miss the meeting; Corky will be there to talk that night. He's the best. I was so sick of hearing about Corky. I didn't know who he was, and I didn't care. I just couldn't stomach all this gushing. By the time I got to the meeting, the only chair open was right next to Corky. I was so turned off and disgusted. I just couldn't stand all this naive raving.
"I sat through the meeting. Barely heard a word this guy said. At the end of the meeting, when it came time to hold hands and say the prayer, I couldn't stand the thought of putting my hand in his. But I did.
"When I got home from attending the group that evening, my husband asked me how it went. So I told him the whole story, about Corky, about everyone being so excited this guy was coming to town, about my decision not to be involved with this idolization of some stupid guy named Corky.
"Don't you know who that is?" my husband said. I told him the only thing I knew was that he went by the nickname Corky. My husband pointed to the stack of books at my bedside - all written by the same author. My favorite author in the entire world.
"It's him, my husband said, It's the guy you read every night. Corky is just his nickname. I felt this wave of horror go through me. I had wanted to meet this guy for years. I loved his mind. I loved his work. And here I had sat right next to him - even held his hand - and I hadn't even heard a word he said or appreciated the opportunity I had to meet him.
"I've seen him around a few times since that night," my friend added. "I haven't had the courage to tell him my story yet. Maybe someday I will. Until then, I'm working hard to remember the lesson of that night; keep an open mind or you might miss something or someone really valuable in your life."
Closing our mind and our heart can cause us to lose a lot more than a chance to meet someone we revere. We can miss the true beauty and wisdom in people who at first glance look ordinary. We can miss opportunities and ideas that could change our lives. We can overlook danger signs. And sometimes, we can embarrass ourselves.
We can call it dropping our assumptions or judgments, staying aware, or keeping an open mind. Whatever words we use to describe this state, that's the value this week.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you for that share. It is so true. Many things can slip by us when we think negatively or judge things to quickly. I am glad that I read this today. It will make my day a whole lot better.
Thanks, kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
