We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
Great reading, I could relate with most of it, being in a 12 step fellowship for coupleship recovery for around 2 years now. These hooks are called "baiting" a defect of character that is a perfect way of manipulating one's spouse and seducing them into a dysfunctional game of fixing oneself through the other Been there, done that... lol...
Thank God, me and my wife found this 12-step fellowship where we could identify, break these patterns, work out healthy tools and principles instead in those situations. Freedom from codependency has always made my life look very simple, as if the defects of worrying and fearing have been rendered powerless. Practising detachment leads me to more personal integrity, respect for self and for my spouse for what we are...
(((((JC))))) thanks for all this wonderful wisdom that you post here. Helps me remember these principles on daily basis and to ground my recovery in these principles more effectively. Glad we have you. Keep them coming my friend NA Hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Been there, done that... lol...
