Good question, Powerless.

I was surprised when I was told that each of the individuals in a relationship bring an epic, dysfunctional patterns and roles from their family-of-origin into a relationship that could at times create havoc.

By family-of-origin issues I mean what we have seen other people say and do in their relationships while growing up, right from the childhood till the present. The things we are told and the things that we might have read. The way we reacted to certain situations in context with our parents, brothers, sisters, in our ex-relationships etc. The decisions we took as a result of certain incidents that affected us deeply in the past, and the defensive responses we adapted as a result. The whole conditioning that we went through as a result of our past experiences of which some might also be healthy and advantageous ones, but the dsyfunctions that we picked up and continue to project into our current relationships is what creates a lot of problems.

How do I practically work on them now? The first thing I did was to identify these family-of-origin issues that are coming into play in my current relationships to my own and my relationship's disadvantage. For example, my constant nagging my wife when she breaks something at home or moves things from one place to another or my insistence to my wife that we take a particular route while driving down somewhere. I realized that these are what I picked up from my father inspite of despising it whenever he did that to me. But I was so conditioned by exposure to this that I had inherited it as a part of my life, whether I like it or not.

As soon as I identified this to be a cause of many conflicts in my current relationship, I started working towards eliminating this aspect from my life. I admitted my powerlessness and opened my mind to a different approach at the above mentioned situations that my Higher Power would reveal to me. When my wife dropped something and broke it, I consciously started trying out a new and different approach saying "it's ok, don't worry, we can get a new one." When she could not keep all things in their places at home, I accepted it, and instead of expecting her to how I wanted her to be or blaming her for things not being in their place, I started putting things as much as I could in their places myself. I also identified that there could be some unreal, perfection-seeking behavior behind my wanting everything in it's place all the time and worked on this aspect within me. I started saying it's ok that things are a bit scattered or out-of-place at times, that everything's as it should be. When we went out for errands, I stopped insisting on my way, and instead relaxed, surrendered and opened myself to our way acknowledging the fact that we are TWO people and that the differences in my wife could be perceived advantageously to complement our relationship.

Now, this is just one example. There were many other past-baggage issues that I needed to identify within me, break their pattern by adapting to new attitudes and perceptions, and this is possible through applying the steps, especially, the first three practically. There are questions and inventories available on this important issue, I have worked on them, again and again, and followed directions from these inventories. My wife also has done her part in identifying her own dysfunctions/past baggages and working towards eliminating them in the same way. But it begins with me, when I work on my part. If you want these questions and further guidance/insights on how to work on these questions/inventory, you are welcome to mail me at polartorch@yahoo.co.in

I would be glad to pass on what works for me. All the best in your stepwork and your recovery endeavors. Very inspiring. Keep the miracle alive. NA Hugs & Fellowship Love.