I try very hard not to go to the rooms and dump my garbage, but I am so confused and aggravated. My sponsor told me a while back that if I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about everything then I might want to think about getting a new sponsor with whom I could open up. I thought about that for a couple of weeks and opened up to her about an issue I've been dealing with. When I did she told me that it was an outside issue and she didn't want to talk with me about it. She said that what I am going through is using, I'm just not putting the dope in. She told me that when I'm through she will talk with me about it, but what I am doing is morally wrong and unspiritual. I was very angry with her because I felt judged, but she didn't say anything I hadn't already told myself. I called her last week and told her that I was stopping the behavior we had discussed and she told me that I can't. She said the only reason I am stopping is because I'm people-pleasing and unless I want to stop because the pain is great enough to do something different, I won't be able to stop for good. So I am supposed to continue the behavior until I get ready to stop it. I am so confused. I just finished my sixth step and she wants me to wait before going onto my seventh step and do a mini-fourth step on this issue and take an inventory. I don't know how to do a mini fourth step. I am so confused. My immediate reaction was to find a new sponsor, but I know it's not her...it's me. I am the problem today. She is my third sponsor in 19 months. I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong or what I'm supposed to do. Any experience, strength and hope would be appreaciated. Grateful to be here and grateful to be clean.
I agree with Wendy 100%. I might have tried to be more "diplomatic" than your sponsor has been but then, again, perhaps she can see if you're in denial about the self-destructive behavior. :)
I am pretty old-fashioned, I think. If you haven't picked up a drug, you are not using. So please focus on the positives - you are CLEAN TODAY you HAVE A CHOICE TODAY. Yes, self-destructive behavior is part of our addiction and I think your sponsor has the right idea. She is just delivering some very tough love. Maybe that's what you need - you and she would know that best and you've admitted you have already told yourself the things she's telling you. So.......
I also believe that, as long as you don't use, you CAN make the right choices. No such thing as CAN'T in my book.
I think it is very interesting that this is coming at the juncture between your 6th and 7th Steps. I had the same dilemma!
"We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." The operative words here are "entirely ready." Perhaps your sponsor doesn't see your readiness - it is her role in your recovery to take your inventory by observation of your overall behavior and progress in LIFE, not just in the rooms. You *think* in your head that you're ready but the change comes from your heart.
You say you've stopped the behavior. GREAT! But it just doesn't magically go away and the willingness to CHANGE INSIDE so it doesn't repeat itself (in the same or other ways) doesn't just magically happen. Like using, you must MAKE A CHOICE on a daily basis, not to engage in the behavior. The "mini 4th Step" on this particular issue is a wonderful way to go back to the basics you learned doing your 4th and 5th Steps so you become "entirely ready" about this thing.
A mini 4th Step is not "going backwards." Recovery is a process and we find often that we think we've taken one step forward and then we seem to take two steps back! That's OKAY! So you sit down and review this issue in your heart, using your own personal communication with your Higher Power, and do a 3rd Step on it - make a decision to turn your will and life over to His care. Then start writing your personal inventory about this thing - pages of dumping garbage, you know - all the justifications and rationalizations for the behavior, pages of blaming other people for the problem or for causing the problem. Then read that stuff back to yourself. THEN WRITE MORE. I bet that mini 4th Step will come easier after you read what you've written!
Write about each and every time you can remember when you engaged in this behavior - both when you were using and since you've been in recovery. Write about the consequences you've suffered because of it. Write about the pain you've felt because of it. Read that back to yourself. Are you discovering yet the "exact nature" of the behavior? Are you seeing what about YOUR "exact nature" has created this character flaw in you?
All this frees you of your denial (assuming there is some) and begins to heal this symptom of your disease. Then when you feel you are finished with the entire inventory of this issue, take it to your sponsor and do a 5th Step with her on it.
THEN, you will start to feel that you are "entirely ready" to have God remove this character flaw. The other operative words of the 6th Step - "have God remove." This means to me that just stopping a behavior is ME doing it, not letting God remove it. There's a delicate balance here - it's a 2-way process. I take the ACTION while I allow my HP to help me spiritually. Can't have one without the other! Faith without works is dead.
At that point, perhaps your sponsor will help you recognize if you have done a completely self-honest inventory on this behavior issue and how you are doing on your 6th Step. When you are ready to take Step 7, she can guide you. Meanwhile, please don't worry or beat yourself up. The 6th Step can take the longest of all the Steps to get through. Not coincidentally, it falls right in the MIDDLE of the 12 Steps. It is the major Step of growth - not just a Step away from using, but a Step into becoming a whole person, not just an addict who no longer uses drugs.
Let us know how you're doing. In fellowship, myra s. {hugs}
This is a pic of 4000 pages of inventory burning !! My sponsor of that time about 15 years ago got me to write all about myself,, whatever I could remember,,, i did.
It tok me well close to two years of writing 5 days a week,, 20 mins a day,, and recording my thoughts and feeling s in incidents and events of my life till then !! I was frustrated previously when i tried a short cut and he didnt accept that ! This day im glad he sood firm and asked me to write again,, hed said "the 4th Step is a Tranformational possiblity for life on earth hereafter,,youd be well advised to go thru this !!" I glad i did !!! i wrote each and every thing of my life and history !! two yearsin te writing of that well spent,,, a addict like me had to make that effort to saty lean and recover !!!
First off I think that this is a great place to come and get people to cosign your sh*t and if that is what your looking for, that is what you'll find.
I have to totaly disagree with having more than one sponsors because of the reasons stated in our liturature.
"Sometimes members wonder whether it would be okay to have more than one sponsor. While some addicts do choose this route, most caution against it, explaining that having more than one sponsor might tempt them to be manipulative in order to get the answers or guidance they are looking for." IP #11 Revised
Now with that said, I do have many people in my network that I use and call on a regular basis to help me with issuses that I have.
As experience has shown in my recovery, when I feel "confused and frustrated" I am trying to control something that I have no control over. I find it neccessary to take a look at what I am not willing to surrender to, or who's will am I not willing to have direct my life.
At one point in my recovery, I felt like my sponsor wanted me to turn my will and my life over to the care of him, not God. Simply, I thanked him for guiding as far as he did and told him that I needed to make a change.
I have also realized that for me, when I see that I am having dificulties with a particular step, I do need to take a look at how thorough I was on the previous ones.
Just a thought, and you said it, "I am the problem today. She is my third sponsor in 19 months."
Maybe that needs to be looked at first? May God be in your choices. John
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When I truly believe in something, there will be no need to convince everyone else.
If I was you, I would express all that you have shared above with us to my Sponsor himself/herself, be open in my communication. I have found that it's equally important that I express to my Sponsor what's happening within me in context of my sponsor or sponsorship itself. I have always done that, and have encouraged my sponsees to practise that with me too. That's how I learn and grow into a better recovering person and more aware Sponsor.
I have a similar kind of an experience where when I changed a Sponsor, my Sponsor asked me about an update of my stepwork with my previous sponsor. I suggested that we start from a particular step since I had just completed the previous step with my ex-sponsor. He agreed. Then after some days, I felt I needed to go through the process of the entire stepwork again with my current sponsor, and expressed that I want to go through it all over again. He again agreed to it. Then I felt I must start from Step Four All this confusion was within me, nothing to do with my Sponsor. I realize today that the best thing to do is to just open my mind to what my Sponsor has to say, surrender to those suggestions and follow them to see where it leads me to. Doing so has always been rewarding where I learnt and was able to see those things that I could not have possibly seen before following those directions.
Also, if I did not know what my Sponsor meant by a short-4th step, I would ask him/her what he/she means and how to go about it. I don't need to know anything about stepwork beforehand. That's why a Sponsor is for, to guide us as to what steps are, how to go about stepwork etc. I get a feeling that what your sponsor probably suggested would have been to apply Step Four on this issue before attempting Steps Six and Seven. Applying Step Four in my daily life, especially over some big goof ups in my recovery has been a very important and rewarding part of my recovery. Having gone through the process of answering questions of Step Four in a particular format regarding various issues, overtime, I developed an ability through practice to mentally ask those questions to myself in the context of the present issue at hand and to answer them. This I call a spot-fourth-step inventory that helps me look at my role in the issue at hand in a very honest and diligent manner. However, there are some deeper issues or crises that take place in recovery that demand that I do them in writing, question-by-question as in the format, only those questions that are part of Step Four in inventorying the type of issue that I'm going through. And this doing with the help of a Sponsor led me to know exactly why I'm doing it, and why it's in such a format, what do I gain through answering various questions, the whole process connects and brings about awareness on a whole new level as to the exact nature of the situation, of my part in the situation. I wouldn't mind asking whatever questions that arose in me, no matter if they are silly or intelligent, and ask them again and again until I've come to an understanding.
Opening my mind, communicating my thoughts and feelings to my Sponsor, choosing to trust my Sponsor and the process, surrendering to my Sponsor's suggestions and become willing enough to follow these directions are very vital for me in working my program.
I suggest if I may that you also read the NA book Sponsorship. This book has a lot of great insights into our issues with Sponsors and Sponsees. It has helped me a lot and continues to guide me.
Hope this helps. Thanks Powerless for addressing a very important topic here, and in the process allow me to gain from many other members' experiences here at MIP
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It hard for me to comment on your situation since I don't really know you. I will say, however, that honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness go a long way.
With regard to having one or more sponsors, in NA the suggestion to have one sponsor is worth considering. It's been working well for us for many years. Having more than one can be confusing.
I am curious to know what you saw in your sponsor that made you want her as your sponsor. Do you remember?
"She told me that when I'm through she will talk with me about it, but what I am doing is morally wrong and unspiritual."
I don't know about anyone else here but I thought that I was here to learn about these things. How to see things that are "Morally Wrong & Unspiritual".. My question is... is it judgemental for someone to tell me what that means in MY life? What I beleive may not be or fit in someone else's life. The people I sponsor don't need me to FIX them, my job is to share my journey with them. I may point out concerns and back that up with experiences of myself and others but I will never get in the way of someone learning their own lessons their own way. If I do, I get to re experiance some of control issues and such of my own! I'd rather not redo some stuff in my Recovery!
Not all Sponsors know how to Sponsor. We all learn as we go. I hope you find someone that will support you in your journey. There are always two ways to look at our actions, as a Sponsor I have to be willing to live my life as I would have the people I Sponsor live theirs. I can't tell or suggest or want someone to do something I'm not willing to do myself. I work very hard not to judge what is "Morally Wrong & Unspiritual". It's not my place to say what that is in other's lives. And no one can tell me what that is in mine. I am the one hat has to live with me and my Spirit.
That's not to say that I don't want to yell at people sometimes! "If only you would do this MY way!" is how I feel when folks want and need to learn their own lessons. As a friend and Sponor I feel as if my job is to point out the harm if any that is being done, share my hurt I would feel about it and let the person make their own choices. If I stay around and in their lives whil they go thur that stuff then I come out of the sitution a better person.
I beleive that "When the student is ready, the teach will appear". Look for that teacher to be presented when you are ready to learn. You won't have to try and figure out if it is the right one. You'll be able to HEAR what they are saying!!!
for me, trusting my sponsor is an absolute essential. I understand "tough love" I need it. but if it comes from someone who hasn't earned my trust I don't necessarily see it as tough love designed for my benefit, I can see it as a self serving comment designed to benefit them. Or at least I may question the sincerity. Two sponsors would be the death of me. I would go to one and if i didn't get the answer I wanted I would go to the other. I have a very good friend who helped me find the rooms. I really love this guy and he would never steer me wrong. But he is my friend, not my sponsor. I did ask him, but even though he does sponsor new members, he said "no" to me. I was hurt briefly, but he explained that it would prolly wouldn't work and only ruin the great friendship we have. I have come to realize that he was right. I can get really angry with my sponsor. But I KNOW he is looking out for me. I agree with Katlady's last statement, and I wish I had her eloquence and humilty. when I asked my friend 'how do i pick a person to ask"? He said, "Don't worry about it, when you see him you'll know" It was the most faith based message I have yet to receive. Fortunately I was able to follow it. I learned that God will be there for me if I let him.
I remember T. my sponsor of then quoting a "rule"( ha,ha) from theose days= I CAN FIRE YOU BUT YOU CANT FIRE ME !! I cannot afford a "committee of sponsors" theres aledy a committe running in my head and cant afford another,,, so i appoint my sponsor as the Chairman of the committee in my head !!! (SMILE !!!!)
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
when I asked my friend 'how do i pick a person to ask"? He said, "Don't worry about it, when you see him you'll know" It was the most faith based message I have yet to receive. Fortunately I was able to follow it. I learned that God will be there for me if I let him.
Here here... Right on Avid, thanks for sharing that... NA Hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
All this confusion was within me, nothing to do with my Sponsor. I realize today that the best thing to do is to just open my mind to what my Sponsor has to say, surrender to those suggestions and follow them to see where it leads me to. Doing so has always been rewarding where I learnt and was able to see those things that I could not have possibly seen before following those directions.
