"No one is forcing us to give up our misery." Basic Text, page 29
It's funny to remember how reluctant we once were to surrender to recovery. We seemed to think we had wonderful, fulfilling lives as using addicts and that giving up our drugs would be worse than serving a life sentence at hard labor. In reality, the opposite was true: Our lives were miserable, but we were afraid to trade that familiar misery for the uncertainties of recovery.
It's possible to be miserable in recovery, too, though it's not necessary. No one will force us to work the steps, go to meetings, or work with a sponsor. There is no NA militia that will force us to do the things that will free us from pain. But we do have a choice. We've already chosen to give up the misery of active addiction for the sanity of recovery. Now, if we're ready to exchange today's misery for even greater peace, we have a means to do just that - if we really want to.
Just for today: I don't have to be miserable unless I really want to be. Today, I will trade in my misery for the benefits of recovery. pg. 361 ŠJust For Today Daily Meditation is the property of Narcotics Anonymous
Often I can trade in my misery through something simple like a nap. Not to undermine this program at all, but resting my mind is a really important thing for this addict, at times..
That was one of the slogans that made a huge impact on my early recovery when I was struggling to come to terms with living clean.
I'd be staying clean for a few months everytime but would find clean life so torturous and miserable and unbearable that using would seem better eventually... I did not understand how to overcome this, break this habit of relapsing eventually, come to terms that recovery sucks and stay stopped anyway... lol...
That's when I read "pain can be mandatory, but misery is optional". That opened my mind to a possibility that I otherwise thought cannot be possible at all
Further, my Sponsor told me then that everyone goes through difficulties, pain, loss, hardship, crises, grief etc., that there's no one on this Earth who is exempt from these but the choice of how we deal with these situations lies with us. I was given a couple of weeks to practice my first three steps on this particular aspect, write about how I handled these painful and disturbing situations differently by applying the program, and also write how I felt as a result, with all my honest thoughts and feelings that I went through during these daily experiences in that period. Believe me, this helped me a lot to realize how practical and healing the program really is.
I experienced a flat tyre, my hard disk crashed, I flunked in my exams, I lost the only pair of shoes that I had then, no money to even buy a cigarette or to take a bus to a meeting, feeling hurt by people, but inspite of all this, I was smiling, glad I was clean, making the meetings enthusiastically, and above all, I felt that elusive peace for the first time that everything is as it should be. I was calm, in the middle of many storms what an uplifting experience that was for an addict like me who had to have 3-4 pegs of drinks, half a dozen Chillums and downers, a fix or two of either brown sugar or norphine and still not feel what I felt as a result of trying to work the program. I WAS CONVINCED. I was here to stay Even today, whenever I am face to face with serious situations, I tell myself that with the help of the program and my Higher Power, I never have to feel paranoid, hopeless or miserable. Everything is as it should be. It does get better, not necessarily in the circumstances surrounding me, but WITHIN ME. If I look at all the chaos through the eyes of the program, then I realize I don't have to dwell in self-pity and misery necessarily. There is hope, serenity and contentment that my Higher Power is ready to give me, I just need to let my Higher Power
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
My solution to misery is gratitude. When I am feeling miserable I need to make a gratitude list. I also need to look at my part in things and figure out what I am doing or not doing that is making me miserable. "Through my inability to accept personal responsibility I was actually creating my own problems."
Sometimes life does just getone down. So I've compiled some music on my MP3 player, you know 2pac's Letter to my unborn child and Eminen's Toy soldier, things that tell me to keep my chin up and chest out, and handle it. And in my journal I have writings from everywhere. All sorts of sources. Whenever I find them I write then down, inspirational stuff; Desidirata, Ivictus, Stuff from NA, AA ,"Rage" anything and when I need I boost I read the writing that will put me in the right frame of mind and i go on from there so I give you one that hopefully will help you one day when you are feeling miserable.
INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.
