One of the questions in the Fellowship discussion asks=(not quoting adverb !!) Am I allowed to have a bad day inspite of considerable clean time ?? The moment is great,, sometimes when one is angry,,, one is judged and then condemned !! I hera newer members say clean but not recovering clean time dosent equeal recovery if its like this
then you hear the same people in their sharings like "its ok to be angry,,"etc,,, words to that effect !! so what do we do ?? dont we actually cold shoulder the older member and shut em out of our lives ?? thereby denying ourselves some hard won experience !! For an older member like me,,I am not in the habit of double talk,,for me thats more important than not losing my temper !! ive been shunned,discriminated,,, avoided,, etc,etc,,simply because i chose not to be acting like im(fatally) cool all the time !! Anger is a reaction and a denial of reality,,, im especially angry with people that I pay to do a job and then find they are not doing that job,,, but still expect to be paid ?? Is that fair ? so why judge and condemn me as angry ??? all Im asking is to share my point of view too,,, am I not allowed to have a " bad" day ?? did it say anywhere in literature that we become totally free of anger and are perfectly serene ?? Are members with considerable clean time not allowed their emotions ?? Just for today we never have to use again,,, no matter what !! I stand informed !!
-- Edited by Raman at 17:42, 2007-12-06
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman, it is my understanding that as time goes on, clean, we get our FEELINGS back. If we are never angry, dismayed, lonely, sad, confused, etc.... why the heck do we need recovery in the first place?
Never feeling low or angry or acting out or expressing any negative feelings is what I called "being perpetually high".
I think out of control anger is a sign of unhealthy recovery or none at all in that particular area of living, angers a reaction like you said Raman and its bound to occur, I mean how many of us are really that serene 24/7 ? we're mostly hyper sensitive people .
It's taken a long long time for me to get a handle on this and I really didn't get a handle until I surrendered just like with my addiction, its taking time to grow.
I take it situation by situation and I try to remember to be loving and not make mountians out of mole hills, I had an outburst last week when me and my girl went shopping for a Xmas tree I wanted one thing but she suggested another and I got uptight and threw a tantrum yeah thats what they are tantrums childish and immature then I have to buck it up and apologize for getting that bent out of shape, which that alone helps me from throwing these tantrums I get tired of apologizing all the time and running people off from me.
I have people work for me often and They know what I expect I have given them a choice to satisfy me because if they dont they wont work for me again but i never hold back pay I just dont use them again so there out $$$.
Well said, Joni, I agree with you. We do get all our feelings back when we get clean, and overtime, learn to feel them fully and to accept them as a part of us without having to act out in our old ways on them and if I do end up acting out on some of my destructive feelings, then there's a significant learning that is being given me by my Higher Power there, perhaps, a very precious one for my further evolution and growth in recovery...
As they say in NA, progress not perfection I have come to accept the fact that sometimes our love is imperfect and our energies unbounded, but no matter how much close to brokenness we each might have come to, we all have something to offer each other - hope, freedom, love, sharing and caring...
It's very important for me to remind myself of certain lines from our literature like "the degree of sickness and the rate of recovery varies from one addict to another." and that we have a "progressive disease" which means my disease of addiction is always growing, that it always tries to manifest itself within me a little more today than what it was yesterday. I usually don't compare myself with others' recovery, and I try not to take negative strokes from other members that usually are spoken out of ignorance. I don't have to own them. It's theirs I try my best not to judge another's recovery and as far as my recovery goes, it's for me, my Sponsor and my Higher Power to assess it from time to time, not for anyone else to judge.
When I worked the steps at my hometown (I was the first one to do so there), the fellowship there was not able to relate with me at all, they even laughed at me when I shared about how I admitted my powerlessness through applying my first step or how I surrendered to my Higher Power's care through my Third or how I took a Sixth Step Inventory to become entirely willing to cooperate with my Higher Power regarding some shortcoming. They made fun of me, isolated me, and some of them even hated me for sharing about Steps and stepwork, spiritual principles etc. My first reaction was to feel isolated and lonely, get angry with them, but was grateful for my Sponsor's guidance that I was told that I'm neither above nor below any of these other members just because I have a working program and they don't! My Sponsor told me that having a working program means that I feel a part of, not apart from, that I reach back to them with tolerance, acceptance and unconditional love and not in anger or arrogance.
I also got a lot of help from a few Earth Group members online who tried to make me understand that all these members in hometown fellowship did love me and cared for me, just that they did not know how to express that love, that they did not have what I have, and that I could not possibly expect them to think, feel and behave the way I do with the help of the program. I was asked to continue sharing my experiences, helping out newcomers, passing on stepwork to others so that no one has to experience what I experienced tomorrow. And I did just that. Today, there are nearly a dozen members there who work the steps, and now when I visit my hometown, I hear shares on stepwork and even talk of Steps at the cafe between members after the meeting
And yes, today, more than anything else, I'm mostly able to just be and let others be (I say mostly because I'm not able to on occasions when my horns do sprout out of my head and my tail does spring out of my back... lol)
Also, my Sponsor told me a couple of years back that people in NA would at times place you on a high pedestal assuming and expecting you to be a perfect, flawless, spiritual master, and then when they see our humaneness and mistakes, they might push you all the way from high above down to the ground But still it's them who do that, it's not you who is actually rising or falling. If I hear a big "Thud" when they bring me down in their imagination, then the chances are that I did try to rise and I AM falling as a result at the whim and fancy of others
OMG, enough of this ramble now, but nevertheless, a very important topic for anyone's personal recovery, this thanks and hugs to all those who shared here...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
nice responses !! Thanks for sharing yourthoughts on this subject of anger/serenity !! Well,, as far as I have experienced,,the problem when Im angry or others are angry,, it creates a sense of dis---ease !! But then again Joni gave me a very valuable insight !! Thanks Joni,, you are an angel in recovery !! I feel secure and supported as of now,,, thanks ! and yes Vini,, I know that feeling of helplessness wen anger begins to dominate,,, my first thought when Ive become angry after some time is= "oh #@$%,,, not again !!"
-- Edited by Raman at 07:12, 2007-12-07
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman, Just a reminder that around the holidays, WOMEN tend to partially lose all sense of reason. A lot of us do crazy things like bake, shop, wrap, organize, mail out stuff, decorate, take kids to functions, and interact with extended family a lot more than usual (including other WOMEN), along with the usual life stuff like work, finances, cleaning, cooking, child rearing, husband rearing, etc.... WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I know that men have a lot of additional stuff piled high upon them around the holidays too. (I am not one though, so I will speak for women.)
So.... be gentle with us, and at times, take us with a grain of salt. LOL
and if I do end up acting out on some of my destructive feelings, then there's a significant learning that is being given me by my Higher Power there, perhaps, a very precious one for my further evolution and growth in recovery...
A lot of us do crazy things like bake, shop, wrap, organize, mail out stuff, decorate, take kids to functions, and interact with extended family a lot more than usual (including other WOMEN), along with the usual life stuff like work, finances, cleaning, cooking, child rearing, husband rearing, etc....
