He had picked up over the summer after 11 years clean. He had recently gone to rehab and had been home for a short period. He went to see his on-again-off-again girlfriend, a former sponsee of mine, who, after some years in the program, is using again. I hear her house has become a crack house, although I don't know firsthand since I don't go there.
I don't know if he was clean or not, but probably not since he was in a crack house. And there he died.
Isn't that really sad to die in a crack house?
Isn't it really sad to be using again after 7, 8, or 11 years clean?
Just for today I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean because I don't want to die high or in a crack house.
Sorry about your friend Blithe very sorry when an addict dies from this thing it sucks.
There are a few things that happen Scott thats why its good to stay close to the program we can get apathetic and lose focus, we all came into this thing a little messed up before we even picked up, stop picking up and you still have some messed up living and why we have to stay with the program it keeps us inline, it keeps us growing it helps us to manage the unmanageable . In order to keep what we have you have to give it away thats probably about the best concept around.
I have been working on a guy who continues to relapse I damn sure won't give up on him he's got a long road to haul but whatever information I can share with him may just get him there that much sooner and its helping me at the same time see him struggle its EXACTLY how I was.
Thing i hate hearing the most is an addict dying from his active addiction it happened to my best friend after 5 years clean he went out one night shot dope and died.
I'm sorry to hear that, Blithe May His soul find light...
Scott, the reason I believe I could go back to using even after years of cleantime is that I have a disease that is progressive, incurable and fatal, if not arrested with the help of the program...
A return to using, for me, is just one symptom of addiction. A return to using my defects, my dsyfunctional patterns, my manipulative and justifying ways, denying reality, all these are equally serious and fatal too for me, just like using drugs. These are also a relapse for me. Due to releasing my addiction in these ways, sometimes, in my daily life even when I'm clean, I die a million deaths, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... And sometimes, dying so many times without dying physically can be more torturous and agonizing than death as we perceive it...
Also, a return to using drugs makes it more easy for us to come out of our denial and see that we are in deep trouble, but a return to using our defects makes it very difficult for me to even see that I might be in the wrong, and I might continue justifying it for many more days, months and years, living deep in denial and causing damage and destruction far beyond what even using does at times... Just my humble experiences, might not necessarily be so for others, in fact, not supposed to be so too
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Blithe this is very sad news. Dieing in a damn crack house. Also puts fear into me. I pray that he has found some peace.
Tahir, very well said. We really have to watch our old behaviors and attitudes, as you say the return to unrealistic behavior and thinking that we can control the unmanagable symtoms of drug addiction and behaviors is a dangerous place to be. I have been there.
In careful recovery kenh
__________________
God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
dang!!! in the middle of a post and i lost it!!!! letting go and trying again... (((Blithe)))
I'm so sorry to hear of your friend, may God bless his soul and rest in peace.
it doesn't matter how little or long we have clean and sober, its one day at a time. What i put into to the program i get out. I have learned this the hard way.
Thankfully i made it back from a relapse. So many don't.
I had 14 months clean. i chose to pick up the first one. i ENDED UP LOSING EVERYTHING...AGAIN. Everything but my life..and i was way to close to that as well on more than one occasion. My home became the crack houses...my relapse lasted for a year.
What i lost touch with first and foremost was gratitude and my conscious contact with my HP.
We have a program of action, and my spiritual condition is sooo important. |What is different for me today is that i am building a relationship with my HP and the steps of this program , as a result i am building a healthy relationship with my self. The only relationship i had before was how out of sync i felt with myself and everyone around me. As a result my love affair with drugs. Isolation is my first sign.
It was all about not being enough and not having enough and living in my guilt and shame. Today is different, i am different, I can not base staying clean today on yesterdays recovery. gratitude, prayer, meetings, step work, daily meditations and contact with others in recovery are so important. Sharing my stuff when i feel overwhelmed, telling on my dis-ease. A problem shared is a problem half solved they say. :)
As i get closer to my one year birthday i have fear. I think its a healthy fear. As long though as i stay in today, in this moment... i have nothing to fear. Today i have a choice. I don't have to use, thank God. and neither do you. Lots of love to each and every one of you I pray for the addicts that suffer, in and out of the program
Im sorry to hear that Blithe,, the disease dosent change evr,,nor does the mood changing,mind altering nature of drugs we used !! Last nite i was part of a group that played Indo blues to a good sized crown in a jazz blues festival ! all the band sthat played a good set,, i played my ass off too and all,,, but know what,,, evil did lurk round the corner too !! there was a good sized jazz crowd of about 1500 people enganed in listening and making it a great place to be,,living and enjoying life without the use of druns,, till soem evil in the form of users blowing out joints made me run,,, I decided I belonged in the front seats in the important persons seating by virtue of being an artiste while just befoe that rude awakening I was trying to be social and be in thenback benches till i sensed that mischief !! God given me Grace to recoil from users and using as I would from a hot flame,, Scott,,, Im greatful for the many relapses i had before meeting in NA !! And somone once said "I used cause I wanted to,, no analysis no searching for motives. However by the same token I stay clean because I want to stay clean,, no reasons or justifications needed !!!" Scott,, Im luckily one of those thats been clean ever sin since i met NA ,,, and I know I and God want that for me for the rest of my life too,,, so just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery,,, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs !! God Bless all the addicts whwrever they maybe and kepp us all in recovery for the rest of our lives !!
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Grateful to have you in my recovery too, Blithe, NA Hugs
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"Just for today I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean because I don't want to die high or in a crack house"
Thank you for that last sentence Blithe. I don't really have the energy today for the long winded. It's really about what one of my counsellors said in rehab - it boils down to this; If you want to stop using you have to stop using. I spent the morning in court today where the prosecutor asked for another postponement in a simple DUI. It's now dragged for over a year. At most I will loose my license for two years - inconvinient. At the same time I'm sick of this shit, and i did it all to myself.
Chedza, a big a hug to you. I relate very well to your post as I had court and community service and court-stipulated rehab, and a revoked license in my first year or so clean. It was annoying and reminded me too much of what I loser I was, but it also showed me very clearly the unmanageability of my life. Going through it was part of cleaning up the wreckage of my past.
May His soul find light...
