She was a good girl had her for about 12-13 years , she hasn't been well the last 2 or so years , I wish she was back alive so I could just hug her and hold her one more time. I will miss her so much I can't even express the loss of her presence, she was my baby......
I have cried my eyes out the only peace I find is thanking God for bringing her into my life and she lived a good long life with me and I think she was a happy cat for years though the last 2-3 years she has not been well. I thought many times of putting her down but she kept just hanging in there and she always ate and drank.
lately she was frail and even had a hard time jumping up onto the couch to lay on my lap, I knew this day was coming soon, it's here harsh reality has struck and her loss is hard on my heart. I have her body here with me and I need to put her to rest, her soul is gone she is gone I just niss her little face looking up at me this morning, meowing giving my leg a rub wanting special attention from me and I always gave her some even with 4 other cats in the house here.
Well I have to take her now and bury her at least her body will be in a nice place at my Moms house in her cute yard under some red wood trees where I go now and then to visit.
If you love something or someone hold it tight one day it may not be there to hold, breathe it in, love it with all you have, I think i'll go and give my mom a great big hug too.
I layed her to rest at my Aunts house under the cherry tree.
She was the best cat ever with me for so long threw thick and thin always a wonderful companion I will miss her forever, grief is just bursting out my chest for that little cat.
Please accept my heart felt condolences,,When my 17 year old pom died some 8 months ago,,,I was devstated !! I pray your beautiful cats rests in peace and also protects you when you go out for gold,go out on the road,, and keep you blessed in recovery !! Amen !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks Raman I have held knowing this day was coming I had cried and held her tight now its come, I just want ONE MORE DAY............one more day one more time
Last night I had a crazy dream A wish was granted just for me It could be for anything I didnt ask for money Or a mansion in malibu I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day One more time One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied But then again I know what it would do Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing Id do, is pray for time to crawl Then Id unplug the telephone And keep the tv off Id hold you every second Say a million I love yous Thats what Id do, with one more day with you
Leave me wishing still, for one more day Leave me wishing still, for one more day
I realize this is just one more thing I have got to accept and probably the most difficult things in life is dealing with death, we have no power over that one for sure.
I thank God for putting Chels in my life everyones who knows me said that they saw how much I loved and cared for her, just like she was my own child I cared and nurtured and loved her the best I could always even when I was using.
All that is left now are memorys but I have fond memorys I just held her in my lap yesterday and she was following me around the kitchen god that was just yesterday and today she's gone, rips my heart open in a matter of hours, this too shall pass.
Thank you for sharing Chelsea with us. I also lost a pet dog, my favorite one, recently, and for many nights I was not able to sleep thinking about how powerless I was to just watch her suffering. I miss her terribly at times when I'm playing with the other two now...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
i wanted to share this but that huge lump in my heart got in the way... but sharing will make it better...each and every time..so here i go..
After i had 14 months clean, my relapse had started, my oldest daughter had moved back in with me with her friend, my girls didn't know yet that i had begun my relapse. We took a trip to visit my mom and sister for thanksgiving weekend, We hadn't even been there for 1/2 of a day yet and i ended up in the bar with my mom.. that i grew up in.. a few drinks in me was all it took.. i ditched my mom and spent the rest of the weekend in a crack house. it was awful. My girls had been bugging me to get a kitten for the longest time.. they almost left me 8 hours from home..
I came back to my sisters on the sunday...was gone since friday... it was so bad, i'll never forget it,
the drive home was tortuous...my girls decided to take one of my sisters kittens...wether i liked it or not...what could i say??
well, it wasn't long before my girls moved out..i spent christmas cracking it up... poor girls...i fould out they were gone because my daughter had written on the back of a picture of them with santa they had given me... gone.. gone!... GONE!!!!!!
How did i deal with that??? i simply didn't... more dope...more dope...and then more dope.
They had left behind the kitten.
They called her Jerkin Tramp...lol
That cat became my best friend...somehow i started calling her Bubby...it just stuck. And oh how she loved me...unconditionally.
I remember she would sit on the couch...and stare at my crack pipe on the table...til finally she would reach out and try to swipe it off the table....
It wasn't long before i got kicked out of my apartment...i had to walk when i left... all my belongings behind except for 2 nap sacks... What was i to do with Bubby?? such heartbreak.. I had a new neighbor...i knocked on the door and asked her if she would take my cat for a couple of days til i came back for her...she didn't have a phone so...
Finally 2 weeks later i had another place to live...i went to get bubby... the landlord had taken her to the humane society... when i phoned the humane society i learned that she had died because she had picked up distemper in the pound cause we had not gotten her shots.
Telling my girls was awful... missing her is worse.
That saying that people (or animals) come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime...makes me think of her..
this is the only pic of her we have..was taken christmas eve while i was out drugging and my girls opened their gifts without me.
i love that song Vini...diamond rio is one of my favorite bands. Love a little stronger is also a good song.
yes, i wish for one more day, but i gotta get back to today now.
Sure I think about you now and then, but it's been a long, long time. I've got a good life now, I've moved on, so when you cross my mind....
I try not to think about what might have been, Cause that was then, and we have taken different roads. We can't go back again, there's no use giving in, and there's no way to know, what might have been.
We can sit and talk about this all night long, and wonder why we didn't last. Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know, but we'll have to leave them in the past.
So try not to think about what might have been, Cause that was then, and we have taken different roads. We can't go back again, there's no use giving in, and there's no way to know, what might have been.
The same old look in your eyes, it's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay. But too much time has gone by, we should just say goodbye, and turn and walk away.
I try not to think about what might have been, Cause that was then, and we have taken different roads. We can't go back again, there's no use giving in, and there's no way to know, what might have been.
Thank you for sharing that Wendy and those are the sort of things we need get off our chests .
I think everyone has a right to do what they want but those of us who abused the right and ran with it and caused great harm no longer have that right left and thats what I tell myself when I feel like I need a hit, The destruction is to great.
I used to lock Chels away in a room when I used or she'd curl up in a corner and I would feel guilty with a room full of crack smoke and burnt brillo. I felt bad but not bad enough to stop at that time it took much more.
This morning I cried one more time because she usually comes up to me asking for a treat, and i would fake a treat in her food dish LOL, I have had to buy special food for her for 2 years now and I have regular food for the outside cats but all my indoor cats want that out door stuff and I guess I can give that to them now, they've been eating Chels food which is better for them all anyways but at $40 a bag it got really expensive I think i'll just mix it up now for them.
Thank you Tahir I have had a hard time resting I know that feeling flash's keep coming into my mind I didn't have to watch what happened that would have made it more difficult it happened while she was sleeping i'm sure, found her right in the spot she slept, but so many times this last year I felt like I needed to take her down and have her put to sleep something told me to just hang on she had more life left so I held off. I suppose she went when and how she was supposed to go.
Thank you Ken, I just hate sad endings, lifes ending chapter is often sad the happiness is in the previous ones..
Yesterday was guilt day I guess I'm going threw the process, today I will work on letting go of a little more, each day it will get better.
The hardest part is the having no control not being able to change this I WANT her back so bad yet the reality is she isn't going to come back no matter how much I want, I have to accept that deep down inside, guess my ego won't let me all the way yet.
My Chelsea,
My sweet Chelsea I miss you baby I love you, love you enough to know I have to let go of you today and be thankful we had the time we had together , that is why I miss you so much you were such a sweetheart. I just miss your little grin you used to give me and even the smile on your face. I am glad you are now free from pain and the misery you were in these last few years I know you had some bad days and I'm sorry for that. You were so strong and endured more then you should have, I tried to do the best for you always but maybe I was selfish, i am so so sorry. You are missed girl i pray God has you close and comforts you I see you happy and grinning up at me when I think about you there, that makes me happy.
Eek i'm a little embarrased about what I wrote this morning feel like a big sissy boy.
But you know thats how I feel I cry every time I think about her I feel guilty if I try not to think about her, big hole man big ass hole ..........
Thanks Joni and Chedza she was a gorgeous animal I fell in love with her the moment I saw her got her from and ex girlfriend long time ago she did'nt want me either after a few weeks LOL but Chels was the best thing i got off that gal LOL sorry......no not bitter anymore but I did relapse after she broke up with me lol...sheesh
My other cats are really wanting a lot of attention since this happened Chel kinda ran the roost and made them nervous she was mean as hell when aggitated ( maybe why we got along so well ).
Glad to be joking about this now, thanks for all the support, love you all
Isn't it wonderful Vini to just express ourselves freely here, as we truly are at a particular moment, with all our faults and flaws and vulnerability and weaknesses?
What a freedom the fellowship of NA has given us! To just be who we truly are, and accepted unconditionally for it...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I also get some weird and crazy thoughts and feelings, and I guess everyone does at times I tend to think that only I can get these crazy thoughts and that I must keep them to myself because I don't share it with others to know that they too can relate
For a long time in my life, I fought these crazy, evil thoughts and feelings that enter me from time to time, saying I am not supposed to be having these thoughts, that they are not me etc. The first thing I realized I needed to do was to stop fighting these thoughts as that was what was making them take a stronger and more powerful hold on me in the process. I learnt to allow them to enter, stay and die their natural death without me interfering with them in any way through meditation with the help of my first Sponsor. I stopped denying that I'm getting these bad thoughts and feelings. Instead my Sponsor told me to accept that they ARE there in me.
I do write about them even now, read what I have written aloud first to myself and then to my Higher Power, and as a result, I do get a lot of healing in the process too. But to get the most out of it and to really find peace and freedom from these thoughts and feelings, I must complete this process by sharing it with JUST and ONLY WITH ONE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. It could be anyone, anyone whom I feel comfortable sharing a particular part of me at that particular moment. For me, it has been my sponsor, either the current one or the first one, at times, one of my sponsees, or another NA friend, sometimes online with another NA member, or even sharing it at one of the forums or an online meeting at times, a friend outside NA or a family member who is very close and understanding with me, on a couple of occasions I have done it even in a church, the confession way you know At times, I just walk into a NA meeting and just share it all, and to my surprise find a few members nod their heads in identification and then share that they get more crazier thoughts than what I shared That's how I realize that I'm not alone, that I don't have to deal with it all alone. I realize the power of WE CAN! It Works! I just need to bring it all out with another human being, any human being, apart from myself and my Higher Power...
Keeping it within myself I've observed allows these undesirable and unhealthy thoughts and feelings to take root and grow, forcing me to dwell in them or act out even at times. When I have shared them with another human being, they die in the light of exposure. They lose their hold and power over me.
A great spiritual soul who I believe descended on Earth for the wellbeing of all humanity once said something like, "If you don't bring what is within you, what you don't bring out can kill you; if you bring out what is within you, what you bring out thus can save your life."
These are just my humble recovery experiences, take what you want and leave the rest, my friend
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Dont be getting me wrong I'm not having REALLY weird or strange PECULIAR thoughts , i'm pretty sure if I feel like killing someone chopping them into pieces it's often fleeting LOL. My violent tendency is getting rarer and rarer I haven't even yelled at anyone in months LOL thats pretty amazing. Seems like I have gotten calmer and I definely don't think the way I used to because it was pretty bizarre how I used to think.
Theres less fear and less paranoia now, I feel a lot better generally about myself and have confidence like i've never had but I do still isolate but again not like I used to.
I have gotten what was in the dark OUT its in the light and I can even share about it with some people under certain situations I shared about what crack did for me wit ha guy recently and he got the same exact thing I got from crack and that thing is addicting in itself and I think I was able to reach in a little deeper with this guyand help, I hope by sharing something that is quite personal( no i wont share it here LOL ).
Anyhow you are on the money honey,( that was weird LOL ) we can't afford secrets total disclosure is the best policy in my book,,, its cleansing.
I can already see you healing BigV Thanks for helping me heal too in the process by sharing your experiences with me
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
