This is my first time posting.This is my first day clean.I find I hate everything in my life.Because I hate everything it keeps me in touch with my using.It is the excuse I use to pick up again and again.Anyone else feel this hate of everything?Is this normal?Nothing is safe from this anger and hate I feel.It is hard to keep it from my family.Whenever I stop using I start thinking how I cant stand my life, how everything sucks and the sad thing is , I have plenty to be happy for.Is it my addiction playing tricks on me.Pot always makes me feel like I can deal with these feelings, mellows me out. It helps me to be happy in my day but really it doesnt.It just makes me forget for a little while then I have to smoke some more.
Let me say this quick before I forget. Please read "Am I the only one" posted by Claire0001 and "Just for Today - Finding Fulfilment" posted by BigV I think you'll find that those two posts will speak to you.
As for Day one, shit, I don't envy you. I rememver day one vividly. All I wanted was something to take away the pain. I know you're hurting and I symathise. We all do. All I can say is it get's better. It really does. And you said it yourself, you're looking for an excuse to use. And gajnga, well that's the substance that in the long run does the most damage to the brain. Your addict wants you to use. You know better, Don't pick up whatever you do.
Are you trying to go it alone? Or are you going to work the programme. I advise you work the programme. Go to meetings. Get into step work.Get yourself as much support as you can.
my name is Wendy... i am a grateful recovering Addict i hope you stick around, we really need you here, you are the most important person here!!!
i do remember day 1... yup it sucked...i've actuallly had a few day 1's.. the great thing is?? I don't have to do day 1 again and neither do you...its all about choice...and consequences
NA has saved my life, i couldn't quit on my own..i proved that to myself time and time again
and yes...love to hate it and hate to love it.
breathe in...breathe out...and don't use in between, just for today
I didnt make it through my first day one. Picked up, even after going to a meeting. It was stupid really using again that night. This was after I was called on in the meeting had to get up in front of a bunch of people to say I was on day one. They even gave me a chapters book after the meeting. I felt like I disappointed a bunch of people so I tried again yesterday and made it through the whole day. I almost gave in during the evening but I was so proud of going the whole day that even when it was offered to me right in my face I said no. I spent the whole day watching some DVDs of the Sopranos and repeating just for today. After the first day maybe today wont be so bad. I keep expecting things to change immediately and My rage at everything will go away, but realize that is pretty poor thinking on my part. I think I am angry for having to admit I am an addict. I like my pot, been my friend for at least 25 years. Maybe that is why I dont have very many friends in my life now.
I was high when I married my first husband, high when I dumped him, high when I married my second husband. Now I feel like I am coming down off a big long trip and I aint too happy about what I did in the past and am looking at everything as a stoned mistake. It really is stupid thinking cause I really have no reason to complain about my family or my life now, I have everything I need to be happy. My family loves me, supports me in my cleaning up, stay with me even when I am a hell bitch. I think I have been using to avoid some of the problems I see when I sober up. I cant stand anything; my house, my family, my life. I hope as I clean up, my mental state will clean up too, and I will face some of the real reasons why I am not happy. I find that I am not a happy person and I think I have been hiding this unhappiness with pot.
Sorry my post is long and a little mixed up. I do feel a little stronger today now that I went through day one. I have a meeting tonight. Thanks again for the supportive posts.
Welcome to Miracles In Progress, Rabbit, and thank you for sharing. Yes, I can relate with what you shared about hating everything around me while using. That's very common I guess as I know of many who came into recovery with me who also have felt the same while using...
Keep coming back, Rabbit
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Try not to worry too much about stuff right now. I've heard it suggested to not make any big decisions or changes in the first year of recovery: Don't start or end a relationship, don't move or change jobs, etc. I think if you keep the focus on recovery, the rest will fall into place over time. Be patient, make meetings, get a sponsor.
Rabbit you're a perfect candidate for NA it has everything you need to work threw your life and sort things out and get it straightened out.
I can definetly relate to anger hell I'm an angry SOB even clean but I'm using the program to deal with that too and it's gotten and getting better. These things take time , patience and just staying clean and not giving up, my higher power takes my difficultys away once i get my claws out of them LOL.
I was an addict for 22 years I had a lot to run from I guess but my addiction was taking me to dark places, I got tired of it dragging my life along its reckless path, things have changed and continue changing for the better, being clean is a much happier place to be then imprisoned by addiction.
Keep trying don't give up keep coming back too here to help if you want it.
