so. i've been sober for 45 days today. and after the week of withdrawals, the days seemed easier to get through. now it seems like i can't get through one day. i cry every night and i keep trying to find a way to keep myself from using. i should be proud of myself and find motivation from my success, but i can't bear this emotional burden of realizing everything i've done and everything that's happened and the fact that i'm no longer using or living the life i've lived for years. i feel like i can't move forward. i called my boyfriend crying, and he said, "what can i do? how can i help you?" and i told him to tell me i was doing well and it would get better, and he did, but for the first time, the words didn't work.
i feel like i'm still stuck in the same damn rut, except this one sucks more because i'm not using.
it's like i'm clean. and that's it. there's no feelings of self worth or betterment. and i know this takes time and work on my end, but i just needed someone to tell. i feel really alone.
Every so often I feel the same way, like tonight how I chewed my girlfriend out and didn't know until reading an email she sent earlier just how down and afraid she felt today, now I suck.
16 or so months clean after relapsing having had over 5 years yeah I felt like i sucked.
Getting my contractors license and not really doing much with it since getting it, I suck.
I could go on thats enough beating me down...
But you know thats what we feed ourselves, negativity we often don't look and accept all we have to be greatful for and all the good we're doing rather then the destruction we were doing before getting clean.
Bottom line this is better then where we were before and thats improvement.
It can be slow and tedious, growth takes time if you plant a corn seed can you see it growing if your sitting there staring at it ? no not as its actually growing but drive by the spot you planted it a week later then you'll see growth......
It takes time, patience, willingness, FAITH, work, and more time but it gets better so pain is mandatory growing pains we'll call them.
STAY CLEAN its going to get better start patting yourself on the back and giving yourself koodoes sp? just be ok with where your at today and take it easy on yourself, we've all beat oursleves down a lot threw the years its time to build ourselves up into something we can be half way proud of becoming real men and real women.
Keep posting Caitlin this is what we are all here for, I hope we can help you out.
Catlin,,, I never was able to manage my life,,, especially my emotions,, its a partnership between me and God !!! I=illness we=wellness so,, when we pray and God answers we have Faith in Gods ability to solve problems,, but sometimes inspite of prayer God maynot seem to answer,,, remember then that God thinks we are fully capable of solving that problem by ourselves and so isnt interfering !! This day Ive been writing about incidents and am feeling good now !! been a tiring week with late nits but still feeling good about it all !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hi Caitlin, congratulations on the Big 45 Miracles! It does get better in recovery
Do you have access to face-to-face NA meetings, Caitlin? Do you have a Sponsor?
For me, there was nothing like working the Steps with the help of a Sponsor, to rid myself of my past, come to peace with myself, and start feeling good about myself again in recovery. We never have to do it alone.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Keep talking to people Caitlin 45 days is a miracle. You are a miracle. Well done girl. Pray yourself out of that rut. Reach out. Do whatever it takes. Just don't pick up. I hear you. Do whatever suggestions appeal to you to try and keep time at bay and your mind occupied. The bad feelings will blow over.
Feel better and really. Good going!!!
"Just for today, I'm an awesome child of God and I deserve my recovery."
I relate to everything you describe. I truly felt worse at the beginning of my recovery than I did when I used. It's just like you described: I was feeling all the crap I had done over the years and had previously covered up with using.
The truth is: There is no fast and easy cure. Be patient, be brave, and get tough. Make a commitment to stay clean no matter what. Believe it when others tell you that it will get better. It will. I promise.
Talk to your sponsor, follow direction, work the steps.
Most importantly, don't give up before the miracle happens.
thank you all so much. getting supportive responses makes things a little bit easier.
i've only been to one face-to-face meeting, and i don't have a sponsor.
to be honest, i'm really too scared to be in a group with people i don't know alone. i tend to panic in groups. i know i need to find the courage to go. i know i do.
meh.
thanks again, though. everything y'all said was very helpful. =]
Hugs Caitlin and Congratulations on 45 Miracles!!!
YOU DON'T SUCK!!! But this disease sure does!!!
Hang in there and give yourself some time to heal. It's a slow process and you're right in the beginning. I think we all probably thought we sucked when we first got clean; I did for months when I realized how utterly lost I had been all my life, what a waste, on and on.
Today, I'm living the life that was promised me by Narcotics Anonymous!! And I know you can do it too :) I believe in YOU!! We all do!!
Keep Coming Back and sharing, it's gonna be rough for awhile but we're gonna be right here for ya, just like someone was here for us, loving us until we could love ourselves again :)
I love you :)
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
