hi Ken,

For me?? i have to work my steps...the elevator is broken.. since working out of the narcotics anonymous step study guide i have been looking at my steps in a whole new light.
Out of the darkness and into the light. I have learned through experience that just going to meetings doesn't work for me, although they are very, very important and have become part of my life.. as well as not having a sponsor?, doesn't work for me.
I have also been doing lots and lots of reading out of the basic text and the how and why.

There was a time in my last recovery that i just wasn't willing to do what it takes for Wendy to stay clean...and that led to relapse, my last relapse lasted a year..was a year of living in hell, i am blessed to have been able to make it back, there are lots of addicts who don't make it back.

For me its about living in the solution.

Step one is the only step i have to do to completion. The void that step leaves is filled with hope by step two.

step one-honesty
step two-openmindedness
step three-willingness

which brings my HP into the convo... so very important

you are worth it Ken, you will get out what you put in,

\I learned whatever i put before my recovery i lose

I am coming up to 11 months clean and sober on the 28th and putting more and more into my recovery than i ever have,
i want to live,
clean.

hugs in recovery,
Wendy

The Steps ARE the principles that make our recovery possible, and more than writing our steps, although it's a very important part, working the Steps is what brings about the transformation within by setting me free from those defects of character/symptoms of my disease (yes addiction is a disease and I suffer from this disease) that subtly lure me back to a relapse mode and thus into using, the most destructive and eventual symptom of my disease.

Staying clean, for me, is not recovery. Staying clean only opens the doors to recovery. Recovery, for me, is a complete upheaval and transformation by diving deep inside me, probing every aspect of me right from my childhood, identifying those patterns and blocks that kept me using by replacing them with the spiritual principles of the NA program instead. Recovery through NA has become possible for me by having a working program in my daily life, through application of the Steps in every aspect of my daily affairs. This fatal disease is within me, in my thoughts, in my emotions, in my attitude, in my behavior, in my social interactions, in my misplaced values, in my body and mind - not in a drug that I use. I use drugs, drugs don't come walking to me and crawl inside me.

I strongly agree with our literature that the degree of sickness and the rate of recovery varies from one addict to another. There are many who just came to NA and never went back to using. There are many more who have been trying out NA for a decade and more and are still to make it clean. And then, there are those like me, Ken, very similar to your experiences. I entered NA in 1999, and I had also relapsed many times after a cleantime of 3 months, 4 months, 5 months, 6 months and 7 months, apart from many cleantimes of a month or over the next 5 years in NA. I eventually was able to stay stopped only from 2004. In all these previous attempts at staying clean and recovery, I was without a Sponsor and did not work the Steps. After my last relapse, I decided that I would do it differently this time, in the way suggested by the NA program, not my own staying-clean-on-knuckles-way. I picked up a Sponsor and continue to work the Steps. I never had to use again till this moment.

You might try out online meetings, and a eSponsor perhaps. I made a lot of online meetings everyday, and my current Sponsor is an eSponsor (whom I have over the last 2 years). It works, all we need is a desire and a willingness to go to any lengths to pursue recovery (just like we did with our using )

Today, we are more fortunate to be living in an age where we can recover through Narcotics Anonymous, no matter where we in this world or what our circumstances are. We only need to seek, and we can find NA support on a regular basis to stay grounded in recovery. What a blessing this online NA group has been for me in this context. Addicts a decade back wouldn't even imagine that a member who doesn't have local NA fellowship could still share his problems, and could get half a dozen responses within 24 hours from all over the world without any movements in time and space. You know what a miracle that is?!!! It's mind-blowing if you seriously think about it

As you might be knowing, there are online meetings every night here at MIP Chatroom. There are many other groups having online meetings at different times of a day. There are eSponsors who are willing to help those who cannot have a Sponsor locally. You just have to reach out and ask.

All the best, and I'm so glad you're here with us. Congrats on 1 month clean. Keep the miracle alive. Love you and need you in my recovery.

Hugs, love, light - Tahir.

NA_ROCKS gently kicks Ken in the shins........get busy dude :)

Tahir - you always have good advice. Staying clean does not solve everything for sure. I am trying to change my attitude. This last time has scared me into knowing that I am powerless against this disease and I do have it full on. I always had the thought that I am not like all the other addicts and that I can "handle" it by just being a part timer etc etc, that doesn't work and I believe, really believe that I cannot control myself around this stuff. I will look for an online sponsor to help get going on the steps again.

Big V - Step one looks and sounds easy, not too much to read. It is not that easy to do, I am slowly finding out. Got to get rid of the foolish pride that makes me think I can do eveything on my own. I am honestly going to try and work it for a few months. Thanks for the wake up.

Thank you all, I got the attention that I was looking for, vey childish but very helpful at the same time. Thanks all for your patience and replies. I will let you know how I make out starting on step 1 again.

Love to you all, in recovery kenh. (That was hard for me to say, had to write it 10 different times!)

Ken, I suggest that you find a sponsor. Maybe someone online, or in your home town, or other. Whatever works. I agree with all of the suggestions to work the steps, but that's impossible to do without a sponsor to guide the way. So I think finding a sponsor comes first.

In addition to the other suggestions, a meeting a day(or more) for the first 90 days set a good foundation for me. I don't know if I would be here if I didn't 90 in 90.

Welp, you know what you have done in the past and you know what the results have been. Ready to do something different?

Try going to a meeting tomorrow. Get there early, stay late and tell them what you just told us. You can do it. Things will happen :)

Hi Ken, how are you? been sometime, a week I guess since I read your posts here Hope all is well with you my recovery brother...

Blessings, hugs and love.

Yesterday, I wanted to get totally wasted. Truly and totally smashed. I wanted it so bad I could taste it. I even went to a bar. I had four tomatoe juices. I got a call earlier that Madalena, a girl I was in rehab with had OD'd and was found dead in Hilbrow, an area of Johannesburg that you don't go into unless you're looking for your dealer and extreme trouble. I was already depressed as my family have been getting to me and this was just the push I needed. And I thought, since better people than me are relapsing who the hell am I to think I can beat this thing. It's just a matter of time. Now I'm thinking that addiction is like cancer, we're in remission; and sooner or later; it comes back. Tell me I'm wrong?

-- Edited by Chedza at 05:14, 2007-12-21