but as some of you may have realized since i haven't been around, i relapsed. My boyfriend relapsed and about a week later i ended up relapsing too. I guess i thought being with him was more important than staying clean. I starting missing meetings, etc etc. I am trying to leave him and focus on my own life. I went to a meeting last night and tonight I'm going to help with cleaning day at my home group then make a meeting after that. I've talked to my sponsor allot the past couple days. I made a mistake by trying to stay with him even when he started using again. People warned me, they were right. I'm sorry and ashamed. I was doing so good and i was so happy and you guys helped me so much, and i blew it. So anyways, I am trying again and this time without the baggage of my boyfriend.
Its really hard being without him, but i see now that I will not stay clean unless i leave him. I just don't want to be alone. I think I'm just as addicted to him as to the drugs. Everything about our relationship, the drugs, the booze, the fights, the violence, then making up and the sex...it was all an endless cycle, an addiction. a sick, sick, relationship. but in my mind that kind of sick love was better than no love at all. and that was the part of my my addiction that i could not surrender. i got off the drugs, but i didnt surrender my addiction to him. and it came back and bit me in the ass. anyways I want to come back, i want to come home, and i want to do it right this time. I've missed you guys
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Glad you are back Keli, I know that when I got to the rooms of NA my "picker" was broken. As it says in the Basic Text on page 17, "Addiction is a physical, mental and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives." It was not until I had worked through the steps..more than once in my case...that I was able to make healthier relationship choices. My theory as to why a sponsor will tell you to wait a year to have a relationship; Because you would freak out if they said to wait for 5 years...LOL.
This is a simple program...first we stay clean...the rest follows with our continued willingness and in HP's time. Something I have heard and believe to be very true, "Whatever I put ahead of my recovery will be the second thing I lose after I lose my recovery."
Welcome back home...glad you made it back!
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Hugs Keli and Welcome back to your family!! WE love you dearly!! You have been missed!!!
I sat there and read my own story of a few years back; not listening to suggestions that others gave to me; I knew I could "fix" things if I had the chance, ya know? Relationships, etc.
Well, didn't take long to figure out that I am not god, I cannot fix anything; I can only change myself. You know how it all goes. Sometimes the journey to surrender and acceptance takes awhile but once you've done it, it gets easier each time you do it. Surrender and acceptance are a daily part of life....and no worries about being alone!!
NA is Never Alone!! Never Again!!
I love you :) Big NA Hugs!! Glora
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
hey keli, i may not be the person to post here, i only have 27 days clean and am kind of struggling myself with generally still feeling lousy.....
i know you can make it, you might be able to make it when i can't...but, i reckon you are younger than me, just thank God you aren't 50 yrs old on your third recovery...
Thanks guys, i just got back from our little cleaning party, and I'm getting ready for a meeting now. I'm lucky because this weekend is full of NA stuff, all day tomorrow is a get-together to watch the football game and eat some brisket and then later a halloween party, so your right Glora, i don't have to be alone if i have my NA family. I need that so bad right now. When I am alone all i can do is fight with myself to not call him. Like I said, leaving him is just as hard as quitting the drugs for me right now.
Thats awesome Joanna that you have 27 days. (((Love you all)))
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
You are back and that is good just keep coming back .
It's hard letting go I know this I relapsed several time partly over having emotional termoil over lost relationships , you just have to let go girl do whats best .
I consider my last relapse as a loving, caring and compassionate intention of my Higher Power for me to pick up that which my Higher Power lovingly wanted me to have through such an experience. I got a Sponsor and started working the Steps only after my last relapse. I stopped doing all that I did that might have led me to my relapse, and I started doing all that I did not do before for my recovery. I'm grateful to my Higher Power that I was allowed to fall, and was given the awareness and the strength to get up, and start walking again, but in a far better way
Glad you're back, Keli All we have is a day, today, doesn't matter if I was clean yesterday or if I would be clean tomorrow... You've been doing better than how you've been feeling, keli, keep up the good work, you truly are a rockin' miracle of NA, we need you
Hugs, love, light.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
(((Keli))) welcome back instead of keep coming back...just stay :) step 1 We admitted we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. Being powerless means we use against our will, our lives are unmanageable inwardly and outwardly. The outward unmanageability seems to right itself faster than the inward when we put down the drugs. It is the inward which takes constant practice in righting. Thats what the remaining steps are for. We are an obsessive, compulsive bunch. How our addiction manifests itself in other areas of our life keeps us sick and denial plays a huge part. We are either in relapse or we are in recovery. We cannot base todays recovery on yesterday. Today stands alone, the great thing though is that we don't have to be alone, :) i am grateful to your HP for bringing you back, so many addicts don't make it back. I choose not to use today cause i don't want to do day 1 again. I'm not willing, today, to find out if I am one of those unfortunates who do0n't make it back! Step 1 is the most important step and the only step that I can work completely. It starts with surrender. We love you, we need you You are worth it!!!!! love in recovery Wendy
we separated and agreed not to call each other but then last night in the middle of the night he woke me up with a drunken phone call. i hung up on him and turned my phone off. i'm going to a noon meeting today and then, i can't believe this, but I'm going shopping for a Halloween outfit for the NA party tonight. It felt so good to be back in the rooms of my homegroup and see my friends last night. i didn't realize how much i missed and loved everyone. afterwards i went out to eat with about 30 people because it was one of my friends birthday. i never got to do stuff like that before because he would FREAK OUT if i ever went and did something without him. the only way i could do any NA stuff with other people was if he came along. I know you guys probably don't want to hear the drama of my soap opera love life,but this is such a huge step for me and i'm so scared. scared that i'm going to end up going back to him, or scared that he's going to get high and freak out and bust through my window if i don't turn my phone on and talk to him. maybe this is something i need to go to codependants or al-anon for.
when i cleaned up last time, and i heard that i needed to drop my old playthings, playgrounds, and playmates, i refused to put him in that category. he wasn't my 'playmate' he was my soulmate and we were together for better or for worse, is the way i saw it. i now realize that he was my ultimate playground. he is THE playground that i have to get out of. Some lessons are hard to learn and I hope I've learned this one
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Keli The important thing? YOU how awesome that today you realize what is and what is not good for you Grief is a process, wether it is a drug, a person a place or a thing its ok concern yourself with the here and now, right now :)
Keep the Faith dear Keli,,, keep the Faith !! and remember that Faith without works is dead,, so keep the Step work,sponsor work and Meditation work alive !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
when i cleaned up last time, and i heard that i needed to drop my old playthings, playgrounds, and playmates, i refused to put him in that category. he wasn't my 'playmate' he was my soulmate and we were together for better or for worse, is the way i saw it. i now realize that he was my ultimate playground. he is THE playground that i have to get out of. Some lessons are hard to learn and I hope I've learned this one.........
You have learned a whole lot :) And you said oh so much more right there!!! I'm proud of you and always here for you.....I had to make the same decision and it was so hard....but it can be done!!! Love ya sister!!! G
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Welcome back, Keli girl. You are a strong and amazing woman. We're in this together, you know, and I hope you'll let us know if there is anything we can do to help support your recovery.
Keli! (big hugs) i am so sorry i haven't been around, i'm playing catch-up tonight.. at 1:13 AM... reading this broke my heart at first, but seein as you are right back on the wagon it makes a fellow addict happy and proud!
Scott I'm glad to see that your still around too. That is so AWESOME that your about to have 30 days!!
Last night was a bad night. I went shopping for my costume for the party and while i was there he called me again. I told him i thought we agreed not to talk for awhile. we're separated. then i turned off my phone again. But i let it totally ruin everything. i was looking at costumes and all of a sudden it seemed impossible that i could dress up and have any kind of fun going through this so i left. i went home and called my sponsor and told her i wasn't going.forgot to turn my phone off and he started blowing it up with phone calls again. crying, telling me he would do whatever it takes. that he would clean up too. I told him i didn't want to be with him anymore then crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head and thats where i've been until now.
At least I didn't use but i should have gone to the NA party instead of just wallowing in depression. Good God this is going to be hard
-- Edited by Keli at 09:38, 2007-10-28
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Coulda-shoulda-woulda i know all about that.. Keli you know my friend the one in chicago that i talk about on here.. the one that when i go and visit chaos happens.. well she is in rehab now, but not before hitting a person on a bicycle with her car while high, and her ODing right before going into rehab (again again gain) god which i only found out last night, you see she was my soul mate, she is my best friend, knows more about me than anyone especially my weaknesses, and she is also an ex-girlfriend, she has been calling me from rehab, but i haven't been picking up my phone, (horrible i know), but i could not forgive her for the things that happend up until she went intro treatment, which doesn't make sense, because i've made the same mistakes as her, only i'm clean now, and i dunno my mind is all messed up and i didn't want to talk to her because her voice just brings back horrible memories and i can't handle it right now, but i ended up picking up one of her calls last night after a pleading voice mail, (was pulling at my heartstrings too much and it cracked my mean-exterior) and she was crying and saying how much she hated it there, (her first time in treatment), and how she wanted to leave and was thinking about it and it made me so angry because SHE NEEDS TO BE THERE, but i remember my pleading phone calls from both times my parents put me in rehab before i turned 18.. and she can leave if she wants.. she's almost 20, but i talked some sense into her, but the conversation just overwhelmed me and i wanted/needed to cry but i really didn't let myself really let go (i probably should have). i think you're doing the right thing distance yourself until their ACTIONS show they want to be clean and not their WORDS.. anyway i dont really know where i was going with this, didnt mean for it to turn into a novel hah..
wow i relate to that Scott. I am not a mean person, when someone calls me crying to not turn my phone off, to please talk to them,and then i hang up and turn my phone off - its ripping me apart. last time i just had to quit drugs, this time i have to get off the drugs and quit him too and it feels like my heart is being ripped out.
Blithe, I'm trying to surround myself with friends right now and I've been calling my sponsor and some other girls from the meeting like crazy. everytime i want to call him i call her instead and cry about it, she is probably getting sick of it lol. But she has been great. My sponsor is not letting me get off with an easy pass for relapsing , i have to not only start over on all the steps and step work, but she wants me to reread 'who is an addict' in the book and write down everything that i highlighted before and everything that stands out to me now line by line. But I'm doing it and I'm doing it right, because it obviously didn't stick last time.
When i relapsed i only used 4 or 5 times but it got just as bad just as quick. and i realized that i can't be with him clean or using. we tried it both ways and when we were clean together we just ended up relapsing together. and we can't use together anymore either. its impossible. the insanity and the fights, i just can't live like that. they say NA ruins your using and its true, and i'm glad. because there was always a voice in my head saying "you don't have to live like this Keli, go back, you know where you need to be"
Another thing i'm really scared about right now, is I'm over a week late on my period. i think i may be pregnant. how insane would that be, now that i've decided to leave him and i end up being pregnant? oh God the drama! It just never ends! I don't know what to do except to just do the work my sponsor gave me and to make a meeting tonight, and leave the rest to God
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
