in working out of the step guide, i came upon this question.
my first thought was my dad, for physically abandoning me. It is my first concrete memory at 3 years old.
next my mom, for being emotionally unavailable
last but not least the men i have had relationships with, anger, the shallow hal syndrome...
next thought... gulp... omg...i see these behaviors in myself... reality, what a concept!! and who i affected the most is my beautiful girls, using kept me safe from myself. in conversation recently the topic was change, and how, in denial of course, i thought i was scared of change...no wrong, that addiction to chaos... i crave change... don't get too comfortable Wendy ya might like it... self sabatoge Today, thanks to recovery, i am physically available, yet emotional availability still puzzles me...
It's similiar for me Wendy, Daddy and Mommy issues LOL
Dad was an alcoholic severe rage issues all the BIG baby stuff that goes along with that Mom was livin in fear cowaring down to him.
I blamed my hate and anger on my Dad for years that was the green light to continuing certain behaviors. I also despised myself and how I saw ME ( angry , worthless coward)
Nice setup made a good junky out of me.
This program teachs us love we learn to be emotionally available to other and to our selves, we learn to change certain harmful behaviors, put the resentments behind us.
The last F2F meeting I went to there were a lot of new comers and I listened to them, they complained and whined didn't know how they were going to handle life on lifes terms. I could here the child in them screaming wanting to know HOW to handle all of this stuff clean. I DUMPED out so much stuff that meeting on them what it was like for me how I got this far clean how it used to feel and how it feels today and whats changed and continues changing.
I tried to give them at least a little HOPE, ESH experience strength and Hope WE can do this together.
"how can she do such a thing ?" is the first thought i had one nite when i was about 12 and heard my dad and mom fukking away to glory !!!! I hated my Pa for that !! Gods sake !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman I think I was about 8 and was in my mom and dads room talking with my mom all of a sudden my dad comes out of the shower swinging his schlong at my mom , LOL my dads eyes go BIG seeing me standing there and i turn and run from the room crying ( having been so sheltered by my mom I knew nothing of such things men do) .
To this day I have a bad hadit of swangin my schlong at my girlfriends when I get out of the shower, its an OBSESSION of mine HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP :)
I have come to understand that all problems are eventually rooted inside me. Even the blocks that seemed to appear to be outside of me (external) I have found out to be only reflecting back an issue inside of me that I had not yet owned. Once, I start addressing this inner issue, the outside issues or external factors cease to trouble me. Reversing the process of blame through my fourth and fifth, and owning what is my part in it through my sixth is very crucial to my recovery I feel...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
