Never has it been this hard to control, and never has it been this hard to surrender, never, and if I don't, then never again shall I take a breath, never again shall I wake to my children, never again shall I walk in my garden marveling at the magic of nature, for never again shall I take that next breath. I am scared of myself, who the hell am I, how did this get so insanely bad so fast, oh I guess it wasn't really that fast, it just came to full fruition. Shit. Well I haven't been here I think since about may, since my partner came back from his sober house, 9 months clean or so I thought, and on our way to family councilling outpatient he took me to the park because he had something to tell me. He had relapsed, and my reservstion well in place, after 7 years of living with his addiction I was not going to be on the enemy side this time, I wanted to go to hell with him, so we went home and he stuck me, and that is were I am , stuck, the door I swore never to go through, and now I am not just a lover of junkies, I am just a junky,shit. I need to come back here, to the rooms, to the love and support, because I am failing miserably on my own. Rayne are you still here, I just know I need major help, so help. Love and blessings, jem
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We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience
Jenny many many of us have felt and done the same as you.
You have to GRAB YOUR BOOT STRAPS and get yourself back to the rooms, back to a program and face whats happened as a meaningful thing.
If you continue to beat yourself up your going to stay down like a junky, your not a junky your a suffering addict and you can get well, If I can you damn sure can.
We love you want to see you clean SO clean it up let go of those that you let stand in the way of a good life and start over fresh, clean smelling the roses.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I don't want to die, not now, not yet, why can't I start recovering then, what the hell, aaahhhhh, I want to run but I know when I get there I will still be stuck with me, that sucks, I used to really like me, I was empowered, self confident, proud, my mother said so many times, for someone who is so damn smart you sure can be stupid, I hate it when she's right, if she only knew what is really up with me, she could actually be justified and validated for the first time in her apparent disappointment in me. OK, OK, OK, I will drop to my knees and pray, I am begging my higher power to take my will, take it away from me, guide me, please, I want to do the next right thing, I want to be clean, free, unshackled, liberated, high only on who I am, not on the poisons that seduce me, that speak in my head and cloud my judgement, the liars sitting erect in my frontal lobe, driving me straight to hell every day, liars! Please God don't let me stray from my children and run to my death.Help me be courageous, help me face my secrets so I no longer need to live in fear.
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We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience
Jenny I relate so much with what your going through. my significant other is an addict as well. When we first cleaned up I was sure that if he relapsed i would rather be in hell with him than be clean and be 'alone'. But your not alone sweety. get to some meetings ((((Jenny))))!
-- Edited by Keli at 08:26, 2007-10-07
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
