i was at a meeting the other day...the topic was LETTING GO.. lots of sharing on 'how hard it is'... came my turn... i said.. Letting go is easy... saw lots of eyebrows go up.... I let go of everything.. my self...my girls..my family...my home...my job...my car...my self respect and others respect... all avenues of responsibility...
its hanging on thats tough
my last journey of recovery i let go
over analyzing myself got to be too much...told myself i couldn't handle it, too hard...blah blah blah, was easier to do what i know...use...escape...
fear of success.... great at self sabatoge... i'll show you...i'll hurt me...
i thought back then that i had a good 'foundation' ... thought i had a grip on step 1. My sponsor says that step 1 is the only step that one truly has to complete. That obviously i didn't surrender...cause i used.
Fear of intimacy... whoa...no shit.. Every time i let go... ultimately i am left with ME..ya know that saying.... everywhere i go there i am..
here i am today.. today is HUGE.. i feel small
i'm told that acceptance comes with working the steps.. our liturature says...'First we must arrive at a point of surrender....'
so... i feel stronger, i feel like my relapse ultimately lead me to a feeling of surrender... yet i still feel fear, i know thats healthy, thats a good thing... but there are times...guess i can say it is a mental relapse, emotional relapse??..that i miss getting high..i miss that escape.... i try to make myself think of something else as soon as i can... some days are better than others in this regard. I had a long love affair with my drug of choice..my sponsor asked if i have grieved... huh? ya pretty sure i have.. i Wrote a good bye letter to that drug...read it out loud in a park... shook, cried, felt anger, sorrow, shame... burned the letter..course that was before my relapse.
when i went back out.. i learned first hand that it was worse than before, i spiraled faster in the depths of my addiction... that scares me today, i do not want to go back there. With every fiber of my being i want to live clean. Yet i also remember how easy it was to go back, and i had 14 months in recovery. Guess though that i was dancing on the edge of recovery... At the same time? Recovery is foreign, scary...yup im a foreigner.
How do i know if i have completely surrendered? i feel like i have, like i am, i felt that way before...
Surrender to the disease means that I humbly accept that I can't win. Every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME I use, I lose. I lose my job. I lose my family. I lose my license. I lose my car. I lose my place to live. I lose my freedom. I finally admit that I can never win that battle and so I surrender. I give up. I quit. I turn around and walk away.
Surrender in recovery, through my step work, has led me to stop fighting the process and accept that the path of recovery is a long and winding road. There are no fast arrivals. It all takes time.
Surrender to my defects of character has taught me to love and accept myself EXACTLY AS I AM AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT IN TIME. I no longer fight myself over things I don't like about me - Why did I say that? Why aren't I more like her? Why can't I be thinner? smarter? younger? All of these are more fights that I can never win. Again, every time I enter into one of these battles, I lose. So, why beat myself up? I'd rather surrender and have humility and self-acceptance.
Surrender brings me humility, peace, and acceptance. It helps me to flow through life unobstructed by obstacles. And yet, I can choose to enter into any of my oh-too-familiar battles at any time. Surrender is not permanent. It takes ongoing application and practice.
Thanks for the awesome shares, (((((Wendy & Blithe)))))
Come to think of it, yeah, you're right Wendy, letting go is easy, clinging on is what is so difficult and takes the toll on me
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
i feel like i had an emotional relapse friday. Thoughts of using were flying through my head and at one point i even made up my mind that i was going to stop fighting it and go ahead and use. I called my sponsor and i stayed clean though. It still kind of amazes me that I didn't use because it was so damn close and it could have gone either way.
I told myself not tonight, maybe tomorrow or next week but not tonight. I felt like a failure because i had decided i was going to use, even though i didn't use. Then saturday I went to my sponsor's house to finally share step 1 from the step working guide and she told me, "Keli, you seem to think that last night was a failure, but it wasn't, it was a victory. You didn't use." The feeling passed and i was so glad i didn't use, so grateful.
For me, i know that I'm an addict and that I can not control my using, I have surrendered to that. But for me the scary part is sometimes i want to use, not to just get high and have fun, but as punishment, or suicide. and if i get to that point, the fact that I've surrendered that i can't control my using doesnt matter, because i KNOW it will make me miserable, destroy me. and a sick part of me that wants to kill me will use that as an excuse to use.
I'm afraid that I'll enter that state of mind again and think that i don't deserve to be happy or have a good life. That I have no right to live a life free from guilt and shame. And that I'll use as punishment. Beat my body up with drugs and lose all happiness and goodness in my life, because i don't deserve it. What do I do?
Anyways I obviously need to do more for my recovery and get crackin at step 2 in the guide so I'm gonna go start that right now
-- Edited by Keli at 08:58, 2007-10-07
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
well,, with me its a little different (jeez aint i always different ????) in my early education in recovery I learnt that surrender meant that i kept kept fighting the disaease of addiction till by Grcae of God I was willing to surrender to God as I understand(FORCETHATKEEPSMECLEAN). I never had to surrender to the disease as thats a "negative surrender that never gave me freedom" I surrender the disease to God and therefore I won my freedom,, basically ,,,,as I understand now,,,the disease dosent accept any surrender . the disease dosent afford any rights or previleges to its prisoners,,,thats why many of us die using !! But I thank God Almighty Im Free at last,,, just for today the one real thing i wished for in my addiction has coem true.to be able to stop using !!! I remember how many times i sat and watched "normal folks "walk by and thought "why the @#$!am i like this?",,, fear filled,useless and lonely !!! i forgot how I was and how I felt even before i began using regularly !!! The shock set in as soon as the ugly side became evident thru withdrawl and irrational thought !!! Call it unmanageable,then one nite came the overpowering fear of impending end,,as I sat and nodded on smack and listened to the radio,, the jazz was over and all i was hearing was static on ShortWave radio !! thats when i came to believe that the disease is out to kill an addict like me !!! The Voice said from one corner of the room= "you are going to die like your uncle, or at best spend the rest of your life in an asylum or jail !!!" I screamed out a real soul NOOOOOOOOOOO !!! Thank God the oldtimers lived the Gratitude and saw that the hand of NA was there when i needed it the most !! Surrender to the Principles of Recovery as in NA is my first choice of the day,,, each and every day !! Just for today I never have to use again,,,, no matter what And I pray the hand of NA be there whn another addict reaches out and be responsible in our Fellowships efforts to carry te meaasge of freedom from active addiction ! SO MAY I SURRENDER TO THE WILL OF MY HIGHER POWER !!!
-- Edited by Raman at 17:22, 2007-10-08
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
