that i didn't have to want to get clean, but i had to choose to make a change.
i don't know why, but that seemed to mkae more sense than the way i'd been thinking. i kept thinking, i want to, but i don't. and i know i have to make the choice every day to be clean.
yeah, i feel the same way, there are times when i don't want to be clean.. at least multiple times a day, and i think about how shitty it is having a few weeks then relapsing then getting a couple more weeks clean then relapsing, i don't let myself get enough clean time to feel good, so i get stuck in this pattern that is killing my soul, and i know if i go back to using every day it will be even worse, i know now for a fact that the only chance i have at a happy life, is to be clean
I have noticed when certain thing or things are going on in life I feel like using the first thing is hunger, tiredness is next, sometimes when I get angry and upset or even frustrated.
Generally i don't feel like i want to use ever again, I don't even ponder the thought anymore of wishing i could I just don't want it I used to ponder a lot and realized I was dancing with the devil.
It's not just the time thing though its the quality of your day, days, weeks and months that makes being and staying clean all worth it if your miserable day in and day out and not feeling good then something inside needs cleaning up.
yes,, in fact thats why the Basic Text says clearly= "recovery as experienced thru our 12 Steps is our goal and not mere physical abstinence " Best of luck (with the thinking)
-- Edited by Raman at 04:03, 2007-10-06
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
