I just got back from the hospital, my best friend just ODed, and the only reason she got to the hospital was because i threatend the people she was with that weren't going to drive her to the hospital, she was a mess, she was on these machines, and she was just crying hysterically, she wouldn't even hug me, i can't handle this shit anymore, i'm going to use.
i haven't used, but man it's been so rough, i was in the hospital all day/night and dealing with doctors and cops, and crying, and i feel so overwhelmed, having to get her car from the south side where i used to score, and throw out all the H and rigs and clean it up, find a place for her to sleep, and i'm finally done with all that. but i am so exhausted physically and emotionally right now, this is such a nightmare, honestly, how is this going to happen on my trip visiting, talk about wrong place at the wrong time.
She wasn't breathing when they brought her in, the only reason i found out it was going on was because i called her cell, and the girl she was with picked up and said she was only "sleeping" and wouldn't wake up when she slapped her and yelled her name, and she was NOT going to risk driving her to the hospital and was going to let her sleep it off, but i was out of my mind screaming at this bitch to drive my friend to the hospital, and she finally after 15 minutes of me yelling drove her there. and ontop of that she was fighting me over my friends H, that i threw away cuz i didn't want to be driving her car around with it.
You guys, this was seriously one of the hardest nights i've gone through, it still seems like a dream, how ridiculous. but when i was driving her to another friends house where she could sleep for the night we had a talk, mostly me talking and her listening and mumbling, but i think i got through to her, and i'm hoping this will help her recovery. i still have a lot of stuff to sort through in my head, but i'm too tired right now. good night
That was a very rough night and I'm glad you stayed clean through it.
You did your part for her and now it is time to let go and allow her to make her choices. One addict alone is not more powerful than the disease of addiction. You alone can not save another addict. If you continue to try to rescue her from her disease, it is very likely you will end up using.
Give her to your Higher Power. Be powerless.
She has her own path to follow and her own bottoms to hit.
And if you insist on trying to save her, take your sponsor with you.
No matter what happens, go to a meeting every day and get a sponsor.
I have a flight today at 2, i'll get back into boston late tonight, but i'm stressing right now because i have to figure out how to get my friend her car without my parents wondering why i have the keys to a random car parked here at the hotel, and i have to give some things to another old using friend, the one my friend was with when she ODed she left some things in the car, so im dreading having to meet up with this girl, and my friend isn't awake yet, i'm going to be honest with my feelings right now, and i feel like using
hello my friend, i am praying for you right now, maybe you can pray for me, too...i had quit using and was good for about 7 days, felt like hell, then i got a 15 ct refill of vicodin from my neurologist,, who gives them to me for my migraines and who also doesn' tknow i am an addict, but i am telling him this week.......
now, i am back at square one, i guess....i feel horrible, my kids are tired of this, my husband is tired of this, i feel like i have failed so many people in my life...
do you like steve earle? he's a county/rock/alternate country, whatever label you want to use, i've loved his stuff for years, he's a recovering addict, too, he just had his new CD come out and it's good...he has one song, "oxycotin blues" and i really relate....
so, take a nap or something right now....gee, you are young man, you have to get this stuff out of your life before you end up 50 yrs old and like me...
I'm sorry you guys, i used. When i went to drop off my friends car the other girl was there and put some H in my hand, i think it was her way of saying sorry and making things okay. well, i don't forgive her, but it feels better to be numb, even though it's only going to make things worse in the end. All i can think about it seeing my best friend in that hospital room with IVs and monitors and stuff, when i went in the first time, i was only in the room for 5 minutes, because when she saw me she just started crying hysterically, and that made me start crying, and i don't do that, i don't cry - i haven't in forever, and the nurses and doctor was just staring at us like we were scum, and had this horrible attitude and degrading sound in their voices. why do i always find myself in these horrible spots?
I know that this situation doesn't justify it, but to be honest, i'm surprised i lasted as long as i did, with all the shit that happened this weekend. i'm so tired of relapsing you guys, but i'm also so tired of how hard staying clean is on my emotions. I need to do something drastic, make some drastic changes or something, i'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
now look here Scott,, I love u buddy,,,but Im going to have to ask the "CRUEL" question anyways= "ARE YOU SURE U WANT TO STOP USING ?" If the answer is no,,, thats ok because you have a right to your choices and decisions !! But if your answer is Yes,,, then remember thats its better to hang onto abstinence come hell or high water until a crisis passes,,,,, this too shall pass and like they tough times never last but tough guys do !! Be tough and say to yourself "God please,,I dont want to use,,show me how to stay clean and serene inspite of whats happening here !!" This is where I believe we need to trust in the "Forcethatkeepsusclean" !! Anyways enogh of my advice giving but heres a great proverb= "The fruit of a labour of love lies in the harvest and that shall come in its own time " Which brings us back to the "cruel Q" "Are u sure you want to stop using ?" (many times in my life these days I ask myself whether Im sure I want to stay Serene? I believe that the Force that keeps us addicts clean has granted me life long clean time,, its a grace and an unmerited favour,,,, b ut my part of the deal is to keep working on the Serenity bit) (So may God grant you that gift too buddy,,, just and keep coming back no matter what ,,, " "just for today we never have to use again,,,, no matter what !!!")
-- Edited by Raman at 17:36, 2007-09-30
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I wasn't sure before if i wanted to quit or not, but now i am, because of what happened to my friend, and how i threw up the whole time on the plane, and still feel sick, and my parents asking about my eyes, they probably know, but i can't even begin to try to deal with that the way i am feeling right now, i just created a whole bunch of new problems for myself, i'm ready to quit
Ye,,,and then it goes onto say that we can if we recognize two of our apparently inherent enemies= APATHY & PROCRASTINATION !!! And then we come across the lines "we became sick and tired of being sick and tired !!!" And know something Scott ? I reckon you are at the same point as I was when I began clean time,,, warm hugs and welcome back,,, and keep coming back and keep going to live meetings too !!! Id also like to share with you a slogan of mine that really works= Write.Write,Write !! I remember one of the earliest instruction i got for writing was three questions= 1.Who am I? 2.What am I doing ? 3.Where do I belong ? I think the trick is to latch onto someone who inspires ,commands respect,, in short someone in recovery whos got what I want and get em to guide us and then make the effort to get what they have !!! Thats the heart beat of NA= one addict helping another ,,,like no one else can !!! and of course,,, theres Magic in those rooms !!! "90 meetings in 90 days,,, continously" was another instruction I got and followed to the T !!! Then asking the FORCETHATKEEPSUSCLEAN to shower Blessings of recovery and sanity,,, just for today !! Hope that works for you too buddy,,, hugs and take care !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I think the trick is to latch onto someone who inspires ,commands respect,, in short someone in recovery whos got what I want and get em to guide us and then make the effort to get what they have !!!
THAT was when I really started to believe i could stay clean, a friend of mine had gotten clean and stayed clean for several years and I asked him HOW HE WAS DOING IT, he pretty much said he had just gotten sick and tired of going in and out, got tired of the consequences of his using and he prayed a lot to have the Obsession removed and it happened, just at the right time all his ducks were in a row and thats exactly how it happened for me, I WANTED what he had freedom from the obsession.
Though I stumbled and feel after a few years clean that too was a place of complacency and procrastination I hadn't been willing to accept.
Its a journey, its a process AA syas for some of us its and educational thing a learning of ourselves and our addiction, once you learn more you have more understanding and willingness to face ones self and who you/we are.
Who am I? I am an addict
What am I doing? I am trying to get clean and stay clean
Where do I Belong? I belong in a place in my life where I am clean and serene ( at least serene most of the time).
HOw Do I see myself? I see myself clean without the desire or even need to use drugs ever again and share what i have found with others, freedom from addiction.
You hang in there Scott just keep coming back, get some help brother you are a young man and you are up against a giant you need help with this just like the rest of us you keep trying to do this alone, out there in the real world it takes hands on help so get the help put out that effort show yourself you want this prove it to no one but yourself.
