My boyfriend relapsed a couple days ago and told me about it yesterday. He said he was afraid to tell me because he thought I would want to go use now too. Actually the first thing that popped into my head when he told me was "I shouldn't be with him anymore." although i didn't say that. He tried to convince me that it wasn't a big deal and this didn't mean that he was going to start partying all the time now, and I believed him and let it go, trying not to worry.
Then this morning I woke up and it just hit me over the head. i feel like I may be in danger, that my recovery, my very life may be in danger. I don't want to sound over-dramatic but if i relapse it could kill me so, yes, it is dramatic. I don't want to be back in the pit i was in 2 months ago. Things are just starting to look up for me, I am finally able to lift my head again and not be so ashamed of myself all the time. I am finally starting to get the confidence that yes, maybe just yes, i can do this thing called life. Things are really changing for the better in my life and I don't want to lose that.
I told him to not drink or use around me and never let me see it, and he said ok and that he wasn't going to do it again anyways, but I'm still nervous about if I'm doing the right thing. what is the right thing? I love him and we have been together for several years, and it feels absurd to think that I could abandon him because he told me the truth about a mistake he made and said he wouldn't do it again. He is my best friend and we have been through so much together. But then again we used together so often and we put each other through such hell when we were using that i never want to be in that place again.
I don't know, I guess i am just wondering if i'm taking this too seriously or if i'm not taking it seriously enough. I don't know what to do or if I should do anything at all except just become more committed to my recovery. Anyone else been in a similar situation?
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
You can never take it to seriously. Recovery is serious. Your life is Serious. Try setting some boundaries, be upfront and honest with him about how you feel and how serious things are and let him know that if you guys need to take a break until you get alittle stronger then do that. Or if he relapse again you might have to leave for a bit. If he is in recovery he would understand. The most important thing is that you feel safe and secure. This is a question you are going to have to answer your self with as much guidance as you can get. Bring this up in meetings and with members of your we. Just remember, if you start getting any thoughts or start to feel jealous that he did it and you can't bring that shit up. Talk about it. Things may get rough and they may get emotional but when we use it is because that is what we choose to do. Every other reason is just justification and excuses.
There is only two rules of this program. 1.Dont use no matter what!!!! 2. Never break rule number 1 !!!!!!!!
If it were me, I would talk to my sponsor and support group. I would give myself a lot of quiet time for meditation and processing and writing (or whatever works for you). I would take very good care of myself: make a lot of meetings, spend time with positive people, read some literature, eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, have a nice bubble bath.
In most cases, as I do these things, my path reveals itself to me and the way becomes clear. If my path does not become clear, I just keep taking really good care of myself and my recovery until it does. And every once in a while, I take a risk and make a decision without really knowing my path.
See what I mean? I don't know the answer. Take good care, though, and more will surely be revealed.
The most dreadful thing about the disease of addiction is it breaks hearts !!! thats why I love my recovery and being clean and all !!! May noble thoughts come to you from all directions dear keli,,, you are precious and loved by us here,,I have always loved your clean talk !!! take care for you matter to me ,,, much more than you may know !!!
"""""Hold onto abstinence,,, come hell or high water and do all you need to do to do that !!!"""" may The Force That Keeps Us Clean(and serene)Bless you more and more in this hour of crises !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks for the advice guys. The thing that scared me the most is all the things he told me to convince me that it wasn't a big deal, were exactly the types of things i used to say when i was using to convince other people that i didn't have a problem: "It was just this one time""Why are you making such a big deal about it" "ok ok I wont do it again, now drop it" etc etc.
He's not in recovery, he was staying clean on sheer willpower though i had suspected he had relapsed for about a week before he told me. the behaviours and excuses are all too familiar to me because its the same stuff i used to do. I guess all I can really do is hold on to my recovery come hell or high water, and make a meeting tonight. I don't know what else to do. I am scared. And thank you for your kind words Raman, i needed that!
-- Edited by Keli at 08:52, 2007-09-29
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I called my sponsor twice yesterday and she told me to bring this up at the meeting last night and i did, and wow, what a great meeting. I heard some good stuff:
1. set boundaries (do not use around me, do not let me see it, do not be high around me) 2. immerse myself in recovery because this is a dangerous time. meetings, literature, sponsor, everyday 3. pray about it and surrender the rest to God. A part of me wants to follow him around and make sure he doesn't relapse again. check up on him all the time. i want to 'save' him. But we can only carry the message, we can't carry the addict.
Anyways thats my game plan.
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
