So last night, i started to think about my ex-girlfriend, and i was so overwhelmed with shame and regret i couldn't sleep, oh man.. she is the most amazing girl, but i was horrible to her, i always asked her for money, and took all her pain meds when she had surgery once, and lied to her, i lied to her so much, and didn't give her the attention i should have, i was giving all my attention to another girl who i used with, and she put up with it, she could never say no to me, i couldn't even be intimate with her towards the end of our relationship because i was so deep in my addiction, that i was either too strung out to want to, or i was trying to get high, and when you're trying to get high, anything else is out of the question, and i should have at least been able to do that for her, i mean for all the shit i put her through, but i was worthless to her.
She is one of those people that cut themsleves as a way of getting high or a rush or dealing with pain or something, i don't know too much about it, but she used to do it before we went out, and started again when i started to become a burden, but looking back at the time i just thought she was being rediculous and i'd yell at her for doing it, and not ask her why she was doing it, and it would just be a very emotional situation, but now i know i was the cause of that. Looking back i realize that our relationship was incredibly unhealthy. but at the begining when i was fresh out of treatment and clean we had some of the best times, and i really cared about her.
The last week before i left for Denver it was just really ugly, and she finally had enough and gave one of those "it's me or the drugs" ultimatums, .. and i told her i chose both, which really means the drugs, and we got in a fight, and didn't see each other or talk, and then i left for Denver
I talked to her once since then, i sent her a message on the internet apologizing, and asking for her forgiveness, and she hasn't responded to it, and it's been like 2 weeks, so i don't think she can forgive me, and i don't know how much of a healthy recovery i can have mentally, without her forgiveness. How do you deal with all the shame caused from your using, that you can see clearer than ever now that you're clean?
it took quite awhile for me to really get how sick the disease made me and how deeply spiritually sick i was. the steps are meant to heal this, and are in order for very good reasons! the amends should never be made with out the help of a sponsor or someone you trust with good recovery and been through that part already, we help each other, no one can recover alone. forgiveing your self will come and talking to others about this stuff maybe as a topic at a meeting? when the student is ready the teacher appears. hang in there my friend.
I guess i will just "live for today" and deal with the past later, but i still think about these things a lot, but something just came up 5 minutes ago that is making me feel like im going to explode, a friend called, probably my best and longest friend, and we used to use together 2 summers ago, and those were my golden days, when we both had endless money and no obligations and it was fun, but that summer ended in her getting arrested for some very serious stuff and me going to treatment for the second time, but she has been clean for over a year and we talk almost every day and i really love her, she lives in Chicago, and i told her i was coming home (i still call it home cuz it's my favorite place) this weekend and that i wanted to see her, and after that she told me that she has been using like once a week for the last month and a half, and i was speechless cuz she was my shoulder to lean on, and she had it all together, and she knew using had crossed my mind for this trip, and she said let's get strung this weekend.. in so many words.. and this is like my dream you guys, being able to go back and relive those days with her when everything was great, but i told her my reservations abut it, and how it's a BAD idea, but i dunno, this trip is just really bad timing, i think i need to be more honest with my parents.
Say a prayer for her and get a sponsor to help you with the steps. The amends steps are 8 and 9, but there is some work to do beforehand.
I often say that in the beginning of my recovery, I felt worse before I felt better. All the remorse and self-loathing for things I had done and people I had hurt ... It kept coming and I didn't know what to do with it since I wasn't medicating any more. It totally and completely sucked.
However, I now believe that it was part of the healing process. I mean, the good news was that I was finally feeling something! The hard part was that it was a lot of pain to feel and I didn't know what to do with it.
Finally, the lessons learned:
- My feelings won't kill me. In fact, they tell me a lot about myself and I can learn a lot if I pay attention. (I can see from your feelings that you are really a kind and caring person.)
- Everything happens in HP's time, not mine. Amends happen in step 9. I don't make an amend just to relieve myself of uncomfortable feelings. I will make the amend when I get to step 9.
- Feelings are not the foundation of any decisions. It doesn't matter what I think or how I feel, I stick to my routine: go to my meeting, call my sponsor, do my step work, keep my commitments, etc.
- It is healthier for me to talk about how I feel than to act out on my feelings. Acting out causes me a lot of grief!
Most importantly, Scott my friend, don't use and go to a meeting.
That's right: Don't use and go to a meeting.
Yes, I think you've got it: Don't use and go to a meeting.
There is a meeting in Jamaica Plain (i dunno if the subway goes out that far, i haven't been there), but i have a job interview for a night shift job, i dunno, we will see
Follow that voice that leads you Scott and when it says BAD IDEA about something listen to it, nothing changes if nothing changes and you are responsible to change a few things around in your life , YOU.
